The Marauders and Umbridge
by ThatOneAnimagus
Summary: Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter are back for their 2nd year at Hogwarts. While a new school year brings the usual homework and drama, it also brings a new DADA teacher: Dolores Umbridge. Now complete!
1. The Train

The sliding door of the compartment slammed against the wall as Sirius thrust it open. He threw himself on the mud colored cushion and exclaimed, "Mate, did you hear about the World Cup? I can't believe the Wasps won! We had it in the bag!"

"I know! Sherman only made it because Kennedy's Fanclub was taking pictures and he had to pose for them," James sympathised, messing up his jet black hair.

"And Gunderson's hit? Man, that was the best! It nailed the chaser right in the stomach." Sirius said excitedly. The two friends continued to talk Quidditch until there was a knock on their compartment door.

"Hope it's the food trolley," James said, grinning.

Sirius grinned back at him before yelling, "If you aren't the food trolley, go away!"

"That's real nice," Remus told them, sliding open the compartment door. Peter stood behind him and waved.

"Fine. If you aren't the food trolley or Remus Lupin or Peter Pettigrew then go away," Sirius amended, moving over so that everyone could fit in.

Remus sighed. "Really, Sirius, you need to be nice to people."

"No one's nice to me," Sirius mumbled. He stared out the window moodily, black hair covering his face.

James crossed his arms and pointed out, "Except for me. And Remus. And Peter. And Dumbledore. And-"

"Sheesh, guys. I get it," Sirius said, throwing his hands up.

"I was going to add McGonagall. We all know she fancies you," James told him.

"McGonagall does not fancy Sirius," Remus said exasperatedly while the others shook with laughter.

"If she does, then why doesn't Minnie say anything? I heard that the Triwizard Tournament is on this year, maybe she'll say yes if I ask her out…." Sirius pretended to ponder this for a few minutes as the conversation veered from Professor McGonagall to talk of the summer.

"I went to Hogsmeade- You should have seen the candy shop! Honeydukes has literally everything. I brought back some sugar quills we can use in lessons and suck on them. It's supposed to look like you're thinking what to write next," Peter told them excitedly, pulling out delicately woven Quill-sized sugars with an unimaginable amount of detail.

"Mum, dad, and I spent a day in London. We got to see Big Ben. It's big, but not as big as Hogwarts," James explained, shrugging.

"We stayed home," Remus said, recounting his summer in just a few words.

"I walked around. And stuff." Everyone looked at Sirius. "What? I was out of magazines!" he said defensively.

"Well, you won't be bored now that school's starting. Professor Slughorn did say that this year we'll be working on antidotes, which I've heard is tricky," James told him glumly.

As the Hogwarts Express thundered through the sunny hills of England, the food trolley finally came. The call of "Anything from the trolley, dears" floated through the door.

"Finally!" James thrust the door open and handed a few golden coins to the witch manning it. A heap of wizard's candy was placed on an empty seat. Within a few minutes, colored rappers of every shade of the rainbow were scattered around the car. Bertie Botts Every-Flavored Beans were laid on Peter's suitcase between the four boys.

"Who wants to start?" Remus asked, eyes twinkling with glee.

"Sure. Peter, I dare you to," James paused, "eat the purple one right there on the edge. No-no it's the one- yeah that one." Peter picked up a cranberry-purple colored bean and bit into it.

"Mmm," he put the rest of it in his mouth, "grape." When he was done chewing, Peter dared Sirius to try a pink one on the very edge of the suitcase. It was spat out almost right away.

"I think that's salmon. Gross," Sirius told the group, putting the rest of his in the trash. "Remus, you try one. Take the blue one in the middle." The blue one turned out to be a blue moon ice cream flavor. Within an hour, all of the bean were eaten or thrown out.

"I didn't know they had peanut," Remus commented a while later when they were enjoying some chocolate frogs.

"I didn't think they would do cabbage- Hey, look, I got Merlin. I don't have him yet," Peter pointed to his chocolate frog card.

"Nice- I have Dumbledore. He's on a ton of them," said James, munching on the frog. As the candy was disappearing, the Hogwarts Express screeched to a halt.

"Let's go. I can't wait for the feast," Sirius said excitedly. "The shepherd's pie is the best."


	2. Hogwarts

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter stumbled out of their train car, following the crowd to the carriages. "I thought we were taking the boats again," Sirius stared at the horseless carriages in surprise. "They don't expect us to get anywhere without horses, do they?" he asked as an afterthought.

"They're probably magic. And anyway, the boats are for the 1st years only," Remus explained, climbing into the musty wooden carriage. Reluctantly, the rest of the group followed.

To the surprise of everyone but Remus, the carriages shuddered and rolled forward along the worn dirt path up the side of the mountain on which Hogwarts School rested. The talk as the carriage trudged up the mountain turned to Defense Against The Dark Arts. "Think we'll have a new teacher? I heard a rumor at the end of the year that the job is cursed," James asked casually.

"Maybe. I liked Professor Müller, though. He never gave homework," Peter said, shrugging.

"Wait! What if Dumbledore teaches it?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"Dumbledore is the headmaster. I don't think he's allowed to do that," James reasoned.

"That would be cool," Remus nodded, ignoring James, "He could teach us a bunch of defensive spells. I think that would come in handy."

"You want him to be the teacher so you can learn defensive spells? Are you serious?" James asked Remus.

"No, I'm Sirius. That's Remus," Sirius said, gesturing to himself and then pointing to Remus.

"Are you ok, James? You shouldn't be mixing Sirius and me up," Remus grinned, playing along.

"You know what I mean." At this point, James was trying to contain a smile. Shortly after Remus, Sirius, and Peter were sure that James knew who was who, the carriage clanked to a stop, the door opening of its own accord. The group clambered out of the cart, following the crowd yet again, only this time they were in front of a castle. The castle had spires high as skyscrapers, statues frozen in stone, and lights that gleaned from each window like a jackolantern.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts," Peter said, smiling broadly at the looming towers. "Welcome back."


	3. The Newest Staff Member

The Great Hall was lit with thousands of candles, flickering in the slight breeze that traveled through the halls. Four long tables were already filled with students in their black school robes, on which their house crests were sewn. As Remus, Peter, James, and Sirius strode into the hall, the hum of conversation rose. Sitting down at the Gryffindor table, the boys cranked their necks at the staff table that overlooked the Great Hall. Their eyes drifted past each teacher, looking for one that they did not recognize. "There," James pointed to the end of the staff table.

"Her?" Remus asked, seeing who James had been pointing to.

"She looks like a…. You know what, I don't know what she looks like. Mate, are you sure that's Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Sirius questioned James.

"You see Müller?" James asked him. Peter shook his head. "Exactly."

When all the students were assembled, Professor Flitwick (the very short charms teacher) carried a three legged wooden stool up by the staff table. Upon the stool sat an ancient wizard's hat. The hall quieted at once. "It's the Sorting," Peter whispered excitedly. A long line of first year students were being led out into the hall by the transfiguration teacher, Professor McGonagall. As she passed the Gryffindor table, she gave a look to Sirius. Sirius winked at her. When the first years were done gaping at the hall, the Sorting Hat opened its mouth and began to sing. When it's song was done, polite applause filled the hall, and the Sorting began.

"Adams, Susan," called Professor McGonagall. A sickly girl with pale orange hair stepped up to the stool. The hat was placed upon her head. After a few moments, the hat had made its decision.

"RAVENCLAW!" it called. The hall erupted with applause. As 'Adams, Susan' stumbled over to the Ravenclaw table, (on the far right of the hall) McGonagall called another name.

"Bentley, Marcus." The burlyist boy in the group of First Years stepped forward and had the hat placed on his head.

"SLYTHERIN!" The hat decided and the boy took a seat at the table between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. After 'Bentley, Marcus' was seated, a number of other students went, the hat calling out "HUFFLEPUFF," "RAVENCLAW," "GRYFFINDOR," and "SLYTHERIN" various times. When all of the students were sorted, seated, and the hat had been taken out of the hall, Dumbledore stood to speak.

"Welcome to Hogwarts. Welcome back, to some of you. Before we start on our delicious feast," Dumbledore started, smiling, "I have a few announcements. First and foremost, the Forbidden Forest is out of bounds. Please do not attempt to enter it, it may result in expulsion. Secondly, our caretaker, Mr. Filch has asked me to remind you that dungbombs are not to be dropped in corridors. Thirdly, I would like to dispel rumors that the Triwizard Tournament will be occurring this year."

"Darn it! I was going to ask Minnie to the Yule Ball," Sirius sadly exclaimed, quite loudly. Professor McGonagall gave him another look. Dumbledore looked at him, eyes twinkling.

"Mr. Black, I'm sure there will be another occasion in which you can display your affection to Professor McGonagall," Dumbledore reassured him. The Great Hall was filled with laughter for a moment, before they were quieted. "One last announcement. I would like to welcome Professor Dolores Umbridge to the Hogwarts staff. She will be filling the post of Defense Against the-"

"Hem, hem." A small squeak came from the edge of the staff table. Dumbledore attempted to continue.

"Dark-" but he was again "Hem, hem"ed. Glancing down the table, he stepped to the side and allowed the new teacher to come forward.

"Her? That's our new teacher," Peter asked, quite surprised. Their teacher was, indeed, the woman who stood in the headmaster's place. This school year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a toad like woman, clad in pink.


	4. Umbridge's Speech

"Professor Dumbledore, thank you for such kind words of welcome," Umbridge crooned sweetly, "I am looking forward to teaching here in this school, where I myself learned the basic foundations of magic. As a teacher in this school, I will have the same expectations, the same rules, but I also am here to help you if you may need it. If you need, a friend, you are more than welcome to stop by me office." She continued her speech, but the boys were not listening.

"What does she think she's doing? Interrupting Dumbledore!" Sirius whispered furiously.

"I know. Do we really have to listen to her? She'll take over the bloody school!" James responded.

"And the whole 'I will be your friend' thing sounds really fake," Sirius continued. "I mean, hello? You do not run this school!"

"I get it, but shouldn't we be listening?" Remus asked them, ever the goodie goodie.

"No one else is," Peter pointed out. Very few students were actually listening at this point. Many groups were whispering to each other and the hall was filled with the sound of many people talking at the same time, very quietly. Professor Umbridge, however, was unfazed. She continued to talk above the din.

"Here at Hogwarts, it has always been a goal to educate the next generation of witches and wizards. I am honored to continue this tradition." Professor Dumbledore started to clap, rather politely, while the rest of the hall regained their senses. Quite crisply, the rest of the hall followed suit, stopping shortly after they had begun.

"And now," Dumbledore stated, "The feast."

The plates on the tables magically filled with all sorts of food, from the shepherd's pie to treacle tart. "Finally," Peter said, heaping chicken legs onto his plate, "I'm starving."

"You're always starving," James grinned, taking a heap of mashed potatoes. Peter shrugged, now helping himself to some corn.

"Know what I'm excited to see?" Sirius asked.

"Hm," James responded, mouth full of food.

Sirius continued, "I want to see what her classes are like. I wonder if she'll make us have tea parties at the 5:00 lessons." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Sirius she's a new teacher, just give her a chance…." he told Sirius.

"A new teacher that looks like a poisonous dart frog."

"Poisonous dart frogs are not pink. They're usually blue."

"Nerd."

"Thank you."

An hour later, the last bits of pudding and crumbs of biscuits had been wiped from the plates and the hall started to disperse. "First Year Hufflepuffs, over here," a Hufflepuff Fifth Year called as she exited the hall.

"All Slytherins- Move it! We're leaving!" a Slytherin Prefect shouted.

"Gryffindors over here!" Gryfindor's Prefect, Miles Lewis yelled, leading the members of Gryffindor House out into the hallways of Hogwarts. The group scrambled up the moving staircases, following the crowd through the familiar halls. When the crowd of Gryffindors had climbed stairs for a few minutes, they were faced with a portrait of a beautiful, yet fat, lady.

"What's the password?" a boy in the back of the crowd asked.

"Pixie Dust," Miles replied, and the portrait swung inward, revealing the Gryffindor Common Room. When everyone had clambered in, Miles declared that the Girls' dorm was to the left, Boy's to the right, and then sat by the fire and started reading.

"Wonder why he isn't in Ravenclaw. He's always reading," James mumbled as they climbed up the stairs to their dormitory.

"Wonder why you aren't in Hufflepuff," Sirius replied.

"What's wrong with Hufflepuff?" Remus asked him.

"Nothing," Sirius said quickly. Remus looked at him as though he didn't believe him. "Nothing!"

"Hey! They left up our wall," Peter observed, pointing to the wall in their dorm on which they had pinned up pictures, reminders, and quidditch posters.

"Wow. I thought McGonagall would take it down for sure," Sirius said, reading the reminders.

"Of course she didn't take it down," James explained, "She likes you too much."

"Shut up!" Sirius told him, but was laughing along with the others.


	5. Day 1

When the boys were all assembled at the Great Hall the next morning, Professor McGonagall handed out their schedules. Over a glass of pumpkin juice and a bowl of cereal, the group examined their schedules. "Looks like it's Charms, Transfiguration, D.A.D.A, lunch, Potions, and History of Magic," Peter read off.

"Charms starts in twenty minutes. That's too early," Sirius whined.

"It's not bad. I heard in America the muggle kids have to start at seven," Remus pointed out.

"That's just a rumor," Sirius responded.

"Well, they start earlier than us." Sirius had nothing to say to that.

"Today we will be starting on cheering charms," Professor Flitwick informed his class.

"We need them now that school's started," James whispered sadly. After an hour of Charms, they moved onto Transfiguration.

"I don't expect you to manage anything we will be doing this year first try," Professor McGonagall stated to the class, "but I do expect you to follow the rules. Silly wand waving or foolish incantations will not be tolerated in this class. Nor will the idiocy of action or behavior." Professor McGonagall looked around at the students sharply. Sirius raised his hand. "Mr. Black?"

"Would there be another kind of idiocy that will be tolerated?" Sirius asked.

"No, Mr. Black. If it wasn't the first day of classes, that would result in a detention. However, I will let it slip for just this once. Understood?" Sirius nodded and there was no more mention of the idiocy restrictions.

An hour later, the Second Year Gryffindors were trooping into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. The toadlike Professor Umbridge sat in front of the rows of desks, smiling sweetly as her class marched in, chatting about their previous lessons. When everyone had taken a seat, Professor Umbridge gave a little "hem, hem" and the room fell silent.

"She need a cough drop?" James whispered to Sirius, pretending to sound concerned.

"Well, mate, good thing I brought some," Sirius replied quietly. The teacher looked at them, silencing them with a look.

"Hem, hem," she repeated, glaring at the two boys. "I am Professor Dolores Umbridge," she told the class, writing her name on the board. "I will be your teacher this year, and possibly, next." The class stared at her, silent with anticipation. "Well? Take out your books, page 1. Please read the first chapter. No talking will be necessary." The class fumbled for their books, digging around in their bags. When the books were out, most of the class started their assignment, except for Lily Evans, a girl with long, red hair. Lily raised her hand, watching the Professor. "Yes?" Professor Umbridge asked her quietly.

"I was wondering what the course would be. I mean, what are we going to be talking about," she asked.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts, of course," Umbridge told her, laughing slightly. Lily did not appear to be satisfied with this answer. Nor did James.

"That doesn't tell us anything," James pointed out.

"Please raise your hand when you speak in this class," Umbridge sweetly scolded.

"You aren't raising your hand, Professor," Sirius pointed out, raising his hand.

"Names?"

"Sirius Black."

"Ah. And you?" Umbridge asked turning to James.

"James Potter."

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, please do not disrupt this class again."

"Ok." The boys went back to pretend reading. Umbridge made to walk away, but was stopped by Lily Evans.

"You didn't answer my question, Professor. I mean the area of subject. Like defensive spells and such." she said, quite clearly. Umbridge pursed her lips, then nodded.

"Defensive spells, dark creatures, and types of dark magic."

"Alright," Lily said and went back to her work. The class was silent, and when the bell rang, everyone was quite to stuff their books in their bags and sprint out of the room to lunch.

"Summary of the first chapter, to be handed in Wednesday!" Umbridge called after them.

"She's mental," Sirius complained, brushing his hair out of his face. "The whole chapter? What are we, slaves? What doesn't she read it herself?"

"She's checking for understanding, Sirius, honestly," Remus told him. Lunch was uneventful, as was potions and History of Magic, in which Peter and James both fell asleep in twice, only to be prodded awake by Remus. When History of Magic ended, the boys rushed upstairs to complete the essays assigned to them.

"I hate homework," James said bluntly.


	6. The Definition of Lying

The next day was the same story. Almost the same story. "Chapter 2. There will be no need to talk," Professor Umbridge told the class.

"Do we need to think?" James asked while raising his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Potter. I believe I asked you not to disrupt this class again," Umbridge prowled towards him. "De-"

"You aren't raising your hand, Professor!" Sirius reminded her, while thrusting his own up.

"I suppose Mr. Black will be joining in your detention. Tomorrow night, my office. We will talk then." With that, Professor Umbridge walked away coolly. At the end of the lesson, she reminded them that their essay was due the next day, along with giving them homework. "Two rolls of parchment on Expelliarmus! To be handed in on Friday."

Again, Sirius complained, "Why won't she just read it herself? It's not that hard to read a chapter…."

"She has other classes to teach," Remus pointed out.

"Bloody homework."

"It could be worse," Remus pointed out.

"He has a point," Peter nodded.

"Please shut up," Sirius moaned grumpily.

"I'm good," said a very casual Remus.

"James, can you make them shut up?"

"No. I've tried before," James replied quickly.

"When?"

"Well… There was the time when I tried to vanish Remus's spell books. I tried to transfigure Peter into a potted plant. Then there was the time when-" James went silent. "It's her," he whispered. Eyes wide, James grinned at his friends. "What do you think?"

"No. Definitely not," Peter said quickly, backing up a little. "She scares me."

"Bloody chicken. All right, what are we doing?" Sirius asked eagerly.

"Nothing. I'm going to lunch." With that, Remus hurried off to the Great Hall.

"Me too," Peter followed.

"Anyway," Sirius turned his attention back to James, "You carrying any dungbombs or something?"

"Nope. Guessing you have nothing?" Umbridge was walking steadily closer. Her eyes locked on the boys and she quickened her brisk pace.

"No. What about a jinx?"

"It's not like we can Lumos her, honestly Sirius."

"What about-" Umbridge was now before them, glaring down at them.

"And what are you boys doing standing in the middle of the hall?" she asked the pair.

"Nothing."

"Are you sure, Mr. Black, Mr. Potter?"

"We should know what we're doing, Professor," James pointed out to her.

"The thing is, I believe that you are lying," Umbridge said, a faint smile on her lips.

"I'm not lying at all," Sirius told her.

"No?"

"How do you define lying?"

"When someone, such as yourselves, is not telling the truth," Professor Umbridge replied, emphasis on 'telling the truth.'

Sirius looked somewhat confused and stated, "Oh. I define it as laying in a horizontal position." James nodded, trying his best to hide a laugh. He coughed instead.

"Get out of my sight," Umbridge commanded them angrily.

"Absolutely."

When the boys got to lunch, Peter and Remus were almost finished, and lunch was almost over. "What did you do?" Peter asked eagerly.

"Sass. Mate, the sass was real," James said proudly. He now allowed himself to laugh.

"Please don't tell me you did something stupid," Remus said exasperatedly.

"She asked what we were doing. We told her nothing. Of course, for some strange reason, she wouldn't believe us. I told her we couldn't be lying as we weren't laying down," Sirius summarized quickly, grinning.

"It's not laying, it's lying."

"Who cares about grammar?"

"Teachers. The ones that give essays. Speaking of essays, the History of Magic one has to be turned in in 20 minutes. We have to get to class."


	7. The Quill

At promptly 5:00 the next afternoon, James Potter and Sirius Black made their way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts office. When they arrived, Umbridge sat in her desk, toad like face smirking at them as she sipped tea from a pink, floral patterned cup. The room was also a bright pink, filled with pictures of flowers and kittens. "Now, boys, it's nothing too hard tonight. We'll just be writing lines," she told them when they entered empty handed.

"I don't have a Quill- maybe I should go get one-" James inched towards the door, but Umbridge replied-

"That's alright, Mr. Potter. You can use one of mine." Umbridge opened her top desk drawer and pulled out two pieces of parchment and two sleek, black quills. Passing one of each to Sirius and James, she said, "I want you to write 'I will not disrupt class,' alright? And please, take a seat."

"How many times do we have to do this?" Sirius asked.

"Long enough for the message to sink in," she replied.

"And where's the ink?"

"You won't need ink."

The boys defiantly refused to sit, but did not refuse the lines. After a minute of writing "I must not disrupt class," in a red substance, James developed a painful itch on his hand. He did not stop to scratch it, however, and continued to write his lines. Only after an hour of lines did he notice the blood blossoming on his hand.

"Is something wrong?" Umbridge asked when he stopped writing.

"No, except for my bleeding hand," James told her quickly. He was silent for a moment before he looked at his hand, and then the paper, and his hand again. Then it dawned on him. "These are blood quills, aren't they?" he asked, looking at Umbridge angrily.

"Are you suggesting that I, Professor Dolores Umbridge, am breaking school rules?" Unbridgeable gave a falsely high laugh. "Honestly, why would you say such a thing?"

"Because my hand is bleeding and it wasn't before I started using this bloody Quill!" James said, his frustration threatening to boil over. Sirius was silent beside him, still writing his lines as the Quill cut into his hand.

"Well, look at the time. It's 6:15, and I have better things to do than oversee this detention," Umbridge said haughtily. "You are free to go. But leave the quills." Sirius threw down his Quill, shredded his parchment and spat at Umbridge.

"You and my mum both. I'm sure you'd be fast friends," he told her aggressively. James put the Quill down and made to follow, but-

"Mr. Potter, what happens in this room stays in this room. If you tell a single person, you will have to watch your back, you and Mr. Black both. Have a nice night." Umbridge said quietly and took a sip of her tea as James ran out of her office.


	8. A Broken Truth

Sirius was in his bed, curtains of the fourposter drawn, when James came in. "Sirius, are you ok-" James tried to ask.

"It's nothing," Sirius told him quietly, hidden behind the curtains.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure! I should probably be sure of my own early life."

"Your… early life?" James asked mystified.

"Like I said, it's nothing," Sirius repeated.

"Mate, you seemed pretty angry back in the office," James reasoned cautiously.

Sirius exclaimed, "I have every right to be don't I? Bloody toad using my mum's methods."

"What?" James's eyes went wide with shock. While Sirius had never said much about his home life, people had known relationships with his family was rocky. However, nobody quite knew why.

"Ignore it. It's nothing, ok?" Sirius told James quietly. Disbelieving, James slowly stepped forwards and pulled open the curtains. Sirius's normally carefree face was now a mess of tears. They ran down his face slowly, each lingering like another sorrow.

"Are you sure it's nothing?" James whispered, shocked to see his friend looking so broken. Sirius looked away and spoke.

"My mum, dear old mum, hates me. She says that I'm a disappointment, wasting my true legacy as a Black by associating with non-pure bloods," Sirius whispered even more quietly. "She says even though Reagulus is younger, not even into Hogwarts, but is smarter than me. She's rewriting her will so that Reagulus gets everything- the money, the house. I don't care about that. But she always reminds me I'm a disappointment. When I would talk about someone who wasn't a pureblood in a complimentary way…. She would beat me. Last year, she bought one of those blood quills. I had to use it for my homework over the summer." James stared at him in shock. "It's like I don't have a family."

They were silent for a moment before James said, "If you don't have that family, Remus, Peter, and I will be there."

Sirius turned back to him. "Thanks, mate."


	9. A Test And A Notice Board

It was late September when Remus left. "My mum's ill. Professor Dumbledore's letting me go see her," Remus explained before he left.

"Hope she gets better soon," Peter called after him as Remus climbed out of the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Lucky," James muttered as they entered Transfiguration, "He gets to miss the test."

"Probably has to make it up," Sirius reasoned, back to normal.

"Today, we will be having our test on Human Transfiguration," Professor McGonagall informed the class.

"Knew it," James whispered.

"The test consists of two parts. The first is a written essay and questions. The second is a visual. There will be a series of pictures of different types of Human Transfiguration with a process or incantation and you will write in which it is on the back of your paper. You have a half an hour to complete the first part of your test. Start when you get your paper." A stack of papers flew from a shelf in the back of the classroom as McGonagall flicked her wand, each landing face down on a desk. Within seconds, the scratch of quills filled the room. Each student did their best to make it look neat, as sloppiness would downgrade them.

When the first part of the test was over, Professor McGonagall gathered the classes attention and asked for them to flip over their papers. When she had seen to that each one had been flipped over and numbered up to three, she walked back up to the front of the classroom. She summoned a large picture, which she pinned up to the chalkboard. It showed a witch with pastel orange hair and blue eyes. Within seconds, the witch had black hair with brown eyes. The description below said "born with ability to change appearance at will." The sound of scratching quills again filled the room. With each picture that camp up, the sound of quills became more relaxed, until the three blanks were filled in and the test was over. Once the papers were collected, the bell rang and the group made their way to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which was the same as every lesson. Read a chapter, summarize it, and turn in the summary.

When the day's lessons were finished, James, Sirius, and Peter made their way to the Gryffindor Common Room to start on their homework. When they got there, however, there was a crowd in front of the notice board. "What's the big news?" Peter asked curiously.

"Tryouts for the Gryffindor Quidditch team is on Saturday. They're in need of a chaser and a keeper," Frank Longbottom informed him, as he peered over the crowd.

"On Saturday?" James asked excitedly. "I don't have a broom, but the school's got those, maybe I can try out."

"You know, to be on the team, I bet you have to get good grades and everything. No missing work," Sirius pointed out.

"Maybe we should start our homework," Peter said, settling down in a chair by the fire.

"Maybe we should finish it before James gets caught up in his fantasies of winning the World Cup in a few years," Sirius suggested.

"Or actually winning it!" James protested, "Although, I don't think it will take years to do an essay on counter jinxes."

"We wouldn't have to do it in the first place if she would just read the chapter, for Pete's sake! Bloody lazy," Sirius moaned as he pulled out a blank piece of parchment and labeled it Counter Jinxes. He stared at the heading for a while before he asked, "Did any of you read the article? I used a spell to switch the covers of the textbook and this muggle book called The Book Thief."

James looked at him, grinned, and exclaimed, "That's genius! I should do that so I can read fun stuff rather than that trash she calls education."


	10. Quidditch Tryouts

Nothing eventful happened until Saturday, the day of Quidditch tryouts. By then, Remus was back, and brought the news that he mother was starting to recover. James had managed to borrow one of the school's brooms, which he thought was absolutely terrible. "It crawls like a snail," he said over and over before the tryouts, but it was the only thing that could get him on the team.

The morning of tryouts dawned crisp and bright, leaves shining like gold on the trees. By 10:00, the Quidditch Pitch was packed with people, both watching and trying out. "Think I can make it?" James asked nervously as he faced the pitch.

"You'll do well, don't worry," Remus told him, sharing a slab of chocolate around.

"It this to boost my confidence?" asked James.

"Technically, chocolate is one of the few foods scientifically proven to make you happy," Peter responded.

"How do you know that?" Sirius questioned him and turned to James. "How does he know that and I don't?"

"Oi! People who are trying out, over here! Everyone else, clear off the field," the Captain yelled.

"Bye," James told the group nervously and made his way toward the Captain, in the center of the pitch.

"Ok," the Captain said to the twenty people scattered around him, "My name's Elias Worthington, I'm Gryffindor's captain. To start, we'll be flying across the field. Just a few laps, so that I can test your abilities with flying and acceleration, which are essential in Quidditch. When you hear my whistle once, speed up. Twice, slow down. Just head in circles," Worthington looked around, holding up his whistle. After setting it down, he pulled out a notebook and Quill. "Just taking some notes," He explained. "Ready? Ok, go!" The group hastily mounted their brooms and took off.

"Which way?" a brown haired girl asked, as some people were circling right, others left.

"To the right!" Worthington yelled. "Counter clockwise!" Again, the flying resumed, everyone now going the same way. Within a minute, the shrill chirp of a whistle pierced the air, and half of the group accelerated. It took the other half of the group a moment to figure out they had to speed up, but almost immediately the whistle was blown twice. As one, the group slowed. This exercise was continued for a few minutes, in which several students were grounded due to ramming into others. When the first exercise was over, there were roughly fourteen that had not been cut.

"Now, we're going to practice throwing and catching the Quaffle. We'll start on the ground, but then we can go up in the air a bit." Warrington pulled a Quaffle (a red, soccer-sized ball) out of a case and tossed it to James. James caught it quickly, passing it to the girl behind him. She passed it to Frank Longbottom, who then passed it to a first year in the corner, who dropped it. When the ball had been recovered, it was tossed around a few more times, before everyone mounted a broom.

"Same thing up here?" Frank asked nervously as he rose up into the air.

"Yep. Try not to fall- it doesn't feel good." The ball was again passed around. The first year fell off his broom and was ushered away, as was Frank, who had fumbled the Quaffle. Another five minutes of passing passed and there were nine people left.

"For the last exercise, those of you auditioning for chaser, work together, pass the ball, and try to make a goal. Those of you for keeper, I want you to take a hoop. We should have six hoops, so assuming you aren't all hoping to be keeper, we should be alright," Worthington informed the group. Five people sped off to the hoops, the rest stayed by the captain. "Alright. Remember to pass to each other. Any hoop works." He passed the ball to James, who with the other three chasers, sped down the pitch as fast as their brooms could go. James's, however, would not go as fast as he liked.

"Stupid broom!" James moaned as he tossed the Quaffle to the kid next to him. "Why a Silver Arrow?"

"At least it's not any older than that," the red haired boy next to him replied. The group of chasers raced to the hoops, passing the ball around. After catching the Quaffle, the red haired boy chucked it at the nearest hoop. Right in the nick of time, the girl guarding the hoop slammed it out of the air, smirking gleefully as the group made to dive for it. This process was repeated a few times with each member of the group before James feigned right, but at the last minute tossed it left, catching the keeper by surprise. The Quaffle soared through the hoop, landing in the sand pit below. "Nice one," the redhead said, nodding.

"Thanks," James replied, grinning.

"Great job today, guys. I'm glad you came to try out. I'll post your name on the notice board if you make it," Worthington informed the team when they had finished tryouts a half hour later. "Well, that's it. Have a great day." As James locked the school broom in the shed he had borrowed it from, Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked up.

"Nice job," Peter told him.

"Yeah, you had some great goals," Sirius added.

"Based off of what the captain wrote down, I betting its either you or the redhead, Jerry," Remus nodded.

"Thanks- but how did you figure out what Worthington was writing?" James asked him as they walked up to the castle for lunch.

"Binoculars," he replied, holding them up.

"What are binoculars?" Sirius asked.

"Nevermind. They're a muggle tool that you use to see far away things."

"Oh. Those." Lunch was eaten quickly, then the group headed to the library to finish their homework. However, when Sirius pulled out a roll he had nicked from earlier, they were shooed out.

"No food in the library!" Madam Prince cried, looking scandalized. The group then trudged up to Gryffindor Tower. As James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter climbed through the portrait, Miles ran up to James and high fived him.

"Nice job, James. You're gonna be brilliant if Worthington liked you. He's got high standards," Miles said, then ran off.

"I made the team?" James asked blankly, running over to the notice board. His eyes scanned the board, quick as lightning. Within a minute, he had turned around grinning.

"Brilliant!" Peter cheered.

"Maybe McGonagall will let me do the comontary this year," Sirius reasoned, high fiving James.

"Told you," Remus grinned at him. "Nice one."

"Practice is on Wednesday at five," James read, still smiling. "I can't wait."


	11. The First Detention

The excitement and triumph that came with James's success lasted until right before lunch on Monday. "I understand that you just had tryouts, which means that the Quidditch season is approaching," Umbridge lectured them as class started, "but any distraction in this class will not be permitted. Now, please turn to Chapter 35, read it, and when you finish, you can start on your homework, which will be due on Thursday. There will be no need to talk." Lily, who had been very quiet since the first class, raised her hand. "Yes?" Umbridge asked her.

"I'm just wondering when we'll be starting our new unit," Lily prompted her. Umbridge gave her the girly laugh she was now famous for.

"We'll be starting it when we finish the defensive spells area of our textbooks, of course," Umbridge said.

"How many chapters are there to go?" Lily asked, "How many more weeks-"

"Ms. Evans, I suggest you learn how to count. You grew up as a muggle, didn't you? You should know how to better than anyone. That's a detention. 5:00, my office, tomorrow." The class was silent. Then Remus raised his hand. Umbridge nodded to him.

"Professor, shouldn't we be teaching equality and things along those lines? I thought that coming to Hogwarts showed that you have as much a right to be here as anyone else here. Who people's parents are should not be relevant to how we treat them," Remus said, looking Umbridge in the eye.

Umbridge did not break eye contact with him, and stated, "Well, Mr. Lupin, you should know that life isn't fair better than anyone, and stop trying to make it fair, because it won't be. Ever."

Remus went slightly pale, but replied, "Maybe it won't always be fair, but we can try to change that."

"That will be a detention for telling me how to run my class. Same time as Ms. Evans's." The class was silent. Remus Lupin had never gotten a detention. He had never even come close to having a detention. But here he was, nodding and accepting his fate, which now included a trip to Dolores Umbridge's office. "Well? You have reading to do!" Umbridge exclaimed at the class, and the class went from starting at Remus to staring at their books.

When Umbridge turned away, Sirius turned to Remus and gave him a thumbs up. Remus nodded and turned back to his book, eyes drifting blankly over the page. Sirius turned back to his book, and continued to read The Book Thief. " _There were the erased pages of Mein Kampf, gagging, suffocating under the paint as they turned."_ James, too, was reading another book, hidden within the pages of his textbook. The rest of the class, however, turned pages of so-called educational books. While the two boys lapsed into a world of their own, clad in rebellion and words, the rest of the class lapsed into the silence of boredom. The class lapsed into a silence only words could bring- both the good and the bad.


	12. The Silence Of Rebellion

Remus refused to talk about D.A.D.A, although Sirius reassured him he had been brilliant. "Getting detention is not brilliant, Sirius. Getting detention is seriously bad news."

"His name's not Siriusly, Remus. It's just Sirius," Peter joked. When the detention had ended, Lily and Remus one handedly climbed into the Common Room.

"What did you have to write?" asked James darkly as he saw the blood Remus was pressing with a cloth.

"Nothing. Just… Umbridge idealism," Remus told them quickly.

"I will not question the teacher," Lily told them, "Bloody git. Not even sure she's qualified to be a teacher. If my parents knew about this…."

"It's a good thing they don't," Sirius reasoned.

"Well, what makes you say that?" Lily snapped at him.

"If anyone's parents knew, 60% chance that they won't be coming back to Hogwarts," James explained.

"Or Umbridge would be fired."

"Well…." Peter said quietly, "Maybe she'd be fired if she couldn't keep order."

James turned to him and asked, "What, like she couldn't get us to focus?"

Realization dawned on Remus's pale face. "Or if she wasn't teaching us. If we failed the tests."

"Just not paying attention?" Lily wondered aloud.

"She'd file a complaint. Dumbledore might not help her, but we can't be sure," Remus said, then continued. "It would have to be discreet disobedience…."

"Like what Sirius was doing," Peter whispered.

"What was Sirius doing?" Lily asked them, glaring at Sirius.

"I swapped books. Like, there was a charm that I used to switch the inside pages of that Magical Theory book with the book I'm reading now, so when I'm in class, I'm reading this fun book instead of that trash," Sirius explained, grinning.

"So if we did that…." James reasoned, "she would be proven ineffective. And if that happened…."

"She would be fired," Lily finished. "I absolutely hate her, but we can't just get her fired. That's-"

"Brilliant! It's less violent than the bloody Quill she uses," James pointed out.

"You know, I'd love to get you fired-"

"Come on. If we do this-"

"We'll be expelled."

"No we won't, we'll-"

"James, she does have a point," Remus stopped him.

"We can't just let her lord over us," Sirius complained, "It's tyranny!"

"You never say that about 'Minnie,'" Lily told him.

"Minnie and I have a future, Lily! It's like you and James, and anyway, she doesn't torture us with a bloody blood Quill!" Sirius yelled.

"James and I do not have a future," Lily said coolly, looking icily from Sirius to James. "Which means you and McGonagall don't have a future."

"Don't crush my dreams!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically, putting a hand over his heart.

"Please."

"Well, are we protesting or not?" Peter asked them.

Lily glared at the boys, but then replied. "Fine," she said, "I will work with you, but don't expect anything else."

"Ok. Tell your trustworthy friends!" James called after her as she trudged away.

By the next week, more than half of Gryffindor House was reading things other than the Defensive Magical Theory in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sirius was more than halfway through The Book Thief, which Remus had started. Peter was starting to read Percy Jackson. James was reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard. A number of other books had their covers swapped, both wizarding and muggle books. Umbridge was unaware, but pleased that her students were always silent, rushing to get their books out. Rather than the suffocating silence the class had seen only weeks before, a new silence captivated the room. It was the silence of rebellion.


	13. Quidditch Pratice

One afternoon in October, Zander, a fifth year from Hufflepuff, came up to James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. Zander was one of the more popular kids in Hufflepuff; he had the grades, he had the looks, he had the knowledge. "So," Zander said, lowering his voice as he made it to Gryffindor's table, "I heard that you guys are organizing a movement against Umbridge."

"Don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said quickly.

"Guys, I'm not going to rat on you. I heard it from Albert Smith."

"Albert's a good guy," James nodded.

"Taught us how to get into the kitchens," Peter grinned.

"How'd he find out?" Sirius asked. Zander shrugged.

"Listen, the point is, Hufflepuff wants in. I've talked with the other kids in my year, plus a few of the younger kids, and they're all for it."

"What about the sixth and seventh years?" Remus asked him.

"No one's said anything to them yet."

"Just in case, so that they won't say anything?"

"Yeah."

"Alright," Sirius told him.

"You know the spell?" James questioned him quickly. Zander shook his head. "Right, it's just a switching spell. Erm, anything else?"

"No. Well, thanks. We'll see you later." Zander walked out of the hall, probably to inform the rest of Hufflepuff that they could now participate in the rebellion that had started to simmer.

A week later, most of Hufflepuff was reading cookbooks rather than the textbook. Two weeks later, Remus disappeared again due to bad allergies. Three weeks later, James entered his fifth Quidditch practice. "Right," Worthington stated as five other members of of the Quidditch team gathered around him. "Hallie's gone because she's in the Hospital Wing. Apparently she was hexed on her way to class, so she's out of action for the next week. It shouldn't affect our first game, which will be in three weeks." The team looked at him for a moment, before he said, "Well? Let's get practice going."

The team mounted their brooms and rose up into the cloud-filled sky. "Do we have a scenario?" Mitchel asked.

Worthington replied, thinking quickly, "Sure- Maria, get to the hoops. Mitchel, Justin, you have to hit the bludgers at James and away from Sarah. Sarah, you're trying to get the Quaffle from James and to the other side, James, try to score some points. All right? I'm releasing the bludgers." The bludgers were released, James grabbed the Quaffle, and the scrimmage began. James swerved up the pitch, only to be cut off by Sarah, who grinned at him.

"I'm not going to give you an easy time, Potter," she said as she moved to block him again.

"That's alright," James told her and dove toward the ground. Sarah followed, but just as she was gaining, James pulled up, now in front of her. "Yes!" He was twenty yards from the goal posts when his broom started to slow down. "No." Pushing it as fast as he could, he flew towards the goal posts. 10 yards, 5 yards- and then his broom was hit with a well aimed bludger that sent him spiraling out of control and the Quaffle spiraling out of his fingertips.

"Thanks, Potter," Sarah yelled to him as she caught the falling ball and sped to the hoops on the other side of the pitch. After she had scored, Worthington called them to the ground.

"Mitchel, great bludger work. We use that against Ravenclaw, we can probably score a few goals. Justin, nice covering. Sarah, you had a strategy, that's good. James, that was a great dive, but when you get close to the goals, don't slow down. Maria, you were ready to block. Other keepers don't always do that. Should we try another?"

"Sure," Justin said, nodding.

"Ok. Same teams, but Mitchel, you're defending James this time. Up until I catch the snitch. Ready? Go."


	14. The Second Half Of The Day

"In this lesson, I want you to choose one of the recipes on the board, make it, and decide whether it's a poison or an antidote," Professor Slughorn told the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins. "Please _do_ _not_ try to consume or convince another to consume your final solution. Don't mix the recipes up, because that would be catastrophic. Go ahead and get started." Slughorn nodded and the class rushed to pull ingredients out.

"So we're doing the one on the left, or the right one?" James asked Sirius.

"Let's go left," Sirius said, looking over the ingredients.

"Doing the easy one?" The boy behind them sneered. Severus Snape had a hooked nose, greasy hair, and dark eyes. His face was set with a particular look of triumph, a dark satisfaction at being at the higher level.

"Shove off, Snivellus," James spat at him. "Bloody eavesdropper."

"You have a problem with awareness, Potter?"

"Awareness about what you don't need to know, yeah."

"Anything else?" Snape was now cutting his roots to the proportions required for the potion on the right.

"Yeah," James and Sirius said at the same time.

"You're an ugly git who should go back to where he came from," James told him scathingly as he reread the recipe.

"You should stop acting like you're better than everyone else because you apparently are the 'most brilliant kid in Potions.'" Sirius added, then turned away from him.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape, please focus! You don't have forever, as these have to simmer!" yelled Professor Slughorn.

Snape nodded then whispered in James's ear, "You think you're amazing, Potter, but you're not. You are nothing without anyone behind you."

The rest of Potions was uneventful, minus the talk of ruining Snape's work. "We should add some leech juice. I've heard that when it's used the wrong way it can cake up on your cauldron. Fancy him cleaning that," Sirius whispered spitefully half what through the hour.

"Slughorn would catch us," James replied sullenly. Snape made it through the hour with both him and his potion unscathed.

In History of Magic, Professor Binns, their ghost teacher, lecture them about goblin wars. As he droned on, much of the class fell into a drowsy silence, broken only by the occasional soft snore of another student drifting off. Remus was back after a few days in the Hospital Wing and was finding it hard to accept the fact the people were still using History of Magic as an added time for sleeping. "Why does everyone always fall asleep? Honestly, we will need to know this for exams, and-"

"Remus, we're all going to die like Binns because of boredom. Give everyone a break," Sirius whispered as he doodled on his parchment. "We're just trying to stay sane."

"People can stay sane if they listen. It's not ideal but it won't kill you…." At the end of the hour, the class was assigned an essay on the events of May, 1637. With classes out, everyone rushed to their common rooms to finish any homework they had so a stress-free weekend was possible. Of course, no weekend at Hogwarts had ever been stress-free.


	15. Hypothetically

The next week, a large number of Defense Against the Dark Arts essays were turned in. More than half of them were graded as fails. The teachers had no explanation.

"Now, most of you have been failing Defense Against the Dark Arts," McGonagall said to her transfiguration class the day after. She gave a stern glance to Sirius, James, and Peter. Sirius winked.

McGonagall did not wink back.

"I'd like to ask that you _please_ pay attention," she continued, "It is not unusual that a few select students don't do well, but half the class? That doesn't happen very often. The headmaster has been informed of your failing grades and has a solution.

Unless you want to have extra help- in other words, if you want to be tutored by Professor Umbridge, you'll need to hire your grades."

There were a few shared glances around the room.

"Well? Page twenty. Please read the first section. You have ten minutes, then we'll discuss."

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, Umbridge had a new approach. "Because you haven't been doing well," Umbridge purred, "I'll be lecturing you rather than having you read the books every day. Books away."

With a few sideways glances, the class put away their books.

"Bloody toad," Sirius muttered.

"She was going to change her approach at some point," Remus quietly pointed out.

"I'm not going to remember a thing from this lecture!" James hissed, "Why do we have to do this?"

"It's school, James, come on," Remus said.

"Defensive spells can be useful in many situations," Umbridge started.

"What are we going to do now?" Zander had come over to the Gryffindor table during lunch. "With Umbridge's lectures-"

"We're working on it. For now, pass- but just barely. That way you don't have to be tutored by her," Remus said quietly. "We'll find another way to get her out. I'll tell you when we have an idea."

"Alright," Zander said, then scurried back to the Hufflepuff table.

"Pass? Then she's doing her job!" Sirius said hotly, "She won't be fired if we pass-"

"Yeah, but she's a perfectionist," Remus said, "so she won't stand for less than that. Until we have a better plan, that's what we got."

"We need to talk to Lily. Tonight in the common room," Peter said. "Maybe she'll have an idea."

Remus grimaced. "I won't be able to make it. I've got… stuff… that I've got to do. But you guys can talk with her."

"We can wait-"

"No, you guys need to keep the rebellion going," Remus said, "I…." He trailed off.

Behind him stood Professor McGonagall.

"Oh, hey, Minnie! How's it going?" Sirius asked.

"I believe you have some explaining to do," McGonagall said. "After lessons, I'd like to talk to you, in my office."

"Look, Professor, you gave me detention," James started.

"Detention is tomorrow, then," McGonagall told him. She briskly walked away, leaving the boys to their lunches.

"That's going to go well," James commented.

That afternoon, they knocked on McGonagall's office door. She quickly opened it and let them inside.

Her mahogany desk sat in the farthest corner, next to which a small pillow sat. On the desk there a neat stack of papers and plate of biscuits. A large window let in plenty of light.

"Have a biscuit," she instructed them.

"Anything for you, Minnie," Sirius said, nervously grinning. He grabbed a biscuit.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Lupin. Have a biscuit."

"They're really good," Sirius said between mouthfuls.

James, Peter, and Remus reluctantly grabbed biscuits.

"Would any of you care to explain what you were discussing at lunch?" McGonagall asked them, raising an eyebrow.

"No," James said quickly.

"No," Peter agreed.

"Yum," Sirius said, helping himself to another biscuit. "Are these lemon?"

"Yes, Mr. Black. Did you even hear what I just said?" McGonagall sighed when he didn't reply. "Mr. Lupin?"

"Er, Professor Umbridge… She's not the greatest teacher," Remus started.

"She came from the Ministry," McGonagall said, as though that explained everything.

"They let her in?" he asked in surprise. "If that's their standards, I could be Minister of Magic," he added darkly.

"You're going to be Minister even if they have high standards," James pointed out, "You have some of the best grades in our year."

Remus bit his tongue and looked down.

"Mr. Lupin?" McGonagall insisted, "The discussion."

Remus blinked. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. All Umbridge has us do in class in read the textbook, which, by the way is really bad quality. I've seen at least ten different grammar problems in it. She hasn't taught us anything. We were bored out of our minds until we- most of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, actually- swapped books."

"Swapped books?"

"We used a switching charm to switch the books. The cover is the Defensive Magical Theory, but the inside is the pages of another book," James explained reluctantly.

"It was Sirius's idea," Peter said.

"It was worth it, these are great," Sirius said, grabbing at another biscuit.

"Mr. Black, I'd like you to stop eating all my biscuits," McGonagall said. She appeared to be hiding a grin behind her pursed lips.

"Umbridge's classes are bloody messes, and since she isn't doing her job, we want to get her fired. Then maybe we'll get someone who will," Remus finished.

"Well," McGonagall paused, "Hypothetically, it's a very good plan."

"She's lecturing us now, and it's not any better," Pete interrupted. "The plan won't work anymore."

"I think you should talk to Ms. Evans. She might have an idea. Hypothetically, of course," McGonagall said, a twinkle in her eye.

"Completely hypothetical," James agreed.

"And, hypothetically, where would I find the recipe for these biscuits?" Sirius inquired.

McGonagall sighed again. "The hypothetical answer would be in the kitchens. The house elves have it."

"Got it."

"Now. You all have places to be. Mr. Potter, detention tomorrow, don't forget."

With a rare smile, McGonagall led them to the door.

"Thanks, Professor," Remus said.

"Hypothetically," Sirius added.


	16. Homework And Eggs

James, Sirius, and Peter found Lily in the common room that night.

"Lily!" James called.

Lily looked up from her book with a disgruntled look.

"Can we talk for a moment?" he asked.

Lily groaned. "This better be important, Potter."

"It is!"

She set her book down on the common room table and walked over to James, Sirius, and Peter. "What?"

"So, we had a conversation with Minnie today," Sirius started, "which, by the way was totally hypothetical."

"So it never happened?" Lily asked, rolling her eyes.

"It happened, but we're calling it hypothetical. It's off record, as Muggles put it," James told her.

"We told her about our plan with the books," Peter said, lowering his voice, "and she hypothetically told us to talk with you. About a new plan."

Lily was silent. "Let me think about it. I'll have something in the morning," she finally said.

"Okay," James said.

At breakfast the next morning, Lily came up to James, Peter, and Sirius.

"I have an idea," she said.

"What is is?" James asked.

"When she lectures- what if we didn't listen? What if instead we…." Lily stopped talking.

"What?"

"What if we caused trouble? If she can't control us, she can't teach us," she finished.

"Lily Evans, did you just suggest we cause trouble?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

Lily sighed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"There's still hope!" James said happily.

"Sod off, Potter."

"I'll go let Hufflepuff know," Peter said, then ran off to the Hufflepuff table.

"See you in class," James called as Lily stalked away.

Umbridge was waiting at the front of the room, ready to start her lesson.

"Too bad Remus isn't here," James muttered as they took their seats.

"Where is Remus?" Peter asked.

"He said he had stuff to do, remember?" James reminded him. Then, he, Peter, and Sirius split up, taking seats as far away from each other as possible.

A few minutes later, the class had taken their seats. Umbridge began the lecture when-

"Oh no! I forgot to do my homework, Sirius! What should I do?" James shouted across the room.

"I don't know!" Sirius yelled back.

"Come on mate! You have to help me!"

"I can't! I forgot to do mine too! You see, I was mourning the eggs Peter stole from me at breakfast! They would have tasted so good, but alas! They are gone!"

"Peter, why did you steal Sirius's eggs? If you hadn't stolen his eggs, he would have his homework done and he could have helped me!" James cried, now looking to Peter.

"Boys," Umbridge started, but got no further.

"I-I-I did it because Lily dared me to!" Peter squeaked. "It was her fault."

James turned to Lily. "Evans, how could you? You knew that if you had Peter steal Sirius's eggs, then I wouldn't do my homework! You know that I love you, but I cannot forgive you for this terrible deed!"

At this point, most of the class was hiding grins or clutching their stomachs' as they laughed.

Lily didn't move.

James glared at her.

She rolled her eyes then added in. "Listen, Potter, I don't want your forgiveness! I want you to fail, be expelled, and then I can finally get some peace! You and your gang- minus Remus, and sometimes Peter- are always up to something! It always lands you in detention and loses Gryffindor points! I'm sick of it! Also, these speeches about your love for me? Forget it! The relationship you and I have is like the relationship of Sirius and McGonagall: It doesn't exist!"

"How dare you!" Sirius screeched. "My heart is breaking!" He promptly fell out of his desk and onto the floor, shaking with suppressed laughter.

"Mr. Black!" Umbridge yelled.

"You killed him!" James roared. "You're going to pay for that! Sirius! Sirius can you hear me?"

"Tell Remus goodbye for me!" Sirius shouted, then stopped moving.

"Mr. Black!" Umbridge yelled again.

No one heard her. They were too busy laughing.

"Detentions for all of you! Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Ms. Evans! Tonight, 5:00!"

"I'm going to get you, Evans!" James was still going on. He strode towards Lily and made to punch her.

He didn't have the chance.

" _Immobulus!"_

James was rooted to the spot.

The class went silent at once.

"Mr. Potter," Umbridge sneered, "You're coming with me. Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, and Ms. Evans are too."

"You've killed him! He isn't breathing, Professor! I can't see him breathing! James, come back! Don't die on me!" Sirius had stopped playing dead. He rushed over to where James and Umbridge stood, vaulting over desks to get there.

"He's simply immobilized," Umbridge told him.

"He's dead!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically.

"No, he's not," Umbridge snapped, then waved her wand. James stumbled forward.

"James! Thank god you're alright!"

James ignored Sirius. "You bloody bast-"

Umbridge silenced him. "Come with me."

Umbridge led them to McGonagall's office. She rapped her fist sharply on the door.

McGonagall opened it.

"Minnie!" Sirius whispered. "Minnie, you need to leave! She tried to kill James! She'll kill you, too!"

McGonagall stared at him.

"Minerva, we need to talk," Umbridge interrupted.

McGonagall back up, allowing Umbridge into her office.

"No! No, Minnie, no! It's a trap!"

"Mr. Black, I think you forget that I've been teaching here for many years," McGonagall reminded him. With that, she closed the door.


	17. How To Make Biscuits

"They need disciplinary action," Umbridge insisted. "I've given them all detentions-"

"I'll take care of it, Delores. Potter has a detention with me already tonight. I'll double his time and take the others as well. Then you can get yourself ready for tomorrow. I'm sure your classroom is a mess after that spectacle," McGonagall said.

"Hem, hem-"

"I'll handle them."

"Minerva, if I may-"

"No, you may not." McGonagall led Umbridge to the door.

"Hem, hem." Umbridge cleared her throat to speak.

"Do you need a cough drop, Delores? I'm sure I have one somewhere," McGonagall said sweetly.

"Oh, fine." Umbridge flounced out of the office.

McGonagall closed the door and turned to see Sirius grabbing a biscuit.

"Sorry, Professor," Lily started, "James and Sirius-"

"Have a biscuit, then we'll talk," McGonagall said simply, cutting her off.

Lily grabbed a biscuit.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew. That includes you."

James and Peter each grabbed a biscuit.

"Sit," McGonagall told them, conjuring four chairs before her desk. When everyone had sat, she spoke again. "Hypothetically, I think that went well."

James's face split into a grin.

Peter nervously laughed.

Lily stared at the boys in shock.

"I told you so," Sirius said, smirking. He reached for another biscuit.

"Mr. Black, enough biscuits! You've almost used up my supply!" McGonagall sighed.

"Come on, Minnie! They're so good," he said as he bit into one.

"Hypothetically, what should we do next?" James interrupted.

"Hypothetically, could we miss detention?" Peter asked.

"Hypothetically, no. You need to go to detention," Lily grumbled.

"Hypothetically, I'd do something outside of lessons," McGonagall said quietly, glancing at Sirius and James.

"Brilliant. We'll get that started," Sirius said. "We'll just go to lunch now."

"My office tonight," McGonagall reminded them.

"We'll be there."

That night, the boys and Lily reported to McGonagall's office.

"Boys, Ms. Evans," McGonagall greeted them crisply.

"Minnie," Sirius replied cheerfully, heading for the biscuits.

"Mr. Black, no more of those."

"Sorry, Minnie."

"So…. What are we doing for detention?" Peter asked awkwardly. He fidgeted with his tie.

"As Mr. Black has eaten most of my biscuits, I need to get more. However, the house elves are busy enough, so we'll be making another few batches ourselves," McGonagall said crisply.

"We're baking you cookies for detention," Lily said flatly.

"Yes, Ms. Evans."

"That's it?"

"Yes. Come on, we can't bake in here," McGonagall said, and led them out of the office.

Rather than leading them to the lower floor as Sirius, James, and Peter had anticipated, McGonagall led them up to the seventh floor.

"Er, Professor? The kitchens are downstairs," James pointed out.

"Did I tell you we were going to the kitchens?" McGonagall asked.

"No, but-"

"Here we are."

The group was face to face with an empty wall.

"This isn't the kitchens," Peter noted.

"No, Mr. Pettigrew, but it is a kitchen," McGonagall told him.

Sirius chuckled. "Minnie, this is a wall. Biscuit don't come from-"

He trailed off as a oaken door materialized before them.

McGonagall opened it and led them inside.

The room was light grey and windowless, though cheerfully lit. In one corner, a black stove rested. Next to it was a sink and long wooden counter. On the opposite wall, there were some shelves, laden with spoons, bowls, plates, cookbooks, and ingredients.

"The recipe," McGonagall informed them as she strode to the shelves, "is here. Page 493." She dislodged a thick volume and passed it to Sirius.

He staggered under its sudden weight. "Bloody hel- heck, I mean. Sorry, Minnie, but this thing is heavy!"

"You'll find what you need in here," McGonagall continued, "I expect that when you finish, you'll bring the finished product to my office. Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Ms. Evans, try to keep Mr. Black from eating the whole batch." With that, McGonagall left them standing in the room.

It was silent for a minute, then-

"So, what do we do now?" James asked.

"It's obvious, isn't it, Potter?" Lily said, a smile playing on her face. "We bake."

"What do these numbers mean?" Sirius asked, squinting at the page. "Two and a fourth cups of flour?"

"You've never baked?" Lily asked him. She was rummaging around the shelves.

"No, my mum never let, uh, baked. She never baked. We had a house elf," Sirius said quickly.

"Potter, pull out the rest of the ingredients. I'll help Sirius."

James sighed. "I'm on it."

Lily came over to Sirius, a set of brass measuring cups and spoons in one hand and a large bag of flour in the other. "Hey, Peter, can you grab a bowl? We need to put this in something."

"Yeah!" Peter scrambled to the shelves and grabbed a large metal mixing bowl. He passed to to Lily.

Lily set everything on the counter. "So, these cups? We use them to measure things like flour and sugar. The spoons are usually for salt, vanilla, and whatnot. There are also liquid measuring cups, but I didn't grab one of those. Anyway, two and one fourth? You measure that out with these. Two one cup measures and one one fourth measure. Just like this." Lily scooped the one cup measure into the bag of flour, leveled it out, and dumped it into the bowl. "That's all there is too it. Now you give it a go."

Sirius carefully took the measuring cup from Lily and scooped some flour into it. He leveled it out, then carefully poured it into the bowl. The flour puffed up in a cloud of white.

Lily coughed. "That's how it works, but you need to do it closer to the bowl, or it poofs like that."

Sirius stared at the settling flour in shock. "Oh no!" he exclaimed dramatically, "It escaped the bowl! Oh, it has been wasted! My flour, my dear, dear flour, I'm so sorry!"

Lily raised her hand to swat at Sirius. She missed.

Sirius tensed, a look of expectancy plain on his face. All humor gone.

Lily didn't notice. "Don't worry! It's just a little flour," she said, grinning.

There was a beat of silence.

"How do you keep it from exploding?" he asked after a minute.

"Just pour it in closer to the bottom of the bowl," Lily said, shrugging.

"You're really good at this," Sirius told her after a few more minutes of measuring and mixing.

"Mum, 'Tunia, and I did it all the time back home," she said, a small smile on her face. It quickly faded. "At least, before school started."

An hour later, the biscuits were out of the oven. Sirius and Peter hovered over them, breathing in their sweet, citrus scent.

"Just one?" Sirius asked James. "Please?"

"You know what Minnie said," he replied seriously.

"Maybe three?"

"Sorry, mate."

"Out of the way, Potter." Lily pushed her way ahead of him and snatched a biscuit.

"You're not supposed to eat those!" James whined.

Peter grabbed one. "Well, we have to taste test them," he said.

Sirius grabbed a biscuit and stuffed it in his mouth before James could protest.

"Mmmm," he moaned blissfully. He reached for another one.

His hand was knocked out of the way. "Come on. We still have to get them to Minnie," James pointed out.


	18. The Trap

When the boys returned to their dormitory, Remus was waiting for them. He now had a deep cut that ran jagged across his cheek, but grinned nonetheless when he saw them.

"I heard about what you guys did in D.A.D.A. That was brilliant!" Remus' smile suddenly dropped. "She made you use the quill, didn't she? Are you guys alright?"

"Minnie intervened. You should have been there, Remus! It was incredible. James said he forgot to do his homework, and asked me for help, but I couldn't, because Peter had stolen my eggs at breakfast because Lily had told him to," Sirius said excitedly.

"She played along, too," James told him happily. "There's still hope!"

"Anyway, Umbridge tried to kill James and give us detention, but-"

"Umbridge tried to kill you?" Remus yelped.

"She used _Immobulus_ on him. Sirius thought he was dead," Peter explained.

"I'm trying to tell a story! So, Minnie told Umbridge that she would take us for detention, offered Umbridge a cough drop, and then we made another batch of biscuits," Sirius finished.

"They taste even better fresh out of the oven," Peter said, a wistful smile spreading upon his face.

"You made McGonagall biscuits for detention," Remus said, "right after James almost died."

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

"Okay. I'm not commenting on that."

"Please do comment."

"No-"

It was then that James noticed the cut. "You alright?" he asked, studying it. "It looks pretty deep. Did you see Madam Pomfrey?"

Remus' expression became guarded. "Yeah, I saw her. I'm fine."

"Bloody hell, Remus. What were you doing?" Sirius asked him.

"Oh. You know. Stuff."

"How did your stuff go?" Peter asked him.

"Stuffy."

There was a beat, then Sirius quietly chuckled and pointed to Remus. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Remus Lupin, master of description!"

James and Peter laughed while Remus gave a small smile.

"Er, well, I'm going to bed," Remus said after a moment. "'Night."

The next morning, plans were brewing at the breakfast table.

"So we know the plan? Sirius, you distract her. Peter, you act as lookout. Remus, you help me set the trap in a logical way and make sure it doesn't blow up in our faces," James said, glancing at everyone in turn.

"You know, the logical thing to do would not be setting a trap in her office," Remus grumbled.

"It's completely logical," James told him with a wave of his hand.

"What do I do if I see her?" Peter asked nervously. "Do I, like, yell, or whistle, or-"

"Distract her loudly," Sirius said, "so then James and Remus will hear you and get out of there."

"Okay. Yeah, I can do that."

"Ready? Okay, let's go."

With concealed grins, the group set out to carry out their plan.

Sirius set off to find Umbridge while James, Remus, and Peter made their way to her office.

"Stay here," James told Peter as they made to turn into the corridor with the office.

Peter nodded, and James and Remus crept on.

When they neared the door, Remus used the unlocking charm.

" _Alohomora_ ," he whispered.

With a quiet, yet startling click, the door opened, hinges squeaking.

"Bloody hinges," James said, glancing around anxiously.

"Go!" Remus said, pushing him over the threshold and into the office.

It looked the same as it had looked when the boys had gone to their detentions: Wallpaper so pink it blinded you when you looked at it, a neatly tidied desk, pink rugs, and a collection of kitten china plates.

"This is going to stain her walls for weeks," James said gleefully. "She's going to have fun washing those dishes."

"Come on. Let's finish this before she comes back," Remus insisted. "You have everything?"

"Yes, I have everything, plus the cloak, because this is a long corridor. If she comes, we aren't going to be able to outrun her."

"Okay. Get it started."

James and Remus began to ready the trap.

Meanwhile, Sirius had found Umbridge.

"Hey! Professor! Can I talk to you?" he called.

Umbridge turned. "Yes?"

"Well," Sirius started, "I'm sorry about the other day."

"I'm glad, Mr. Black." Umbridge whirled around to leave.

"Wait! I'm not done apologizing and explaining! I didn't mean to interrupt the class! It was just, James was going to do his homework in the morning. I told him I help him and remind him, but then Peter stole my eggs! They were cooked so perfectly! They were beautiful! I was about to tell Remus that when Peter reached over and stole them! I was so busy grieving that I forgot about James' homework, and then he remembered in class! I didn't know that Lily had told Peter to do it, so I told him what I knew about the catastrophe of breakfast! And here we are. I'm really sorry about that. I'd also like to apologize for James. I would do the same for Peter and Lily, but they stole my eggs, so I won't do that."

"Thank you for the apology, Mr. Black, but I have to get ready for classes," Umbridge said, trying to excuse herself.

"But Professor! I have questions!"

"Later, Mr. Black." Despite his pleas, she made towards her office.

Sirius tore through the halls. He had to get there before Umbridge. He had to warn the others.

When Peter saw him, he asked, "Is she coming?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. She stopped listening to me. We've got to get James and Remus out of there before-"

James and Remus emerged from the office, closing the door.

"Is it finished?" Peter asked excitedly. "Is she going to fall for it?"

Remus nodded. "It should detonate when she opens the door."

Sirius started to say, "Brilliant, but we've gotta go, she'll be here any minute-"

The soft clicking of petal-pink heels reached their ears. Umbridge had arrived.

"Boys. What are you doing here?" Umbridge inquired sweetly.

"Oh. Uh. We were…. Walking," James said.

"You don't look like you were walking. Loitering, maybe?"

"No, no, sorry Professor Umbridge," Remus apologized. "We'll just... walk… somewhere else."

The group rushed out of the corridor.

They hadn't gone far when a door clicked open. Then Umbridge shrieked.

"Go, go, go," Remus urged them as they broke into a sprint.

Behind them, Umbridge let out a scream of rage.

"BOYS!"


	19. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff

The weekend brought the first Quidditch match of the season; Gryffindor pitted against Hufflepuff.

"Hufflepuff has a good Keeper, so Chasers, you'll have to work extra hardn to get goals," Worthington told the team. "Sarah, James, Hallie, we're counting on you."

The Chasers nodded.

"Maria, they don't have bad offense, so you'll need to be on your toes. Justin, Mitchel, hit those bludgers as hard as you can. I'll be looking for the snitch, so I won't spend loads of time watching the rest of you, the defense and offense is your call. Hufflepuff may have a good team, but we've got a better one because we can work together, alright? Let's go," Worthington finished.

The team stepped out of the locker room to tremendous applause from the Gryffindor section, clutching their brooms.

Just under half of the stadium sported red and gold. Gryffindor and roughly a half of Ravenclaw supported Gryffindor. Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and the half of Ravenclaw donned yellow and black for Hufflepuff.

"Today's game; Hufflepuff vs Gryffindor!" the commentator roared over the crowd. "For Hufflepuff, Diggory, Bones, Bennet, Schpect, Lewis, Einheim, and Donner! For Gryffindor, Worthington, Klosse, Hoover, Potter, Albatram, Finley, and Rowsey!"

The two teams met in the middle and the captains shook hands. Each of the players mounted their brooms and tensed, waiting for the sound of the whistle-

A shrill squeak resonated across the pitch.

The teams took off, and the game began.

James lunged for the Quaffle, but was beat there by the opposing chaser, who streaked past him and down the pitch towards Maria.

The other chasers gave pursuit.

"Schpect races towards the Gryffindor goalposts, passes to Bones, back to Schpect, oh!" The commentator winced. "Bludger to the head for Schpect! She drops the Quaffle, which is grabbed by Klosse of Gryffindor, Gryffindor in possession!"

Hallie whipped around on her broom and began speeding towards the Hufflepuff goalposts, dodging a bludger hit by one of the beaters.

"Oi!" she shouted tossing the ball to James.

James caught it and continued their advance up the pitch.

"He's got the Quaffle- look out, there's a bludger! Nice dodge by Potter of Gryffindor. Only twenty yards from the hoops-"

James was being tailed now by the Hufflepuff beaters, who were knocking bludgers at him at every opportunity. He gained another few yards before he was forced to pass to Sarah in order to prevent losing the Quaffle because of the two bludgers that were whizzing toward him.

"Potter passes to Hoover, getting a nice blow to the stomach from Lewis, Hoover's speeding towards the goalposts, she throws- blocked by Einheim! Hufflepuff in possession, Bones with the Quaffle!"

Winded from the bludger, James hurried to try and get the Quaffle back, but Sarah and Hallie were already on it.

"Klosse coming up from below Bones, forcing her to pivot into the path of a bludger. Bones narrowly misses being hit, but drops the Quaffle, which is caught by Hoover! Excellent play by the two chasers!"

Hallie and Sarah were streaking towards James, Quaffle in hand.

Sarah tossed James the ball.

James snatched it out of the air, speeding towards the Hufflepuff rings. Thirty yards, twenty yards, ten yards-

There was a loud crack as one of the Hufflepuffs slammed into the front of James' broom, chipping the front of it.

The broom slowed slightly.

The Gryffindor section of the stands gave a shout of protest.

"Come on, come on," James muttered angrily.

"Diggory crashes into the front of Potter's broom. Potter still has the Quaffle and appears to be fine, but his broom is slowing, not good for a Chaser," the commentator noted. "Time out, Gryffindor, and a penalty awarded to Gryffindor, which will be taken after the time out."

The two teams sank to the ground, gathering in their individual huddles.

"Diggory got your broom pretty good," Worthington remarked, "but we can sort that out. Does anyone have their wand on them?"

"Oi! Mate, you alright?" came a shout from the nearby stands.

"I'm fine!" James yelled back to Sirius.

"Okay, good," Sirius said, fighting his way to the edge of the stands. "Your broom doesn't look alright, though."

"Can we use your wand?" Worthington interrupted. "We've got to fix it."

"Sure," Sirius said after a moment of hesitation, then passed it down.

" _Reparo,_ " Worthington muttered, pointing the wand at James' broomstick, mending it instantly. He then passed Sirius his wand back.

"You're doing brilliant, keep going!" Sirius shouted as he faded back into the crowd.

A shrill whistle signaled that the timeout was over, and the teams rose to the cloudless sky once again.

Hallie took the penalty shot, scoring the first point of the game.

"Ten to nothing for Gryffindor!" the commentator yelled.

The Hufflepuff Chaser, Schpect, grabbed the Quaffle and bolted down the pitch, weaving between bludgers and players, quickly nearing the Gryffindor goalposts. She passed to one of the other Chasers beside her, who sped forward a little, then chucked the Quaffle through the middle hoop.

"Hufflepuff scores their first points and we're tied! Ten to ten, Gryffindor in possession of the Quaffle!"

A roar of triumph came from the Hufflepuff section as Sarah fumbled a difficult catch and dropped the Quaffle into Bones' hands, who then passed it to Bennet.

The Gryffindors shouted in satisfaction as Justin sent a well-aimed bludger into Bennet's back, causing him to drop the ball.

The game continued for a few more minutes without any points, making things only more intense.

"Gryffindor has the Quaffle again, Hoover to Potter, Potter to Klosse, Klosse back to Potter, Potter shoots-"

James knew he would miss the moment the ball left his hands. The Hufflepuff Keeper was right there.

"Einheim blocks just barely blocks that shot, sending the Quaffle towards the ground. Potter dives and grabs it, looks like he's going to try again- no, he throws it to Hoover, Hoover's headed for the other Chasers, not the goalposts."

"Worthington was right, this guy is good," Sarah said hurriedly, glancing behind them. "We need to get past him, but speeding isn't working. Any ideas?"

A bludger zoomed past James, only inches from his face. They would need to move fast.

"We can go for a far hoop, that might work," Hallie said.

A plan formulated in James' mind. "No, I know what we've got to do. Hallie, go towards the left hoop, Sarah, you take the center on, I'll go right. We can pass the Quaffle between us, confuse him," he explained quickly. "We've only been going for one hoop, let's change it up a bit on him."

"Are you playing or not?" one of the Hufflepuff Chasers shouted as they rushed towards them.

"Brilliant, let's go," Sarah said, turning to speed for the left hoop.

"And the Gryffindor Chasers are back! Hoover at the left hoop, she passes to Klosse, Klosse heads for the center, back to Hoover on the left, to Potter on the right hoop, back to Klosse, to Hoover, to Potter- extremely dizzying and confusing for the crowd _and_ the Keeper- It's to Potter, to Hoover, to Potter, to- wait! Potter shoots and scores on the right hoop!"

The Gryffindors screamed their approval below.

The Gryffindor Chasers grinned at each other and raced to their side of the field to intercept Hufflepuff.

"Hufflepuff with the Quaffle, Bennet is almost knocked off his broom by a bludger hit by Finley. Gryffindor in possession- hold on, Worthington and Lewis are speeding down the pitch towards the teachers' box, they've seen the snitch!"

The crowd held its breath as Worthington and the Hufflepuff Seeker dove from above the pitch towards the box, where a flash of gold caught James' eye.

Worthington extended his arm towards the golden ball, he was about to grab it-

A bludger struck him in the gut, causing him to tumble backwards, halfway off his broom.

The sections supporting Hufflepuff applauded, the Gryffindor section booing and calling for a penalty.

"No penalty rewarded, but Lewis didn't get the snitch, it slipped away from them. Down at the Hufflepuff goalposts, Klosse shoots and misses, blocked by Einheim. Hufflepuff in possession, Bones with the Quaffle."

James glanced toward where Worthington had been, but he was gone. That meant he could still play, and so long as he could play, they could win.

"It looks as though they've seen the snitch again- no, false alarm, it was a feint by Worthington, who's still hanging in there. Bones shoots on the right hoop- blocked by Gryffindor Keeper Rowsey! Gryffindor in possession, Hoover to Potter to Hoover again, to Klosse, to Potter, to Hoover, Klosse, Hoover, Klosse, Potter, Hoover, Potter, Klosse- they're back up with confusion as their tactic! Klosse shoots, ten points to Gryffindor!"

The game continued for another ten minutes before there was anymore mention of the snitch.

"Fifty points for Gryffindor, fourty to Hufflepuff. Both with great defense and offense, this is running long! If someone doesn't catch the snitch soon, this game will- Speaking of the Snitch, Lewis is pulling into a dive!" the commentator shouted excitedly, "He's seen it, this could be it- Worthington is on his tail, they're neck and neck- Lewis catches the golden snitch! Final score, fifty points to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff wins with one hundred and ninety!"

Down in the locker room, the team changed out of their robes and made to leave, but was held back by Worthington.

"I know we didn't win," Worthington said, "but that's on me. The rest of you did great. Maria, you had some great saves. Mitchel, Justin, you did well with your aiming, much better than the other day at practice. Hallie, Sarah, James, you three did really well against Einheim, he's hard to get past. Our next practice will be Friday. Take a break from the pitch so we can work harder than ever, we've still got a chance at getting the Quidditch Cup."

Despite their loss, the Gryffindor team left the locker room with their backs straight as they could.

"That was brilliant!" Sirius told James the moment he got outside.

"You did really well," Remus agreed.

"Especially that first shot you made," Peter said enthusiastically.

"Thanks," James said tiredly, though he grinned.

"If you keep playing like that you'll end up playing professionally," Sirius said confidently.

"I don't know about me, but the Hufflepuff Keeper, Einheim, he could," James shrugged.

"He may have blocked a few shots, but you helped keep them at bay," Remus said. "For a first game, that's pretty good."

"Or you could both play professionally," Peter offered.

"Guess what happened when you made your first shot?" Sirius said. "Minnie was _clapping_ for you. Actually, she may have smiled. If you made Minnie smile, then you can play professionally."

James laughed. "If anyone who made McGonagall smile could play professional Quidditch, you'd probably be playing, too."

"Don't give him any ideas," Remus said.

"Too late," Sirius grinned.


	20. Lines

Monday's class with Umbridge resulted in four detentions.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew. We'll be discussing your actions about yesterday in my office tonight. Same time as usual," she told them before class was dismissed.

"Git," James muttered under his breath.

"Bloody toad," Peter agreed.

"Son of a-" Sirius started.

"She's a girl, so technically, she can't be a son," Remus pointed out.

Sirius finished his sentence anyway.

That night, the boys made their way to the office.

"Let's see if it worked," Sirius said, grinning.

There was no stain. The office was the same of usual, but now it reeked of cabbage and sulfur.

"Sit," Umbridge told them.

The boys remained standing.

"Or stand." Umbridge cleared her throat. "Hem, hem. I got your present yesterday."

"I'm glad. On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate our service?" Sirius asked her.

"Hem, hem. As punishment, you'll spend the next few days writing lines. And, Mr. Potter, you've been pulled from the Gryffindor Quidditch team."

James gave a shout of anger. "You can't do that! McGonagall is in charge of the team, you can't pull me out!"

"Minnie wouldn't give you permission to do that! James is still on the team!" Sirius protested.

"Actually, I can," Umbridge said, smiling sweetly. "Your individual lines are ready, as are the quills. Well? Get going."

Each of the lines were different, but they all caused an equal amount of pain.

One hour. Their hands were covered in blood.

Two hours. The only thing they could feel was the sharp etch of the quill and the sticky sensation of dripping blood.

Three hours. No feeling in their fingers.

When they finally left the office and got to the common room, the sleeves of their robes were damp with blood.

"What did you guys have to write? ' _I will not attack a teacher'_?" James asked the group darkly.

"' _I will not take part in a plot to attack a teacher,'_ " Peter replied, glancing at his bleeding hand.

"' _I will not speak about eggs,'_ " Sirius said.

"What?" Peter asked.

"My distraction was a long and sincere apology about why James' homework wasn't done. I mourned my loss of breakfast for a while," he explained.

"What about, you, Remus? What did she have you write?" James said, turning to Remus.

"Er, same. Abiding rules and stuff," Remus said quickly.

"Well, we can be hypocritical scar buddies," Peter offered, "Because James probably will get Umbridge back for this, I'll help him, Sirius will continue to talk about eggs, and Remus will probably break the rules a few more times."

The detentions ended on Friday.

"You're free to go," Umbridge told them that night.

The boys sprinted out of the office and back to the dormitories.

As Remus pulled at the dormitory door, James, Sirius, and Peter got a glimpse of what Umbridge had made him write. It had nothing to do with following rules.

Through the blood, they made out one word: 'Monster.'


	21. Secrets

That night, James tried to ask Remus about it.

"It's nothing," Remus said sharply. His voice quavered slightly, but that was the end of the discussion. No one pushed it.

Rather than worrying about schoolwork, the boys spent most of their time planning pranks, not only on Umbridge, but on the school.

By the middle of December, the boys had earned a total of fifty seven detentions. James had twenty, Sirius twenty-six, Peter had eleven, and Remus none.

"Your turn to plan something," Sirius told Remus.

"I can't, my mum's sick again," Remus said.

"When are you leaving?"

"After dinner."

"Ah."

James glanced at the clock. "Well, fifteen minutes plus dinner isn't much time to plan an elaborate prank."

Remus nodded.

"Er, I hope your mum gets better," Peter said.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks," Remus said distractedly.

After dinner, Remus left the boys in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Bye!" Peter called after him.

"He disappears a lot," Sirius noted.

"His mum's sick a lot," Peter pointed out.

"James' mum was sick last year and Dumbledore didn't let him skip."

"He also comes back from his mum's all bloodied up," James said quietly. "I met his parents at Kings Cross, they're too nice to do anything like that."

Sirius hesitated, then said even more quietly, "Do you get the feeling he isn't telling us something? Like something important?"

"Yeah, he's not a great liar," James said.

"I trust Remus-" Peter started.

"I trust him, too," James said. "And I also agree with Sirius."

Peter shifted uneasily. "Well, I guess-"

"Do you notice how he tenses up when we ask him what he does when he leaves?" Sirius asked. "I'm worried about him. Whatever he does, he comes back hurt from it and doesn't talk about it. That's not like him. I mean, last year he ranted for a week about that homework assignment from Binns."

"That was you," Peter told him.

"It was nine days of you complaining about how History of Magic is mandatory," James remembered.

"That's not the point. The point is, something is up with him and I'd like to figure out what," Sirius said.

"You know, it's really not our business, if he doesn't want to tell us, he doesn't have to," Peter said.

"Yeah," James decided, "but we're his friends, and friends are there for each other. How can we be there for him if we don't know how?"

Peter sighed. "Alright. How do we start?"


	22. The Holidays Begin

"We'll be starting a new unit after the holidays," Umbridge informed the class, "which means that we'll be having a short exam the last class before break."

Sirius groaned.

"Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Black?"

"Yes," Sirius said.

"And what would that be?"

"Well, Professor, you see, Peter stole my breakfast again today. Not only did he steal my eggs, but he stole my toast as well. My amazing, beautiful, perfectly cooked eggs and toast! Gone! I suspect Lily Evans is behind it. Anyway, I am deep in mourning for my murdered breakfast, and the funeral is going to be that same day, so-"

"Mr. Black, you will be attending the exam. You will also be attending a detention tonight," Umbridge said sweetly.

"But, Professor-"

"That's enough. Now, today we'll be reviewing what we read at the beginning of the year…."

The day before their holidays began, Peter, James, and Remus packed their things.

"You're staying here?" Peter asked Sirius.

"Yeah. Figured I'd try it," Sirius said casually.

"Well, Happy Christmas," James said.

"Happy Christmas."

"Make sure to get Minnie under the mistletoe!"

"That's not going to work," Remus stated blandly.

"Yes it will, Remus! This will be the time Minnie finally shows her affection towards me! She's just embarrassed!" Sirius insisted. "She's afraid you'll be jealous!"

"Sirius, she's a teacher."

"Yes, but she still loves me."

"Well, tell us how that goes. Happy Christmas."

"She loves me Remus, I know she does!"

"Bye."


	23. Courtesy of the Marauders

When the Christmas holidays finished, Remus, Peter, and James returned to an ecstatic Sirius. "Guess what happened!" he shouted when they entered the dorm.

"You found a new hair product?" Remus guessed.

"Snivellus was here over break, right? You got him to wash his hair?" James suggested.

"Yeah, Dumbledore introduced me to this new brand called Sleekeazy's," Sirius started.

James sat down and put his head in his hands. "I was hoping he wouldn't find that," he muttered under his breath.

"What? Is there something wrong with quality hair care?" Sirius asked.

Muffled through his fingers was James' reply. "My dad invented that."

"Really? James, your dad is brilliant. Well done to him, I approve. Wait- we should advertise this and get Hogwarts to care about their hair. It would make great business for-"

"What else happened over break?" James interrupted, putting his head up.

"Something even more amazing than hair products," Sirius said.

"Oh! I know," Peter exclaimed, "You kissed Minnie!"

"Yes! See, Remus, I told you! I knew she loved me!"

Remus sighed. "How'd you manage that?"

"Right, so, we were at Christmas Dinner. Minnie was standing talking to Miles and some other fifth year, and I was standing in the opposite corner, under some mistletoe. Dumbledore went up to Minnie and said, 'Minerva, Mr. Black is looking a bit lonesome over there. Would you go talk to him? There's something I want to discuss with Mr. Lewis.' Minnie sighed, then she came over. The I said, 'Happy Christmas, Minnie,' and I pecked her on the cheek. Of course, Minnie _is_ a teacher, and she has to keep appearances up, so she said, 'Mr. Black, that is not appropriate behavior for school,' but she was blushing. Minnie was blushing! And to make it better, Dumbledore winked at me. When Minnie left, he came up to me and muttered, ' _50 points to Gryffindor_. Mr. Black, that was beautiful. If you and Minerva work, than James and Lily have a chance.' Then he introduced me to Sleekeazy's," Sirius finished. "It was amazing."

"Dumbledore shouldn't have given you those points," Remus said, though he was grinning.

"Dumbledore ships Lames!" Peter said happily.

James sighed blissfully. "I knew there was hope!"

"So, what about you guys? How were your holidays?" Sirius asked.

"Good- we spent it at home, really just hung out, but we did go to the muggle movies," Peter said.

"I just hung out with the family," Remus said.

James nodded. "Same."

"Well, now that we're back," Sirius announced, "we need to plan a welcome back prank for the rest of the school."

"Agreed," Peter grinned, "with a special one for Umbridge."

"So, what's the plan?"

"You guys know how Umbridge drinks tons of tea? Like, how she has it in her office all the time?" Peter asked.

"Course. Bloody toad sips it every time I'm stuck in detention," said James.

"We could enchant some teacups, and put them in her office."

"Brilliant!"

"We should charm them to follow her around and talk in class," Sirius said.

"There's no way that we're doing that," Remus said, looking at the others.

"Come on, it'll be harmless, and hilarious!"

"We're not enchanting a tea set to follow Umbridge around." Remus smirked. "It wouldn't be fair to our talents to do something that simple. However, there is a charm that will make it stick to her lips when she drinks out of it."

"Remus Lupin, you are a public menace," Sirius told him. "It's a wonder that you haven't conquered Hogwarts. What's the spell?"

Half a week later, they were ready. The teacups were enchanted, placed in a small gift box, and ready to be delivered.

"Okay, let's put these in there," James said.

"Alright, let's go," Peter said eagerly.

The boys slipped through the halls with the package hidden under Peter's books. Up a flight of stairs, down a corridor…. They were oblivious to McGonagall, who chose that moment to turn onto their corridor.

Peter ran headlong into McGonagall, dropping the package and books.

"Mr. Pettigrew!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"Sorry, Professor. Wasn't looking where I was going," Peter apologized.

McGonagall caught sight of the box.

"Ah, Minnie! How are you?" Sirius said suddenly, stepping in front of the box.

"What are you Marauders up to now?" McGonagall asked them, ignoring Sirius. She eyed the group suspiciously.

"Nothing at all, Minnie, dear," Sirius said cheerfully. "But we've got to get to class, so-"

"It's a Saturday, Mr. Black."

"What he means, is we've got a studying club, in the library," Remus covered, "but we just had to drop this off at the hospital wing."

McGonagall gave them a long look before nodding. "Alright, Mr. Lupin. I'll take your word for it. And, Mr. Black, please check the day of the week. I don't want you thinking Monday is the weekend and missing your retake in Transfiguration."

Sirius sighed. "I won't miss it."

They hurried down the hall. McGonagall watched them go.

"We need a quill and parchment," Sirius said when they entered the office.

"A quill and parchment? Why? I thought we were just dropping off the package," Remus said.

"Umbridge won't know who it's from," Sirius said, rushing to the desk. He began to rummage in the drawers.

"Isn't that the point?" Peter asked.

"Aha! Here's some." Sirius pulled out a piece of parchment and grabbed a quill off the desk.

When he had finished writing, he tossed the note on the package.

"' _This gift is courtesy of the Marauders,_ '" James read.

"It's our new team name," Sirius said.

"Because it came from Minnie?" Remus asked.

"Well, that, and the fact that we're lacking a name."

"Brilliant," Peter said.

"Come on, we've got to go before she finds us," James urged.

"Alright. Back to the Common Room?" Sirius asked, closing the desk drawer.

"No, we should go to the library. That's where we told McGonagall we would be. It'll cover our tracks if she can say we were in the library when it happened," Remus pointed out.

"Come on, Remus, I don't want to do my homework, that essay on shrinking potions-"

"Do you want to get caught or not?"

"I'll get caught either way; I'm the troublemaker. You're the good one, you won't."

"It's not that I'm the good one, it's just that I'm smart enough not to get caught. You always complain about that, yet the one time I offer-"

"Okay, let's go! Homework in the library," James interrupted.

"Fine," Sirius grumbled, "but I'm not doing that bloody essay."


	24. The Aftermath

Monday Defense Against the Dark Arts classes were cancelled. No one knew why except for the Marauders.

"It worked!" Peter exclaimed, throwing himself into one of the Common Room's plush chairs.

"She deserved that," James agreed.

"That was a brilliant idea, Peter," Remus said, broadly grinning.

"An entire hour of nothing!" Sirius sighed.

"Not nothing," Remus said, "because you still have that potions essay."

"You just had to remind me," muttered Sirius.

"You're welcome."

After half an hour of Sirius cussing and complaining, the essay was finished.

"We've still got half an hour before lunch," James said.

"Shall we plot another plot?" Sirius asked.

"What sort of plot?" Remus inquired.

"A diabolical plot."

"That doesn't sound like a good idea."

"Come on! No one knows about the Marauders! We have to create a reputation-"

"The news will get out, your note will make sure of that," Peter said.

And the news did. A week later, when D.A.D.A classes resumed, Umbridge spoke with the class.

Her mouth was slightly swollen and an ugly, inflamed pink color. A small scar ran from the middle to right edge of her top lips. She was livid with suppressed anger.

"I was given a… a gift… that caused me to cancel classes. The gift was ' _courtesy of the Marauders_.' Is there anything anyone would like to say?" Her eyes rested on the two desks the boys sat at.

There were quick glances around the room, but the class was silent.

"Very well," Umbridge said, forcing cheerfulness. "But I'll find out who did this. Your silence fools no one. Someone in this room did this, and I will find out who. Mark my words."

The lesson continued in silence, but when they were dismissed, the class erupted in chatter.

"Whichever bloke did that was bloody brilliant," a girl by the name of Marlene said.

"Whoever did that is going to be in so much trouble," whispered another girl.

"Wonder what they did to her."

"Glad I didn't do it, Umbridge looked murderous."

"Who the heck are the Marauders?"

With barely contained smirks, the Marauders left the class.

"It was you guys, wasn't it," a voice said behind them.

The boys turned.

"Who else would it be?" James asked.

"She know it's you, she was staring at you for the whole class," Lily said.

"Don't turn us in," Peter said.

Lily laughed. "Until Umbridge is gone, you're in the clear. After, you're going to be in a whole world of trouble."

Sirius grinned. "Can't wait."

Lily gave him a look. "Do you _like_ being in detention?"

"Course, who doesn't?"

Lily made to answer when the entered the Great Hall. "Actually- oh whatever. I'm getting some lunch." She left them standing in the entryway as she left for the Gryffindor table.

"Lunch sounds like a great idea," Remus said.

"I'm afraid Lunch will have to wait, Mr. Lupin," Umbridge said.

They whirled around.

"I have some questions for you, if you'd come to my office," she continued.

"We'd love to, but this really isn't the time," Sirius started.

"I wasn't asking, Mr. Black."

"Alright," James said.

Umbridge briskly led them to her office. A large pot of tea sat on the desk, around which were stationed chairs. Before each chair was an enchanted teacup.

"Have some tea," she instructed. "There's sugar and milk on the desk."

"Er, Professor?" Peter said quietly, "I don't drink tea."

"Actually, none of us drink tea," Sirius added.

"You're all English, right?" Umbridge sweetly inquired.

"Yeah," James said.

"Well, what sort of englishman doesn't drink tea?"

"Many people, in fact, and we're a few of that many," Sirius said.

"Humor me, Mr. Black."

Sirius' lip twitched. "You see, Professor, I can't. Humor isn't part of my personality. I'm rather serious, actually.

It was enough to make the others drop their intent expressions. Remus snorted, Peter chuckled, and James had to clasp a hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter.

"You use that one way too much," James told him.

Umbridge ignored the comment and laughter. "Drink the tea."

With the ghost of a grin on his face, Remus grabbed a teacup and took a sip.

"Remus, don't!" Peter warned.

"Why ever not?" Umbridge said. "Surely you don't know something about these teacups."

"No-" Peter paused. He had given them away.

"Remus, the pact! What about the pact? You haven't forgotten about our pact have you?" Sirius exclaimed.

"The pact?" Umbridge prompted, beginning to smile triumphantly.

"We're not supposed to drink tea," Sirius explained.

Remus made to put the cup down, but it stuck to his lips. Without a word, he left the office.

"Oi! Remus!" Peter shouted.

"See? It messes with his brain, makes it go strange, the poor bloke. We should go get him," James said, and they left the office.

"I did not dismiss you!" Umbridge called after them, but they did not reply.

"What the bloody hell did you think you were doing?" Sirius demanded angrily. "You are not a tea addict, and you shouldn't be letting yourself get hurt like that! Consider the consequences! What if that's stuck to your lip for all of eternity?"

"We need to find Madame Pomfrey," said James.

"Stair cases are just up another flight," grumbled Sirius.

After a few days in the hospital wing, Remus was free of the teacup.

"Why did you do that?" Peter asked him.

"If I went to Madame Pomfrey and showed her the damage, that wouldn't be good, she knows that Umbridge was in earlier. But, when you told her Umbridge gave her the cup, that puts Umbridge at fault. We weren't getting anywhere in her office, so that diverted the blame from us, and it also is going on her record," Remus explained.

James grinned. "Brilliant."

"So what'd I miss while I was out? You didn't bring any homework up."

"Er, about that-"

"Two essays, five chapter summaries, four- no five chapters, and you need to practice _ferula_ ," Sirius listed.

"I was sitting in bed for days! I could have gotten those chapters done!" he complained.

"Well, no homework in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey's orders," Peter said.

Remus sighed. "And we still have lessons for the next two days."

"Yeah, but Minnie's not assigning you anything for Transfiguration. She also got Flitwick to lay off on you, mostly. We started _episkey_ the other day, but he'll catch you up on that when you're on top of all of this," James said.

"History of Magic's mostly just lecturing, so you'll be able to work during that," Sirius told him, "James, Peter, and I can take notes."

"You always fall asleep in that class."

"Well, Hogwarts also has a library."

"Yes, but-"

Peter interrupted them. "Charms starts in twenty, and we still have to get breakfast."

"Alright," James said, "To breakfast we go."


	25. A Past and A Plot

After breakfast, classes began. Flitwick caught Remus up fairly quickly, taking one more piece of homework off his list. In Transfiguration, McGonagall had a review planned. Defense Against the Dark Arts was a different story.

"Ah, Mr. Lupin. I've been wanting to speak with you," Umbridge said when the boys entered her room.

"Yes, Professor?"

"You realize that you have four missing assignments from this class?"

Remus made to answer. "I'm sorry, I was in the Hos-"

"Well, then you'll see why I'll have to give you detention tonight and tomorrow," she said sweetly.

"Look, Professor, he was out. Give him a day to catch up," James protested.

"That is no excuse for missing assignments," Umbridge said, turning to James.

"You had him drink out of an enchanted cup! Isn't that enough punishment?" Sirius said venomously.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black. It sounds like I misheard you. You didn't just suggest that I would purposely harm a student?" Umbridge asked.

"I didn't suggest it, I stated it," he spat. "For detentions, you make people write with their own blood, when you could have them do any number of other things. You taped Amos Diggory's hand to his desk because he wrote with his left hand. You revel in pain. Don't you dare deny it."

"And what makes you think that I, as you so eloquently put it, ' _revel in pain'_?"

Sirius hesitated for a moment, then face hardened like stone. "My mum. Whenever I do something wrong, she punishes me. If I do something other than toe the line, you know what she does? She takes out her wand, and I'm hanging from my ankle for hours. Or bound to the floor while she whips me with my father's belt. She- she used the cruciatus curse on me once. And you know what she did while she did it? She laughed. She straight up laughed. You may not laugh, Professor, but you have the same, crazed, smug look in your eyes as she does."

"A firm hand is the best way to teach," Umbridge said. "Your mother is right. _I_ am right."

"Or you are both wrong," Sirius whispered. Face reddening, he turned on his heel and left the classroom.

"Sirius!" Peter called after him.

Sirius did not look back. Peter ran after him.

"James, don't," Remus warned under his breath.

James paid no heed. " _Stupe-_ "

"James!" Remus had thrust down James' wand. "Come on."

With a piercing glare at Umbridge, the two of them made for the door.

"Trying to win my favor, Mr. Lupin?" Umbridge asked. "A monster can't be tamed, you know."

"Go to hell," Remus told her, voice shaking slightly. They proceeded to walk out the door, James livid.

"That bloody git. I'm going to kill her, her and Sirius' mum. Especially his mum. She used the cruciatus curse on him! That's inhumane! And Umbridge approves! And she tried to give you detention because of something she did! You're right, to hell with her. What is she playing at?" he ranted. "The next time I see her, I'm going to hex her into the next century. Same with Mrs. Black. The cruciatus curse!"

He continued in this fashion as they marched up to Gryffindor Tower. Inside the dormitories, Peter and Sirius sat on Sirius' bed.

"-downright terrible, but you've got to keep pushing through," Peter was saying.

"Yeah, well pushing through is getting pretty hard. Have you ever had to deal with that?" Sirius said angrily.

"If it makes you feel any better, James tried to hex Umbridge," Remus said quietly.

Sirius turned. His face was an angry red, though not damp with tears. It was resigned and pained.

"Well, then you care for me more than my own mother," he said darkly.

"She used that curse on you?" James said. "You should have told us."

"It's not an easy thing to say," Sirius whispered. "To know that your parents hate you like that is one thing. To say it is another."

"There's a reason you're in Gryffindor," Remus told him, "You're right, acknowledging something like that takes courage. The fact that you're able to acknowledge that and keep moving forward is really brave. Not… not everyone can do that."

Sirius nodded and took a breath. "Thanks. I think I needed that," he said. Then, he forced the issue off the table. With fake cheerfulness, he continued, "Now, let's just forget about that. I'm not going back to D.A.D.A. This leaves one option: We have a prank to plan. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Are you sure you don't want to…." Remus started awkwardly.

"No," Sirius said, and that was the end of it. "Any guesses?"

"Umbridge again?" James guessed.

"In the most devious way possible," said Sirius.

"What are we going to do? We already did the teacups," said Peter.

"We do nothing," Sirius explained.

"What?" Peter asked.

Remus gave up a tiny smirk. "Brilliant."

"What?" Peter insisted.

"Umbridge knows that we're going to get back on her, right?" Sirius said, beginning to grin.

Remus added, "So if we trick her into thinking we're planning something, she'll be paranoid."

"I've got to say, I do want to see that," James said.

"Let's do it. Starting tomorrow?" Peter said.

"Tomorrow?" Remus asked. "I think some suspicious conversation is needed at lunch."

"And at dinner," Sirius reminded them. "We've got to be suspicious as possible."

"Oh! After dinner we should pretend to sneak around the grounds and castle!" Peter said, getting excited.

Remus tensed. "Well, there's curfew-"

"We were part of multiple plots to fire a teacher and you're worried about curfew," Sirius said dryly.

"Curfew is a very serious thing!"

"It's really not, you see, I break rules more than I abide them."

"That's one of the worst you ever told," James complained.

"Oh, come on!" Sirius whined, "I work hard to come up with these!"

"It doesn't pay off too well," Remus noted.

At lunch, their conversations were all whispered, with many smirks up at the head table. They made sure to whisper more hurriedly after Umbridge passed them.

"-explosions, definitely," James was saying.

"With fireworks," Sirius made sure to add. "Large blue ones."

"That goes without saying," Peter told them.

"Definitely," Remus agreed.

To their great satisfaction, Umbridge glanced over her shoulder twice before they left for their next class.

They may have been quite caught up in their plans, but that didn't stop them from being rude to Snape in Potions.

"I heard someone gave Umbridge a gift the other day," Snape drawled. "I don't suppose you know who it was from."

"No, do you?" James asked casually.

"Heard they found grease marks on the glasses," Sirius said. He looked at Snape, smiling smugly at Snape's thin, greasy hair.

"Wonder who those would belong to?" James said, glancing at his book. "Half a earthworm, here you do that, Sirius."

With a flourish, Sirius cut the worm neatly in half with his knife and tossed the front half into their cauldron.

"The grease marks are probably from some scoundrel with terrible hair," Snape continued.

"Well," James said, pretending to ponder it for a moment, "there is someone who fits that description."

"Greasy, terrible hair, terrible hygiene, and a scoundrel," Sirius said.

"Yeah, that does remind me of someone."

"Perhaps it's a someone by the name of Snivellus?" Sirius suggested.

"That's exactly was I was thinking," James said in mock surprise, then turned to Snape. "You wouldn't happen to know a poor bloke by description, would you?"

"I'm looking right at him," Snape hissed.

Before Sirius or James could answer, Slughorn came to their corner of the room.

"Ah, Mr. Black," he said cheerfully. "I wonder if you could tell me how your Strengthening Solution turned this electric purple. I do believe that it's supposed to be a navy blue."


	26. Realizations

When the day's classes were over, James, Sirius, and Peter began plotting their tour of the grounds. Remus, however, decided not to join them.

"I've got to get a book from the library. I'll be back later," he informed them.

"Alright," James said, shrugging.

"See you later," Peter told him.

Once Remus had left, Sirius began to talk.

"I don't care what Remus says about curfews, we're doing this," he decided.

"Okay, but _what_ are we doing?" Peter asked impatiently.

James shrugged. "I say we stroll past D.A.D.A and Umbridge's office. Then we can step outside."

"Yeah, but what's she going to do to us?" Peter said anxiously.

"She can't do anything as long as we aren't breaking rules in front of her face," Sirius said.

Peter agreed somewhat hesitantly, and then they charted their walk.

They had just gotten out of the castle to begin their route when the sky began to dim. The sun sank below the horizon. Slowly, the stars revealed themselves.

To pass the time as they walked, they quietly whispered among themselves. Their conversations ranged from gossip to essays to Quidditch.

As they conversed, the moon rose high into the sky. Full and a sterling silver, it bathed the party in its light.

The boys paid little heed to it; It was simply a source of light so that they wouldn't run into something, like the Whomping Willow.

As they passed this particular tree, Sirius changed the conversation.

"I wonder what would happen if we hit the tree back," he said.

"Hit… the Whomping Willow?" Peter asked him cautiously.

"Yeah, give it a taste of its own medicine," Sirius said, looking intently at the tree.

"That's a terrible idea," James said flatly.

"Maybe it would stop hitting people," Sirius offered. "I'm sure trees have feelings, too."

"You're mad," Peter said, looking at the tree. "Why would you want to hit that?"

"I told you, it might stop hitting people," Sirius said. "Do you think that I can't?"

"It would probably kill you," Peter told him.

Sirius protested, "It will not!"

"Well, before you prove that theory, we should head back to the tower. Remus is probably back by now," James said.

They quickly finished their route. To their dismay, there was no sign of Umbridge, but they could find some other way to increase her paranoia.

Remus was not in Gryffindor Tower as they had expected. Reasoning that he was still in the library, they changed out of their robes and settled into their four poster beds.

"'Night, mates," James mumbled sleepily.

Sirius replied in kind. "'Night."

There was no response from Peter. He was already fast asleep.

When Remus still had not returned the next morning, they begin to worry.

"He's never at the library that late. He wouldn't risk breaking curfew," James said anxiously.

"He must have gotten in trouble with someone, why else would he not come back?" Sirius asked, poking his head out of the dorm.

"Any sign of him?" Peter asked.

"None," Sirius said grimly.

"We should check the Hospital Wing. If he's not here or the library, he's sometimes there," Peter suggested.

"Alright, grab your books, we won't be able to make it to breakfast. We can't walk halfway across the school, eat breakfast, and get to class on time," James said.

They grabbed their books and scurried up to the Hospital Wing.

Madame Pomfrey opened the large oaken doors when they knocked.

"Is Remus here?" Sirius asked her.

"He went down to the library last night, but we haven't seen him since," James said.

Madame Pomfrey chose her words carefully. "Mr. Lupin is here, but he's recovering."

"Recovering?" Peter said, startled. "What happened?"

"Is he okay?" Sirius asked.

"He got the bad end of a jinx, but he'll live," Madame Pomfrey assured them. "Now, I need to get back to-"

"Can we see him?" James inquired, his brow creasing with worry.

"Mr. Lupin needs his rest," she said forcefully.

"Please, Madame Pomfrey?" James asked.

"We're his friends, we want to make sure he's alright," Peter said.

"Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, I have to insist that you leave," said Madame Pomfrey.

"Just a minute," Sirius pleaded.

She hesitated before closing the door. "I'll see if he's awake," she said finally.

The boys waited for no more than a minute before Madame Pomfrey returned.

"You have a three minutes," she told them.

They nodded and hurried into the Hospital Wing.

Remus laid in the farthest bed, propped up on his pillow. There was a bandaid on the bridge of his nose, and his left arm was bandaged with gause. Through the gause, you could see traces of blood.

"Remus! Are you okay?" Peter asked hurriedly.

Remus tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace. "Fine. Just ran into a sixth year Ravenclaw who wanted to practice a few choice jinxes on me."

"What'd they do?" Sirius noted, "You look like you tried to fight the giant squid."

"You never know, maybe he did," James said jokingly.

That time, Remus really did smile.

"I don't suppose you'll make it to class," Sirius said.

"No, I'm stuck here," Remus said unhappily, then added, "You guys'll take notes for me, right?"

"'Course," Peter tod him.

Sirius started to talk again. "Is there-"

"Your three minutes are up," Madame Pomfrey informed them. "Now, I need to finish taking care of Mr. Lupin."

"Bye," James told him.

"Take extra notes in Transfiguration!" Remus called after them.

"What did that sixth year do to him?" Sirius asked as they rushed to Charms.

"No idea- how do you jinx someone that badly?" Peter asked.

"That didn't look like a jinx. More like a hex," James pointed out.

"Is there really a difference?" Sirius muttered.

"Yes, Flitwick's gone over this tons," James said.

"Well, I don't care as long as it's not on our end of the year exams," Peter said.

Class was just starting as they bolted into the Charms room.

"Just in time, boys. We're dividing into pairs to practice _Flipendo_ ," Flitwick informed them.

When Charms was over, they went to Transfiguration. Peter made sure to take extra notes, snapping the tip of his quill in the process.

"Come on," he grumbled. "That was my best one!"

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, Umbridge passed out books.

"For the next few weeks, we will be using these books. However, they will stay inside this classroom at all times. Please read and take notes on the first chapter. If you finish that, start on the second. There will be no need to talk," Umbridge informed them, her voice like honey.

The book, _On Dark Creatures and Magical Beasts_ , was by far the longest textbook the boys had ever seen. It was leather bound and stained with a suspicious looking red, which was assumed to be dried blood.

James and Sirius shared a look. Peter pulled out a piece of parchment, hesitantly opened his copy, and began to try and take notes with his broken quill.

"Hem, hem," Umbridge coughed behind James. "I believe you have work to do."

James and Sirius smirked at her, but went to their note taking.

"Why were you smirking?" Peter whispered when Umbridge was on the other side of the room.

"We're making her paranoid. It's all part of the act," Sirius said. Then he turned his attention back to the book.

The first chapter was on vampires; He finished it quickly, glancing up at the clock when he finished his notes.

There were still twenty more minutes left of class, so he started on the next chapter.

Chapter Two was titled _The Werewolf_. Sirius sighed, and decided that he'd prefer to watch the clock.

Umbridge was back by the group. She glanced at James and Peter's books, who were respectively on pages four and seven. Then she looked to Sirius' book. He wasn't reading.

"Mr. Black, I believe that I told you once you finish the first chapter to continue to the second," Umbridge said.

"I know this stuff, Professor," he said. "Maybe you should have an alternate task."

"Ten points from Gryffindor. If you don't start reading, it will be one hundred," she said scathingly. Umbridge turned to walk away.

"One hundred whole points for not reading," Sirius muttered. "Git."

"Detention tonight, Mr. Black," she said, not looking back.

Without any choice, Sirius began to read the passage.

 _The Werewolf is a foul beast that terrorizes wizards and muggles alike. They appear as normal humans for most of the year. Only on the full moon are they recognizable. They shed their disguises and turn into the monsters they truly are, bearing characteristics similar to a wolf, but with a taste for human flesh._

Sirius continued to read boredly, glancing up at the clock ever so often.

 _A werewolf can be distinguished in its human form in a few ways. The first being cautious with any and all silver; Silver is deadly to werewolves. The second, is their disappearance on full moons. The third, directly after a full moon, they are often fatigued and tired._

The craziest thought flashed through his head. Sirius tapped James on the shoulder and pointed to the paragraph. As James read it, he looked quizzically at Sirius, then his eyes widened in understanding. Sirius then passed the book to Peter.

"That's what you think?" James asked him after class was out.

"There's only one way to know," Sirius said. "I have it all written down. All the days he's disappeared since October or November, when I got suspicious."

Rather than going to lunch, the three ran up to Gryffindor Tower and rushed into their dormitory.

"Hey, Peter, can you go through my trunk? It should be at the bottom," Sirius said.

"Yeah," Peter said.

"James, where's that lunar calendar we had to do for Astronomy a while ago? I know it's here somewhere…."

"Under my bed, I stuff all my work under there," James said, laying down to fish out his papers.

"Here it is," Peter said, pulling the list out of Sirius's trunk.

"Right, here's the calendar- no that's a star chart, hold on," James said, continuing to pull papers from beneath the bad. "Wait, this is it."

The boys compared the dates on the paper and calendar. They looked at each other in disbelief.

Finally, Peter broke their silence. "Remus is a werewolf."


	27. The Remainder of the Day

"That's where he goes every month, when he says that he visits his mum and whatnot," Sirius said, talking faster and faster until he was practically throwing the words from his mouth. "That's where he gets all the scratches, why he spends so much time in the Hospital Wing!"

A memory resurfaced in James' mind. "After you ran out on Umbridge the other day, right after Remus stopped me from hexing her, Umbridge said something like, 'Trying to win my favor, Mr. Lupin? You can't tame a monster,'" he remembered.

"His hand," Peter said. "When we pulled that one prank."

"' _Monster_ ,'" Sirius breathed, looking up at his friends. "That's what she made him write."

There was a minute of silence as the pieces fell together. This was no conspiracy theory, this was reality.

"Why didn't he tell us?" Peter asked quietly.

James replied even quieter, "Wizards look down on so called 'half-breeds.' I bet he thought…."

"He thought that we'd go public," Sirius finished. "Get him kicked out."

Peter paled. "He thought we would do that?"

"I probably would, too, if I was in his situation," James said.

"We have to tell him that we won't," Sirius decided.

"Yeah. That conversation is going to go real well," James said sarcastically.

"Well, we owe him that," said Sirius, "He's going to figure out we know at some point, and I think it would be better for him to hear it from us instead of thinking up worst case scenarios."

"How are we going to tell him?" Peter said.

"Up here, where no one will over here. Once he gets back," Sirius said.

"Are we betting tomorrow?" James asked.

"Probably. He's usually gone for only two or three days," Peter said.

Again, they lapsed into silence.

"If we want any lunch, we should head down," James said finally.

"Alright," Peter agreed, though for once he didn't seem too excited to eat.

Their minds strayed from lessons for the rest of the day. None could focus, the reality was sinking in. After History of Magic, they skipped their homework to go to the library, where they immersed themselves in books about werewolves. They had to understand.

They only left the tomes for a quick dinner, then it was back to the library.

The information varied greatly. Some books depicted them as malicious beasts, others misunderstood creatures. None of the volumes depicted them as human.

"Oh, it's hopeless, we're never going to figure out the truth!" Peter said angrily. "This one says that they have control when they transform! The last one said they didn't!"

"We can just ask Remus when we talk to him," James reasoned, though he, too, was frustrated.

"Minnie might know, she does Transfiguration," Sirius halfheartedly suggested.

"Come on, it's late," James said. "We should sleep. Let's figure it out tomorrow. This isn't helping."

Reluctantly, they put the books back and trudged back to their dormitory.

"Some of the stuff in those books," Sirius said slowly, "it was awful. If Remus has been going through that every month…." He finished buttoning his pajamas.

"I hope it's fake," James said.

They crawled into their beds and fell asleep, thoughts swirling in their heads like snow in a blizzard.

The next morning, the three boys were anxious. Peter had no breakfast. Sirius didn't stop to say good morning to 'Minnie.' James obsessively drummed his fingers on his desk.

What if they screwed this up?

What if someone overheard?

What if Remus had to leave Hogwarts?

No, they wouldn't mess it up. They couldn't. Nevertheless, after classes, they waited in the Common Room, waiting for Remus to appear. It was nearly midnight when he slipped into Gryffindor Tower.

"I thought you'd be asleep," Remus said, surprised to see them up that late.

"We- we figured we'd wait for you," Peter said.

"Er, thanks," Remus said awkwardly, "but you didn't have to. We've got class tomorrow."

"Not a problem," Sirius said.

"Okay…." Remus headed for the dormitories. "Well, I'm going to get to bed, it's been a long week."

"Alright," James said. "But first, can we talk?"


	28. Inside An Office

They were at a loss for how to start. James drummed his fingers. Peter's eyes nervously darted around the room. Sirius found the floor a very interesting specimen.

Remus, too, was nervous. This was not at all like his friends.

"You said you wanted to talk?" Remus prompted timidly.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, so…." James trailed off.

"You disappear a lot," Peter blurted, "and you always come back with scratches and whatnot. We were worried."

The color began to drain out of Remus' face.

"We copied the days that you left," James said guiltily.

"Look, there's no good way to say this, but we know you're a werewolf," Sirius said.

Whatever color was left in his face vanished. His breathing turned shallow. "I- I should go," Remus said suddenly. He jumped up from his bed and hurriedly left the dorm.

"Remus, wait!" James shouted. There was no reply. "We have to follow him."

"Library," Peter said instantly.

"Let's go," James said.

"It's all my fault, I shouldn't have said it like that," Sirius whispered angrily and they made their way to the library.

"You were right, there wasn't a good way to say it," James said, peeking around a corner. "No one, it's all clear."

"He's right, don't blame yourself," Peter said sympathetically.

They walked in silence for the rest of the way.

The library appeared to be empty at first glance.

"We should split up," Peter suggested.

"I'll go left," Sirius offered.

"Right," James said.

"I'll take the back, then."

The three began their search. It was hard to see in the darkness, but their eyes adjusted.

Peter had little luck. The back was empty but for the shelves of books that towered above him.

James didn't find him either. The right side of the library was quite similar to the back, only with the temptation of the Restricted Section.

Sirius had given up hope. The library was dark and there was no sign of Remus.

A quarter of an hour later, the library had been searched. They met back up at the entrance. None had had any luck.

"What do we do now?" Peter asked helplessly.

"Minnie," said Sirius, "She might be able to help us, right after she docks a few points."

"She'll give us detentions for breaking curfew," said Peter.

"What's more important- finding Remus or staying out of detention? And anyway, we're in it every week, what's another hour?" James argued.

"Her office is only a few flights up, it won't take long. She also stays up really late grading at stuff, so she'll be up," Sirius assured them.

They ran to McGonagall's office, expecting her to be up grading papers or just settling into bed. They did not expect to hear voices.

"I have to leave, don't I?" Remus said behind the door.

McGonagall answered, "If they tell anyone, then yes. That's probably what will happen."

His voice broke and became quite small. "I tried really hard, Professor, I promise. I swear I did. Maybe I shouldn't have come in the first place..."

"Nonsense! You are one of the best students here!" McGonagall protested.

"Being a good student doesn't mean I'm not a monster, though."

James, Sirius, and Peter chose that moment to barge in.

Remus's face was red and his eyes were wet, as though on the verge of tears. He took a step back when he saw who it was.

McGonagall blinked twice, then she seemed to realize what had happened. "Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew! You cannot just barge into ones' office, much less after hours!"

"Before you give us detentions and send us back to our Common Room, could we have a minute with Remus?" James asked.

McGonagall sighed. "I assume that's why you're breaking curfew."

"Yeah, we were looking for him," Peter said.

"In that case, I'll step outside," McGonagall said. "I'm sure you have a lot to discuss."

"Thanks, Minnie!" Sirius called after her.

McGonagall shook her head as she walked out the door and into the hallway.

They were silent for a minute.

"We didn't finish earlier, you know," James said finally.

"What? Come to tell me I'm a monster?" Remus asked, looking away from them.

"No," Peter said.

"You didn't tell us because you thought we'd go public," Sirius said.

"I didn't tell you, because you would hate me," Remus said.

"We don't hate you," James told him.

"How could you not? Everyone hates… everyone hates werewolves. Why would you think any differently?"

"Because we're your friends," Sirius said forcefully, "and we know you. You aren't like the rest of them. You are _not_ a monster."

"Everyone else left because of what I am," Remus started, "and-"

"Well, we aren't leaving!" Sirius said, a little more loudly. "We are your friends, and we are going to stick by you, no matter what."

James agreed, "It's going to take more than that to get us to leave."

"Really?" Remus asked weakly.

"Yeah," Peter said.

"How do I know you aren't just getting my hopes up?"

"Because we broke curfew to look for you. We spent the whole day in the library trying to find actual information on werewolves rather than that biased trash Umbridge made us read. We broke into the library half an hour ago because we thought you were there," James listed.

"The other day, in D.A.D.A, when Umbridge gave everyone a hard time, you had more reason to be upset than anyone, but you came back to help me. You're here for us, it's time for us to do the same to you," Sirius finished.

"Seriously?" Remus asked, disbelieving.

Rather than answering, the boys wrapped him into a hug.

"We'll be here for you, no matter what," James assured him.

Remus allowed himself a smile through the tears.


	29. Snakes

McGonagall came back into the office a few minutes later.

"Right. Well, we'll just go back to our dormitory," Sirius said, "Good night, Minnie."

"We aren't finished. We need to discuss a few things first," she said, blocking the door.

Sirius crossed his arms but didn't move forward. "Yes, Minnie?"

"First and foremost," McGonagall said, "you will not tell anyone of what you have learned." She was more stern then they had ever seen her.

Peter cowered slightly, but nodded with the others.

"And secondly, you are out after hours. I cannot let that go unpunished. Twenty points each, Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Lupin, for breaking curfew."

James stifled a groan.

"However, I did hear what the three of you said to Mr. Lupin. Thirty points each for your loyalty. That is something many students lack," McGonagall said, almost proudly. Her lips twitched upwards, almost into a smile.

The boys gaped at her.

"Well? Off to bed, all of you! It's late, and there's class tomorrow!"

"Did Minnie just _smile_?" James asked, astonished.

"I think so," Sirius said.

They walked in silence back to Gryffindor Tower.

"Pixie Dust," Peter said, and the portrait opened.

Once inside the dormitories, the boys collapsed on their beds. No one bothered to change out of their robes.

The Marauders were late to classes the next morning.

"That's the seventh time you've been late this year," Flitwick noted as they walked in.

"Sorry, Professor. We accidentally overslept," Peter said.

"I hope that's the case," Flitwick said, looking dubious. "Last time you said that, the Slytherin Common Room was covered in flamingo feathers."

"Brilliant. Thanks, Professor," Sirius said.

"What are you thinking?" James whispered.

"You know those cat plates Umbridge keeps in her office?"

"Yeah."

"What if we transfigured the cats into other animals?"

"I like how you think," Peter said, beginning to grin.

"Remus, any thoughts?"

"Umbridge will know it's us of we do it, but if we turn all the cats into snakes, if any other teachers look at it, they'll either decide Slytherin did it, or they'll assume it was a set up," Remus said cautiously. "If McGonagall looks at it, she'll probably go with the first one."

"How much are we betting Umbridge is afraid of snakes?" Sirius challenged.

"Two galleons that she is," James said.

"You're on," Sirius said, grinning.

"During lunch?"

"Perfect."

"Do you want Remus and I to sneak you food during Potions?" Peter offered.

Remus quickly shook his head. "That's too dangerous. What if something get covered in Bulbadox Powder? If you want something, we can get it to you during History of Magic."

"Brilliant. History of Magic works. If I may request a roll and a chicken leg…." Sirius glanced at the chalkboard and groaned. "Summoning. I hate that bloody charm."

After Defense Against the Dark Arts, James and Sirius snuck off to Umbridge's office. Fortunately, she wasn't there.

"What kind of snakes?" James muttered once they were inside.

"I dunno, big scaly ones? Like a python," Sirius suggested.

They pulled out their wands and began.

The work was tedious; They hadn't learned as much about transfiguration as they wished they had. One snake still had ears, another fur instead of scales. It took the whole of lunch to finish the office.

"For the finishing touch," Sirius said, smirking. "Can you use _Accio_? I'm rubbish at that one."

James grinned, then said, " _Accio snake._ "

It appeared as though nothing had happened, then-

There was a crash as the window broke, something large had hit it with great force.

Sirius whistled appreciatively. "Nice one, James."

The large something was a eight foot, writhing snake, complete with mossy green scales and black, beady eyes. It hissed as it rose to full height, turning to face the boys.

" _Reparo,_ " Sirius said, and the window mended itself.

The snake began to slither towards him.

"Come on," James said, and they left the office, closing the door behind them.

When James and Sirius got to History of Magic, they were starving.

"Thanks, mate," James said when passed a sandwich and flask of pumpkin juice.

" _Chicken_ ," Sirius said, taking a large bite out of the leg. "Mmmm, great seasoning."

"How did it go?" Peter asked; They had been at separate stations during Potions and had no time to talk.

"We'll see, I think it worked," James said, taking another bite out of his sandwich.

"It worked. Plus we left a special surprise for Umbridge," Sirius said between bites.

"That doesn't sound good," Remus said quietly. "What did you do?"

"You'll see," Sirius said.

Remus and Peter didn't see, rather they heard it. They were on their way back from class when there was a high-pitched shriek from the direction of Umbridge's office.

"I believe that she found it," Sirius said, fighting to keep a smirk off his face.

"Found what?" Peter asked nervously.

"The snake," he said calmly.

"Snake?"

"Yeah."

"Like a _live_ snake?"

"Yes."

" _A_ _live snake?_ "

"Yes, Peter, I said it was a live snake."

"Where'd you get a live snake?" Remus asked. "It's not like they're all over Hogwarts."

"Magic," James replied.

"You summoned a snake? Is that even allowed?"

"Probably not."

It was at this moment that Umbridge ran down their corridor as fast as her little legs could carry her.

"Two galleons," James whispered.

"Alright, I'll get it later," Sirius said.

"We should get out of here before she suspects you," Remus said.

"Sure, we should do that Transfiguration essay anyway," James said.

That night at dinner, Umbridge was seething. She looked around at the students carefully, glaring pointedly at specific ones. The Marauders received one such look.

The rest of the teachers, however, talked amongst themselves. McGonagall laughed about something with Dumbledore. Flitwick and Slughorn chatted animatedly about one thing or another.

Dinner was lively and enjoyable, even more so when McGonagall passed them to leave the hall.

"Hypothetically, it worked," she whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

Sirius and James grinned broadly.

When Dinner was finished, they returned to the dormitories.

"Thank you," Remus said as they began to settle in.

"For what?" James asked.

"For, you know, not leaving me. You didn't change your minds," Remus said quietly.

"'Course not. Like we said, we're mates, and nothing is going to change that," James assured him.

"Thanks. Well, goodnight, guys," Remus told them.

"'Night, Moony," Sirius said.

Remus gave him a strange look. "Moony?"

"Yeah, just a nickname I thought up at dinner," Sirius said hurriedly, "If you don't want anyone to use it-"

"No- no, it's fine," Remus said, nodding.

"Alright, well, goodnight, guys," Peter said.


	30. Professor Black

Umbridge had no way to prove that the Marauders had been behind the snakes, but rumors flooded through the school.

"It's those Marauder people," a Ravenclaw third year whispered.

"Whoever did that must really hate Umbridge," one of the first year Slytherins commented.

"Umbridge was terrified," snickered a Hufflepuff.

"Glad the snake wasn't in our common room."

"Wish I had thought of that."

"That was the funniest thing I've ever seen."

"You put a snake in her office?" Lily demanded at lunch the next day.

"Who said we did it?" Sirius asked.

"The whole school is talking about the Marauders. That's you guys," Lily said.

"Was there anything that specifically said it was from the Marauders?" James asked.

Lily gave a huff. "No, but-"

"Then it's settled. There is no proof that the Marauders did it," Remus said.

"I thought you were on my side!" Lily said.

Remus shrugged. "The facts don't point that way."

"Well, you can at least admit that a snake was a bit much."

"It was surprising, to say the least."

"It was mad!"

"It's not like she didn't deserve it," Sirius said coolly.

Lily didn't argue any further.

"Anyway, we need to do something soon," she said after a minute.

"Like what?" James asked.

"I don't know, you're the pranksters around here!"

"No one said we were _good_ pranksters."

"Of course you are, you're brilliant! You were the ones who did the teacups! If you could come up with another brilliant idea like that, that would be appreciated," Lily said fiercely.

Peter's jaw dropped. "Did you just call James _brilliant_?"

" _Potter_ is not- he's not- I wasn't saying-" Lily groaned.

"Thanks, Evans," James said happily.

"Like Dumbledore said, there's hope," Sirius announced.

" _Dumbledore?_ " Lily asked. "What does he have to do with this?"

"Oh, nothing," Sirius said, winking at her.

"I don't like the sound of that. I'm leaving," Lily said. With that, she stood and marched out of the hall.

"Someday," James said.

"Good luck," Remus told him.

"I won't need luck," James said.

"Yes, you will," Sirius said.

They spent History of Magic planning their next prank.

"We should set a niffler loose in her class," Peter suggested.

"No, it's got to be exciting," Sirius said.

"What about slipping something into her tea?"

"We'd get in a lot of trouble if they caught us," Remus said.

"Okay, well, what if we pushed her into the lake?"

"That wouldn't work."

"We could transfigure her into a poisonous dart frog," James offered.

"Yes," Sirius said, grinning.

"No," Peter and Remus said at the same time.

"Oh, come on. You guys are so boring," Sirius complained.

"Putting flamingo feathers in the Slytherin Common Room is boring?" Peter asked.

"No, but turning Umbridge into a poisonous dart frog would be incredibly entertaining," Sirius said earnestly.

"Yeah, but we'd get expelled if we got caught," Peter said.

"What if we didn't get caught?"

"We'd get caught," Remus assured them.

"Well, then what else can we do?" James asked.

"We could try to class early and teach the lesson," Sirius said. "That would drive her mad."

"Is there anything else we can do?" Remus asked.

"Not unless you have any ideas," Sirius said.

Umbridge did not show up to her next Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"So," Sirius said, striding to the front of the room, "I will be your teacher for today, and you will call me Professor Black."

The other students appeared quite confused.

"You aren't a teacher, Black!" one of the older Gryffindor boys yelled.

"That will be a detention, Prewett."

"You can't give detentions!"

Sirius waved him off. "I'm the teacher, of course I can. Anyway, my assistant teacher will be Mr. James Potter, who will be helping me with today's demonstration."

James waved and went to join Sirius.

"Now, please pair up. There's a spell that we'll be practicing. I want you to repeat after me-"

The door flew open as Umbridge stormed into the classroom.

"Mr. Black and Mr. Potter!" she shrieked. "You _dare_ lock me in my office so that you could perform this- this spectacle!"

"You locked her in your office?" Remus yelped.

"I'm sorry, but there's a lesson going on. You're going to have to save your complaints until after class," Sirius said.

Umbridge paid him no heed. She was beside herself. "Detentions to both of you! Get out of here and report to Professor McGonagall!"

The class was starting to giggle. Umbridge's anger was almost comical.

"Detentions to all of you!" Umbridge screamed. "I will not have you disrespecting me!"

About half of the class had stopped laughing and were looking quite serious. Peter, Remus, and the rest of the class was still chuckling.

Sirius and James roared with laughter, louder than anyone. About half of the noise in the room came from them, which was quite a bit of noise.

The volume of the laughter must have shocked Umbridge considerably, because she had no scathingly sweet remark at first. Then, she seemed to come to her senses.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Pettigrew, Ms. Evans, Ms. Micinnon! Tonight at five! Mr. Prewett, Mr. Prewett, Mr. Longbottom, Ms. Smith, Ms. Johnson, Ms. Newton! Six! Ms. Finley, Mr. Wills, Mr. Argent, Ms. Lews, Ms. Denver, Ms. Edwards! Seven!" she screamed over the din. "My office!"

"We'll be there," Sirius wheezed.

Umbridge continued to call out names, days, and times. It took nearly the whole class to assign detentions to the class between the chaos and her rapidly decreasing voice.

When at last the bell rang, the class lept from their seats and rushed onto lunch.

"This may seem controversial, but I think that went well," Sirius said.

"It was worth it, the look on her face was priceless," Peter said admiringly.

"I wish we had a camera, that would have been perfect," James said.

"You locked her door?" Remus asked them.

"Yeah, but what harm did it do?" Sirius admitted.

"She gave the whole class detentions," Remus said.

"I'm not complaining, that was worth the trouble," James said.

"Well, some of us are trying not to get expelled."

"Dumbledore wouldn't expel anyone, everyone knows that," Peter said, shrugging.

"Still, that was the stupidest idea you've had in weeks," Remus argued.

"Then the stupidest ideas are the best," Sirius said happily.


	31. Beneath A Tree

Before anyone knew it, it was February. A light snowfall and chilling yet pleasant wind ushered it in.

"There's something that I should show you," Remus told the group one day.

"Alright," Peter said.

"Tonight," Remus said, nodding as though to reassure himself.

Classes went surprisingly quickly that day. Charms and Transfiguration were practical lessons, D.A.D.A, Potions, and History of Magic were lectures. At dinner, 'tonight' was discussed.

"What exactly are you going to show us?" Sirius asked nervously.

"I'll explain it later," Remus said, glancing around. He had been rather jumpy all day, not paying much attention to lessons.

"Mate, you're beginning to scare us," James said. "You've been acting like someone's following you. What is it?"

"Nothing, just…." Remus hesitated. "You have to promise not to do anything stupid, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said uneasily. "But what, why-"

"You'll see," Remus said tensely.

That night, they set out onto the grounds shrouded in James' invisibility cloak.

"Towards the tree," Remus muttered.

"The Whomping Willow?" James asked. "Isn't that tree a little, I dunno, violent?"

Remus didn't reply. His eyes were cast on the ground as though looking for something. After a minute, he grabbed a long branch that must have fallen off the tree.

"See, I told you my theory wasn't crazy," Sirius said, turning to Peter and James.

Rather than hitting the tree, Remus directed the end of the stick towards a knot at the tree's center. The knot was prodded, and Peter gasped.

The tree stopped moving, its midst of whirling branches frozen like a Muggle photograph.

"Brilliant," James said. "Where'd you learn this?"

"Come on. It'll start moving again soon," Remus replied, and led them to the base of the tree. He pulled the cloak off and slid into a gap between the tree's roots.

"Woah," Peter said.

"Here, give me the cloak," James whispered. They pulled the cloak off and headed into the tree's roots.

Below the tree was a long tunnel. It was no more than four feet high and three feet wide, with compact dirt walls.

"What is this place?" Peter wondered aloud.

"It's where I go," Remus said quietly. "You know- during the full moon."

"You spend the night in a dirt tunnel?" Sirius asked.

"No, it's at the end of it," Remus said.

"That's what your showing us," James said, glancing at him.

"Yeah. Er, come on. It's a long walk," Remus told them awkwardly. With that, they began their trek.

It started silently. No one spoke. The only sound was the crunching of their footsteps on the decaying leaves that littered the tunnel floor.

Then, it became too silent, to the point where Sirius had to ask, "Are we going to talk, or not?"

"I was about five when it happened," Remus volunteered hesitantly. "My dad- he said some things he shouldn't have to the wrong person. His name was Fenrir Greyback. Greyback broke into my room during the full moon, and he bit me as revenge for what my dad said."

James, Sirius, and Peter turned towards him, startled.

"He hurt you because of something your dad said?" James asked incredulously.

"There was an investigation on Greyback, and my dad got riled up. He said some things against werewolves, which Greyback didn't like," Remus explained with a somewhat bitter tone.

Sirius swore. "That's why you're a werewolf? Because some idiot had a big ego?"

"Yeah. Anyway, there isn't a cure or anything, so I didn't have many friends back home. It was really just me, my mum, and my dad. It's not safe for people to be around me, you know. I didn't think I'd get to come here- to Hogwarts. Then, one day, a few years ago, Dumbledore showed up. He said that I could go to school here. The only problem was my condition. This is the solution he came up with," Remus said. "The tunnel ends soon, that's where I go during the full moon, so I don't hurt anyone. The tree is planted at the entrance so that no one finds me when I'm dangerous."

"That's…." Sirius didn't finish his sentence. He simply shook his head.

"You wanted to know where I was going," Remus said hollowly, "and you deserve the truth."

The boys were silent for another few minutes as this information soaked in.

The tunnel began to curve upward. It was about half a minute before there was a loud thump. James had hit his head on a wooden trapdoor.

"Ow," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

"Sorry- it's a bit hard to see," Remus apologized. He lifted the trapdoor and climbed out of the tunnel. "Just up here."

James and Peter followed, Sirius right behind them.

"Bloody hell," Sirius breathed when he saw where they were.

Pine planks lined the floors, gouged with claw marks. The green striped wallpaper was torn and peeling. A few lone pieces of furniture had been ripped terribly. Streaks of red were found throughout the room, on the walls, floor, stairs, furniture, and boarded up windows.

"God," James said, "This is-"

"Since there's no one here, I bite and scratch myself or the furniture instead," Remus said, refusing to meet their eyes.

"Is there anything we can do?" Sirius asked.

"Don't come here during the full moon," Remus said. "I don't want to hurt you."

The boys nodded.

There was nothing else they could do. At least, not then.


	32. A Lesson In Transfiguration

The full moon was the next week.

"Don't follow me," Remus told them, "Please."

They agreed and watched him go.

"He's going to kill himself at some point," James commented unhappily. "Scratching at himself when he's in that state…."

"It's not like we can stop him," Peter said glumly. "We can't go down there."

"Well, we can't just let him do that either," Sirius said.

"I'm going to the kitchens," James said suddenly. "Sirius, Peter, want to come with?"

"Sure," Sirius said offhandedly.

"Food might help, it's hard to think on an empty stomach," Peter reasoned.

They made their way down towards the kitchens, passing almost no one, until the end of the third floor corridor.

"What are you doing out so late?" McGonagall asked.

"Ah, nothing, Minnie," Sirius said, brightening a little.

"Curfew starts in five minutes, you'd best return to your common room," McGonagall told them.

"Alright, Professor," James said, turning.

Without complaint, the others began to follow.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow and noted, "You usually would ask for a pass on curfew."

"We're just tired. Didn't realize it was so late," Peter said.

"Is this about Mr. Lupin?"

"No-" Peter said quickly.

"Yes," James and Sirius said, pivoting to face McGonagall.

McGonagall stood in thought for a minute before speaking. "There's nothing you can do now. But, hypothetically, of course, there would be a way," she said.

"How? Er, hypothetically," James asked immediately.

"Hypothetically," she said, "I will be talking about it in lessons soon."

"Could you tell us now?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"I'm afraid not, Mr. Black," McGonagall said, "as curfew started a minute ago."

"We'll leave, then," Peter said.

"I'll give you a free pass this once," McGonagall sighed, "but not again."

"Thanks, Minnie!" Sirius grinned. With that, they made their way back to their dormitory.

James, Sirius, and Peter paid extra attention in Transfiguration for the next few days. Nothing fruitful came of their listening until Wednesday.

"Today," McGonagall started, "we will be talking about Animagi, a study usually taught upon entering your third year at Hogwarts. However, I have decided to introduce it early. Does anyone know what an Animagus is?"

"A witch or wizard that can turn into an animal at will," Lily said confidently.

"Very good. Yes, like Ms. Evans said, a witch or wizard that can transform into an animal at will without a wand. Like this."

Peter gasped.

Where McGonagall had been standing, a grey tabby cat with round, spectacle markings sat.

The class applauded. McGonagall transformed back and continued the lesson.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Potter, I expect you to be taking notes," she reminded them sternly halfway through the lesson.

"Taking notes…." James muttered.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"This is it, it's what McGonagall was talking about!" James whispered hurriedly. "A werewolf is only a danger to humans, not animals…."

"Oh!" Peter said, eyes widening.

"I don't get it," Sirius said slowly. "How would that help- oh! Brilliant!"

"If we became Animagi, we could stay with him during the full moon and keep him from hurting himself, and at the same time, he wouldn't be able to hurt us," Peter said.

"Well, he could hurt us, but the bites wouldn't affect us or anything like that. At least, probably not," Sirius said hurriedly. He pulled out his quill and a piece of parchment and started copying what McGonagall had written on the board.

James and Peter also scrambled to pull out their quills and began jogging down the fine points of the lecture.

After the lecture had finished, they decided to skip D.A.D.A and go to the library. They didn't get very far before Peter and Sirius were tapped on the shoulder.

"Who's hurting themself?" Lily demanded.

Sirius, Peter, and James slowly turned.

"Sorry?" Sirius said.

"In the lesson you said someone was hurting themself. Who?"

"It's none of your-" Sirius began, but was cut off.

"Look, we can talking about this later, but we've got to get to class," James interrupted.

"It's Remus isn't it?" Lily realized. "He's not here."

"He keeps fighting the giant squid," Peter said.

"Not very good at it at all, poor bloke," Sirius said sympathetically.

Lily stared at them. "What the bloody-"

"Ah, I forgot my book," James said suddenly. "Well, I'd best go find it. Peter, Sirius, coming?"

"Yeah, well, see you later," Sirius said, following James.

"Bye, Evans!" James called over his shoulder.

"Your book is right there, Potter! You're holding it, I can see it!" Lily shouted.

They ignored her and ran the length of the corridor, not looking back.

"That's not good," Peter said nervously.

"No, it's not," Sirius agreed.

"We'll tip Remus off about the giant squid," James said.

"We can't go now, though, Pomfrey'll send us to class," Sirius said.

"So we do library, then at lunch we head up to the Hospital Wing," James said, nodding. "Alright."

With that, they hurried to the library.

"There has to be something _somewhere_ ," Peter complained. "It's almost time for lunch, and I'm not missing that."

There were only twenty minutes left of Defense Against the Dark Arts, and they still hadn't had any luck.

"Maybe in the Restricted Section," Sirius suggested.

James slammed shut a leather-bound book, sighing. "Well, you need a signed not to get in there, and it's Filch's favorite spot to patrol," he grumbled.

"We could ask Minnie," Sirius said.

"She's a teacher, she wouldn't tell us," James said.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to try," Sirius said.

"Or we could just prank Filch," Peter offered.

"Or that, but I'm out of dungbombs," Sirius said.

"That fifth year, Julian, you could bribe him to pick some up," James said.

"Let's just ask Minnie," Sirius said. "That'll be faster."


	33. The Restricted Section

"No, Mr. Black, I cannot tell you how to become an Animagus," McGonagall said.

"Not even hypothetically?" James begged.

"Not even hypothetically," McGonagall said flatly.

"Please, Minnie, it would mean so much to us," Sirius pleaded.

"Mr. Black, I cannot tell you that. I also cannot tell you that there is a book in the Restricted Section," McGonagall said.

"What's it called?" James asked.

"I cannot tell you that it is called The Complete Animagus Transformation by August Wells," she pressed on. "And that Mr. Filch has some confiscated fireworks in his desk drawer."

"Brilliant," Peter said.

"Is there anything else you can't tell us?" Sirius asked.

"Mr. Filch will be in a meeting with the Headmaster tonight at seven," McGonagall informed them, then gave a stern glance. "You must understand, Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, that these are things I cannot speak of."

"'Course, Minnie, we understand," Sirius said, "Now if you don't mind, we have some things to plan…."

"I hope this is all hypothetical, Mr. Black."

"Sure thing."

They spent lunch plotting. Lily gave them suspicious glances, though she said nothing. The plan was simple.

When Filch went to speak with Dumbledore, James and Sirius would break into his office with Peter as lookout. When they had acquired the fireworks, they would set them up on the opposite side of the castle. Then, using the Invisibility Cloak, they would break into the Restricted Section and steal the book.

Easy.

They were the Marauders. This was not their first time breaking into an office and committing thievery.

The first part of the plan went well, despite James and Sirius becoming distracted at several points.

Sirius eyed the shackles. "We should enchant his shackles," he said, grinning mischievously.

"Yeah, but first we have to- oh! Dungbombs! An entire drawer full of them! Brilliant! We should raid this place more often," James said.

After about more twenty minutes of distraction, they found the fireworks.

"Nice," Sirius said, reading the label on the side of one of them. "Minimum of three hours in action."

"Minnie is a genius," James said appreciatively.

They met Peter in the corridor outside the office and made their way to the opposite side of the castle.

"Peter, you have the quill and parchment?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, it's right here," Peter said, pulling a slightly bend quill and crinkled piece of parchment out of his robe pocket.

Sirius scribbled on the paper for a minute, writing _Courtesy of the Marauders_.

"We have to build our reputation," Sirius said, smirking. He pulled out his wand and stuck the paper to the wall.

"A sticking charm?" James asked.

"Yeah, see if it works."

James tried to pull it down to no avail.

"It works," Peter said.

They unwrapped the fireworks and chaos ensued.

Bright purple sparks danced around the corridor; Luminous blue hues rocketed back and forth; A neon red ricocheted off the walls.

The boys threw the Cloak over themselves.

The pops and blasts echoed loudly, causing teachers to poke heads out of their offices and students to peer around corners, looking for the source of the commotion.

Sirius grinned. "Gentlemen, our work here is done."

"Come on, we have to get to the Restricted Section," James said, and they went as quickly as they could to the library.

The library was empty, though James, Sirius, and Peter were still cautious. When they reached the Restricted Section the door creaked open on its rusted hinges.

It wasn't lit very well, nor was it large. The books were inches thick and smelled strongly of must, decay, or in some cases, blood.

"What's the book called?" James muttered.

"The Complete Animagus Transformation by August Wells," Sirius replied.

"I can't see anything, I'm going to use _lumos_ ," Peter said.

"No, what if someone sees?" James hissed.

"Then I use _nox_ ," Peter hissed back.

"Yeah, well, if you get us caught, then we won't be able to get the book!"

"If we can't see anything, we can't find the book!"

"He has a point, it's really dark in here," Sirius said.

"Fine," James grumbled, "but if we get caught, it's your fault."

It was much easier to see with a light, though James refused to admit it. Within ten minutes, they had the book and were scurrying back to Gryffindor Tower to hide the book in their dormitory.

"What if Remus finds it?" Peter asked suddenly.

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"Remus isn't going to let us go through with this if he figures out what we're doing," Peter said.

"We'll hide it," Sirius said. "Under my mattress, and we'll put charms on it so it doesn't look like that."

"Switch covers like with Umbridge?" James said.

"Sure, but we need to find the most innocent book possible to hide it in," Sirius said.

"Prince will skin you alive if you so much as turn a page the wrong way," Peter reminded them. "We should just hide it."

"Okay, fine. We might be more help to Remus alive, anyway," Sirius said.

They didn't hide it right away. James insisted on reading through the first chapter.

"This is really advanced," he said, turning a page. "It'll be a wonder if we pull this off."

"You have to keep a mandrake leaf in your mouth for a whole _month_?" Sirius said, appalled. "Those are gross."

Peter shifted uneasily. "And if it goes wrong…."

"Yeah. Let's not think about what happens when it goes wrong," Sirius said hurriedly.

"Do you think we can do this?" Peter asked them, unsure. "I mean, it's really difficult magic, and pretty unpredictable-"

"We're the best in our year," Sirius said confidently.

"Besides Remus," James added.

"Well, yeah, but besides him. And anyway, Minnie can help us hypothetically. Or she just can't tell us stuff."

"It's also to help Remus," James said, "He can't go through that alone. That's…. What he goes through is too much for him, or anyone, really. He needs someone to help him out, carry some of that weight."

"Alright," Peter said. "For Remus."


	34. Valentines Day

Remus was back in classes the next day. Classes passed almost uneventfully, if not for discussion of the fireworks.

"Filch wasn't happy," Marlene noted.

"Not much compared to what they did to Umbridge," her friend Alice commented.

"Well, they'd better not blame us, I was in the Great Hall," a Slytherin first year said.

"Umbridge was livid when Filch came to her for help."

"Three galleons that the Prewett Twins did it."

"You're on."

"What did you guys do while I was out?" Remus asked them.

"Just some fireworks, nothing big," James said.

"Nicked them from Filch's office, plus a package of dungbombs," Sirius said happily.

"You broke into Filch's office?" Remus asked.

"Yeah."

"Is it true that he has shackles in there?"

"Keeps 'em well oiled," James said.

"Well, anyway, we need to do another something to Umbridge," interrupted Peter.

"Like what?" Remus inquired.

"I don't know, but we should do something big on April Fools Day," he said eagerly.

"Yes! Peter, that's a great idea!" Sirius exclaimed.

"April Fools Day! Brilliant!" James crowed.

"The teachers are going to hate us," Remus said.

"Oh, not us," Sirius said, grinning maniacally. "They wouldn't hate the blessed angels Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and, heaven forbid, Sirius Black. However, they might hate those devilish Marauders."

"Heaven forbid they think you're an angel," Remus muttered.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked innocently. "You're not suggesting that I, Sirius Orion Black, would be anything but heavenly?"

"You're no angel, Sirius, we all know that," Remus said, rolling his eyes.

"I say we go for Dumbledore," said James. "Go big or go home."

"We should do something to the Great Hall," said Peter.

"Forget the Great Hall, we should do something to the corridors," said James.

"I have an idea," Remus said slowly.

They began to plan the April Fools Day Plot, a little at a time. This didn't mean that they were above causing mischief in the meantime.

Especially on Valentines Day.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was the ideal time for James to carry out his plan. It not only would fulfill its original purpose, but it would keep people from listening to Umbridge, which was a bonus.

The class took their seats as usual, the chatter dying out quickly as Umbridge entered the classroom.

"Today," Umbridge began, "we- yes, Mr. Potter?"

James was raising his hand.

"I have an announcement to make," James said.

"What are you doing?" Remus whispered. He had no knowledge of James' plan, nor did the others.

James stood and began to speak. "Ms. Lily Evans," he started.

Lily groaned and put her head in her hands.

"Since sometime during first year, I have loved you deeply and dearly with all my heart."

"Save it, Potter," she said, words muffled by her hands.

"My love for you hasn't diminished. Well, except for when you had Peter steal Sirius' eggs. Anyway, now that I have proclaimed my undying, irrevocable love for you, I ask you, Lily, will you go out with me?"

Slowly, Lily lifted her head.

Sirius nodded encouragingly from behind James, then said, "I've heard he's an excellent snogger."

"Sod off, Black!" she snarled.

Sirius shrugged.

"And, Potter? The answer is no," she added sweetly.

Umbridge blinked once, then said, "Now, Mr. Potter, if you will sit down and let us get on with the lesson, we'll discuss the details of your detention- _Mr. Black, stop laughing!_ "

Sirius was roaring with laughter, joined by a few others, though none laughed as her as him.

"Mr. Black!"

He was shaking so hard he toppled out of the desk, which caused more fits of giggles.

"Mr. Black! Detention!"

"Nice one, James," Sirius gasped as he tried to catch his breath, then burst into another fit of laughter.

Umbridge whipped out her wand and cast a silencing charm on Sirius. The room became very quiet.

"Professor, you can't just do that, it's not allowed-" Remus started.

"You'll be joining Mr. Black and Mr. Potter in detention for telling me how to run this class," Umbridge said. "The spell will wear off when the lesson finishes. He's fine."

Remus persisted. "Professor, using spells on students to obtain control isn't permitted. It says so on page twenty of-"

"Fifty points from Gryffindor," Umbridge said. "If you keep talking, it will be more."

Remus quieted.

"And on with the lesson," Umbridge crooned.

"She's not allowed to do that," Remus fumed angrily.

"Well, it's certainly not stopping her," Sirius said, shrugging, then turned his attention to James. "Tough luck with Evans. Maybe you'll do better next time, mate."

"She'll come around," James said confidently.

"Tell me when that happens, she looked pretty sure."

"Where'd you get that bit about James being a good snogger?" Peter asked.

"Oh, I made it up," Sirius said, waving it off.

"So James isn't a good snogger?"

"I dunno, why don't you judge that."

"No," James said forcefully.

Sirius smirked. "You sure-"

"We haven't started planning Dumbledore's prank," Remus cut in. "We should get that done."

"Alright. What should we do?" James said.

"What if we did something with his beard?" Sirius suggested.

"Like what?"

"We could dye it, braid it, chop it off-"

"We're not chopping off his beard," Remus said.

"Why not?"

"That's too far. We could braid it, though, like you said," Remus said, sitting down at the Gryffindor table.

"Oh, good, they have potatoes today," Peter said. He spooned some onto his plate and grabbed the gravy dish.

"A food fight!" James exclaimed. "We can do that, and enchant the food to stick, like, for and hour or something, and we could start a food fight!"

Sirius grinned and nodded. "And in the chaos, we can do something-"

"Let me guess," Remus said. "Stupid?"

"Precisely," Sirius said.

"We could still eat the food, right?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, what's the point of a food fight if you can't eat anything?" Sirius said distractedly, "And I want to pie Snivellus in the face, that has to happen."

"Isn't that a little, I dunno, targeted?" Remus asked.

"Well, yeah, but we're already targeting Dumbledore and Umbridge," James said.

"Is this for April Fools, or another time?" Peter asked.

James and Sirius grinned at each other.

"Tonight," they said.

"Tonight?" Peter yelped. "They have those special noodles with the chicken and cheese tonight!"

"Actually, forget about the pie, let's target Snivellus with that stuff, he hates cheese," Sirius said.

"How does someone hate cheese?" Peter asked, aghast.

"No idea," James said.

"Anyway, back to the food fight," Sirius said. "Dumbledore loves muggle candy, we should throw some of that at him."

"Sure, but I want to sample some first, I haven't tried any," James said.

"If you're going to do this, at least wait until dinner's over," Remus said, interrupting them.

"Oh, sure," Sirius said, smirking. "We'll wait."


	35. The Food Fight

When it was time to begin their plan, Remus shook his head and said he wanted nothing to do with it.

"Oh, Umbridge'll find a way to blame you anyway, what's the harm in committing the crime you're accused of?" Sirius asked him.

"The thing is, I'll know I'm innocent, and if that's the truth, the evidence shouldn't add up towards me," Remus said pointedly.

"It will," Sirius said simply.

"How do you know it will?"

"Because you're a Marauder."

"Good point, but I'm still not coming."

"At least tell us the spell."

"You should know this."

"Please, Moony?"

Remus sighed. "Alright, but I'm not doing anything else."

So James, Sirius, and Peter snuck down to the kitchens to enchant the food.

"You can't tell anyone about this, not even the headmaster," James told the house elves sternly. "If he asks, just say that the Marauders did it. Understood?"

The house elves nodded.

"Alright, well, go do… whatever you're supposed to be doing."

The house elves scuttled off and the boys began their work.

When dinner began, smirks were shared.

The first part of dinner went uneventfully. Sirius complained about homework, Peter ate multiple servings of the noodles, James gave quick glances at Lily, Lily ignored him, and Remus engaged in conversation.

During the second part of dinner, Remus made a knowledgeable comment that Sirius did not like. Then things got messy.

Sirius threw a piece of chicken across the table, striking Remus in the neck.

Remus blinked once. Twice. Then, he grabbed a flask of pumpkin juice and poured it over Sirius' head.

"My hair!" Sirius screeched. "Look what you've done to my hair! This means war!"

And that was how the food fight was staged and executed.

Soon enough, due to Sirius' poor aim, the Gryffindor Table was a warzone.

The Prewett Twins were using magic to launch various types of produce towards the far end of the table.

Marlene chucked a cabbage head at Alice, who squealed and retaliated with a fistful of potatoes.

And then the chaos spread.

Hufflepuff had joined the pandemonium. Zander could be seen using his plate as a shield, bravely deflecting a tomato.

The volume doubled as the screaming and shouting grew louder.

A few students tried to leave the hall, though most stayed curiously.

Things became more intense; Slytherin had joined in the fun.

When this happened, James and Sirius grinned. This was exactly what they needed.

Snape was slinking towards the door, ready to leave.

James and Sirius intercepted him, Sirius holding the dish with chicken, noodles, and cheese sauce.

"Come on, Snivellus, the fun hasn't even started," James said.

"This was your doing, wasn't it, Potter?" Snape snarled. "You and-"

Sirius smashed the dish into Snape's face. "I'll stop you there, Snivellus," he said.

Meanwhile, Ravenclaw was bombarding the other tables with rolls.

They flew through the air, arcing high above the turmoil.

The teachers watched this all, first in shock, then in confusion, and then they began to shout.

"Students!" Umbridge cried. "Put down the food or it will be detention!"

A few people stopped throwing food, but it mainly caused Umbridge to become a target.

Minutes later, Umbridge was covered in food, with an ear of corn sticking up from her head like a horn.

The other teachers covered their mouths to hide grins, or began to cough in an attempt to cover their laughter.

The intensity of the food fight continued to grow.

Then Minerva McGonagall gave a strangled yelp.

Everyone turned.

A lemon meringue pie had struck her in the back, covering her emerald green robes with whipped cream and flaking crust.

Behind her stood Dumbledore, arm outstretched and eyes twinkling behind his spectacles.

The Great Hall went silent.

McGonagall whirled around, grabbed some treacle tart, and threw it in Dumbledore's direction.

With the agility of a younger man, Dumbledore dodged the projectile.

"Albus!" McGonagall said angrily. "I'll get your for that!"

Once the students had gotten over the shock of McGonagall charging after Dumbledore, the food fight resumed.

There was not a person that wasn't covered with food when dinner at last ended.

James was covered in cauliflower, eggs, and rolls.

Sirius' hair was matted from the pumpkin juice, and he sported potatoes, chips, and taffy.

Remus was relatively unscathed, except for the chicken Sirius had thrown at him and a roll that a Ravenclaw had chucked.

Peter had a meatball stuck to his nose, a bit of fish on his elbow, and a large splotch of something across the back of his robes.

"You said this will stick for an hour?" Peter asked.

"Oh, yeah, we should mention that," Sirius said. He discreetly pulled his wand out from beneath his robes and muttered something under his breath. A small, blue jet of light shot up towards the starry ceiling, spelling out a message:

 _The food will (probably) fall off in the next hour. This night was brought to you courtesy of the Marauders._

"Courtesy of the Marauders. Do you have to put that on everything?" Remus asked, sighing.

"Well, of course," Sirius said, grinning, "They need a reputation."

"A reputation of chaos."

"Naturally," James said. "And talent."

They began to walk back to the Common Room, joining the trickle of students that were beginning to leave the Great Hall.

"Potter!"

James wheeled around.

Umbridge was livid. What you could see beneath the food that covered her face was purple with anger.

"Yes, Professor?" James asked.

"Detention," she snapped.

"Why?" He feigned a look of confusion.

"You started that- that- that havoc!" she shouted.

"I got hit before I started throwing anything at people," he said pointedly. "Why am I getting detention for that? If you gave detention to everyone who participated, you'd have to get practically the whole school in trouble."

She growled. "I know you're a Marauder- you, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew. I _will_ expose you!" Umbridge snarled.

"Look, Professor, to expose the innocent, you need loads of evidence. There's nothing against me. Now, I'm going to head back to my Common Room and try to peel all this food off." James turned and began to ascend the staircase, hurrying to catch up with the others.

"Detention?" Sirius asked when James caught up with them.

"Yeah, but I'm not going," James replied.

"Well, then, what about an after party?" Sirius suggested. "We can smuggle stuff out of the kitchens."

"No, we're already covered in food," Remus said.

"You have a roll and a piece of chicken on you, that's not covered," Peter pointed out.

"Still, I don't want to look like Umbridge did. Or experience McGonagall's wrath if she finds out we were behind it."

"Why would she bestow her wrath on you?" Peter asked.

"Did you see what she did to Dumbledore?"

"She wouldn't do anything to you," Sirius said. "You're with me, and she'll listen to me. She loves me, after all."

"She does not!" Remus argued, laughing a little.

"Of course she does! We kissed!"

"You kissed her and she yelled at you."

"She was surprised that I returned her affection."

"Sirius, you're delusional."

"No, I'm not!" Sirius complained, pretending to be offended.

The Marauders laughed as they made their way to Gryffindor Tower.


	36. The Greenhouse

James, Sirius, and Peter had all read through all three hundred pages of The Complete Animagus Transformation.

"This is going to be worse than exams," James said when they finished it.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "but we've got to try."

"We don't have half of this stuff,"Peter pointed out.

"So we'll get it," Sirius said. "What do we need?"

Peter began to recite a list.

"Well," James said when he had finished, "I think the easiest thing to get will be the mandrake leaf. We should start with that."

"Sprout has charms and jinxes surrounding the mandrakes, you know they're one of her favorites," Peter said.

"How'd you know that?" Sirius asked, surprised.

"Sprout told us last year, when we were reported them," Peter said.

"I don't remember that," James said.

"You were trying wooing Lily and passing notes with Sirius."

"Ah. I remember that day," Sirius said, nodding. "That was the time Lily called him a 'pompous, big headed git.'"

"You told me she would like it if I called her 'darling'!" James said defensively.

"Did I?"

"Yes, you-"

"Anyway, Pomfrey didn't say what defenses she had around the mandrakes," Peter interrupted.

"Well, we'll just have to figure it out," Sirius said calmly.

"How?"

"By setting them off, of course."

"I'm not doing that."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Don't look at me like that, I'm not doing it!" James protested.

The three of them sat in silence for a minute.

"I have an idea," Sirius said.

"What?"

Sirius grinned. "I do believe that Snivellus could use some excitement."

A week later, they had found the spell for their ruse.

"What are you luring Snape to Greenhouse Three for?" Remus asked them, peering over Sirius' shoulder as he scribbled a note onto a piece of parchment.

"Oh, nothing," Sirius said. "Just thought he could use some excitement."

"Are you going to feed him to one of those plants Sprout has? That's not allowed, you know," Remus said, frowning slightly.

"Oh, lay off, it'll be fine. He won't die or anything," Sirius said distractedly.

"That's reassuring."

"I know."

"You're signing it from Lily? Are you mad?" Remus asked. "That doesn't even look like her handwriting, and anyway, she shouldn't be pulled into this."

"Watch and learn," James said. He made a languid slashing motion offer the parchment.

Remus blinked.

The handwriting was now almost identical to that of Lily Evans'. Had he not been there, Remus would not have known that Sirius had penned it.

"What spell was that?" Remus questioned, hiding some excitement. "That's brilliant."

"Dunno, it's nonverbal, but it's in that one we got from the library," James said, examining the parchment.

"Woah," Peter said, eyes wide.

"It's not quite the same. She loops her 'g's and crosses her 't's differently," James noted.

Sirius grinned. "Have you been stalking her, James? Do we need to turn you into the Ministry?"

"The Ministry won't send him to Azkaban for that, Sirius, honestly," Remus sighed.

"Stalking is a very serious crime!" Sirius said dramatically.

"So you do it," James said.

"Exactly. So no one else can do it," Sirius agreed.

"You're impossible," Remus grumbled.

"I know," Sirius said cheerfully.

The next day in class, James, Sirius, and Peter managed to slip the note into Snape's bag undetected.

Smirks were shared, particularly during Potions, when the feat was completed.

That night, they snuck out of the castle to the Greenhouse, where Snape was caught unawares.

"Hey, Snivellus," James said, closing the door to the Greenhouse.

"Potter," Snape spat, "What are you doing here?"

"I could asked the same of you?" Sirius said, popping up from behind Snape.

"Black. I should have known Potter wouldn't go anywhere without his backup," Snape hissed menacingly.

"He's not my backup, he's my friend. Where are yours?" James asked scathingly.

Snape had nothing to say to this, he simply glowered.

"So," James said, looking around the room. "Big crowded in here, isn't it? Tell you what, we'll let you out the back door, because Peter just finished trapping this one, and it would be pointless to hex you if you didn't have legs, then the jelly jinx I've been working on would be useless."

"I'll take my chances," Snape said, and made for the front door, pulling out his wand.

Sirius was faster. " _Expelliarmus!_ " he shouted.

Snape's wand flew out of his hand.

"Other way, Snivellus, we can't hex you if you go out this way," Sirius said, smirking.

With a string of curse words, Snape tried to tackle him.

It didn't work.

"Don't worry, we'll give it back after," James told him. "Now, other door."

Snape grumbled, but obeyed.

While James and Sirius had held up Snape, Peter had levitated the table of mandrakes in front of the door. Without his wand, Snape would have to push the table, and then they would see what Sprout had used to protect the mandrakes with.

Sprout obviously had not lectured the Slytherins as much as she had the Gryffindors. Either that, or Snape simply hadn't been paying attention.

He rolled up the sleeves of his robes and made to push the table away from the door.

Immediately, Snape was covered in large, red angry boils that went from his greasy forehead, down his neck, and probably to his feet, for he winced as he lept back.

"Pomfrey has a nice taste in jinxes," James said.

"Yeah, we'll have to learn that one," Sirius agreed.

"You-" Snape started angrily.

"I remember how to undo that one," Peter said. "Give us some mandrake leaves and I'll fix you."

"I don't believe you," Snape said.

"Peter's really good with undoing stuff," Sirius added.

"I'll second that," James said.

Snape seized some mandrake leaves and thrust them at Peter. "Fine! Take them!"

Peter stuffed the leaves in his robe pocket and wandered off into another section of the Greenhouse.

"There's a plant that fixes boils?" James asked.

"I dunno, Peter's the plant person," Sirius answered.

"Here," Peter said, passing Snape a writhing stalk of something. "That'll reduce the swelling, but you'll have to go to Madame Pomfrey for the scarring."

Snape snatched the plant and turned to James and Sirius. "Now give me my wand," he snarled.

"Oh, alright," Sirius said, throwing it back to him.

With that, Snape levitated the mandrakes out of the way and stormed out of the Greenhouse.


	37. Scribbles and Silence

The mandrake leaves were by far the worst things that James, Sirius, and Peter had experienced.

Sirius hated it because he couldn't talk as quickly.

James thought it tasted like lime, and lime was a flavor he could not stand.

Peter only hated it because it got in the way of eating.

Actually, it got in the way of all of them eating.

Sirius swallowed his leaf at breakfast the next morning, Peter complained that his pumpkin juice tasted like produce, and James slammed his head on the table because the taste of lime was really driving him off the wall. Remus was incredibly confused.

"What's up with you guys?" he asked them as breakfast began.

James made to answer. "Nothing-"

A jet of green came flying from his mouth and into Sirius' face.

Sirius sat, frozen.

James paled.

"What was that?" Remus asked cautiously.

And that was how the vow of silence began.

For the rest of the day, James, Sirius, and Peter said nothing. They wrote what they had to say on their parchment.

Remus was unnerved.

Sure, it was nice to have them quiet for once. He could actually focus in class! But them not saying a word for hours upon end? Forget hours, Sirius not speaking for five minutes? That was strange. Too strange for Remus' liking.

"Okay, what is it?" Remus insisted, "What's up with you? You've been silent all day, and that's not like you! What is going on?"

James glanced up from the essay he was writing and grabbed a spare piece of parchment.

 _We aren't sick, don't worry_ , he wrote.

"Then why aren't you talking?" Remus demanded.

 _It's a vow of silence,_ Sirius scrawled under James' writing.

"Yes, but _why_ are you doing a vow of silence?"

 _To show how much you depend on our humor,_ Sirius scribbled.

"You know I depend on your humor, Sirius. What's the real reason?"

 _So you can get work done for once,_ Peter jotted down.

"Does this have anything to do with breakfast?" Remus asked, trying to piece the puzzle together.

 _No_ , the boys wrote.

"So it does," Remus decided. "What was that? I bet it was from the Greenhouses, you lured Snape down there for some reason, maybe as a cover for why you were down there."

 _That was only a prank!_ James protested.

 _Yeah, come on, Moony, let us have some fun without getting suspicious,_ Sirius scrawled.

"Are you sure you don't want to tell me?" Remus asked them.

 _Yeah,_ James wrote.

 _Pretty sure,_ Sirius wrote.

 _What they said_ , Peter wrote.

"Well," Remus said, "I guess I have to figure it out myself."

The boys shook their heads wildly.

"Then tell me!" Remus insisted.

 _We can't tell you, we're doing a vow of silence,_ Sirius scribbled.

"Write me."

 _Me._

"You know what I mean, Sirius."

 _What? You said to 'write me' so I did!_

"I meant write what you're doing, besides the vow of silence."

Sirius snapped his quill in half.

 _I don't think he can,_ Peter wrote.

"Would you write me, Peter?"

 _Me._

"Not you, too!" exclaimed Remus. "James?"

 _No can do, mate_ , James scribbled.

"Well, why not?"

 _It's a secret._

"I told you mine!"

 _We figured that out._

"Good point, but still," Remus argued, "mine was essential to keep. Knowing you guys, this is probably isn't."

James made no reply, deciding to continue his homework.

"Guys, please," Remus pleaded, "you're making me nervous."

"You're making everyone nervous," Lily said as she walked past. "Is this about Umbridge?"

Sirius snatched Peter's quill and wrote, _No, but we're working on that_.

Peter stole James' quill. _Give me that back!_ Peter jotted hastily. _I have homework!_

Sirius passed Peter's quill back, who in turn, returned James'.

"Does this have something to do with Valentine's Day, Potter?" Lily asked.

James turned to the paper.

 _No, but if you change your mind-_

Sirius grabbed James' quill before he could finish.

"Still no, Potter," Lily said dryly. "Now, I'm going to enjoy this day of productivity…."

"She's not going out with you because she's interested in Snape," Remus said suddenly.

"WHAT?" James roared, spitting out his leaf for the second time that day.

"So you do talk," Remus noted, then pulled out his wand. " _Accio._ "

Sirius lunged for the leaf, missing by only a few inches.

Remus inspected it, confusion clouding his face. "Is this from a mandrake?"

There was no answer. The others had sprinted up the stairs and were in the dormitory. Remus was onto them.


	38. A Diabolical Plan

"There's no way that Remus is going to let us go through with this," James panted, collapsing on his bed.

 _Little late for that, we've already started_ , Sirius noted.

 _Yeah, but this is only one step,_ Peter wrote, _and we haven't finished it, so he could stop us from finishing it._

"Good point," James said.

 _Why do we have to do these stupid mandrake leaves?_ scribbled Sirius. _They taste terrible and I can't talk!_

"Yeah. That's problematic," agreed James.

 _You could try talking_ , Peter wrote.

 _Then I'd waste the leaf and have to start over,_ Sirius scrawled under Peter's note.

 _James was the only one that spit his out._

Sirius considered this for a moment.

If talking was an option, then talk he would.

"I'm talking," he announced.

"You want to spit mandrake leaf at people?" James asked.

"I'm going to keep it in, not spit on people, and talk," Sirius said. "If anyone can do it, Sirius Black can."

"If anyone can do it, it's James Potter," James argued.

"And James Potter failed," Sirius said. "I'm definitely going to do it.

"Exactly! If I can't do it, you can't either!"

"I'm doing it right now," Sirius pointed out.

James gave a huff.

"Thanks, mate," Sirius said. "Peter, why don't you have a go? This was your idea, after all."

 _It wasn't my idea to become anim-_

Sirius grabbed his quill before he could finish.

"Hey!" Peter complained.

"Don't write it down. What if someone finds it?" Sirius scolded. He scratched out the word, covering it in more ink.

"You're wasting my ink! We could just burn this!" Peter said.

"Brilliant. I'll throw this in the fire and then tell Remus we've decided to end our vow of silence. Except for maybe James," Sirius said.

James glared more intensely at him.

"I'm feeling the love, James. Feeling the love."

With that, Sirius went to throw the parchment in the fire.

"Why did James have a mandrake leaf in his mouth?" Remus asked when Sirius got down.

"Oh, I dunno," Sirius said, "and, by the way, we're ending our vow of silence. Well, James might not be, but Peter and I are."

"You're talking again," Remus noted.

"Yeah," Sirius said.

"Is there something in your mouth?"

"What? No."

"You're up to something," Remus said.

"Like what?"

"Like… something with mandrake leaves."

Sirius did not reply, instead inching towards the fire.

"Why isn't James breaking the vow of silence?"

"Oh." Sirius was getting closer. "He wants to give you more silence so that you have time to work."

"Okay…." Remus looked unsure of this answer, but accepted it anyway.

"Well," Sirius said, successfully making it to the fire, "Is Evans really after Snivellus?"

"No," Remus said, then added, "but don't tell James."

"I won't- we should prank him, tell him they were snogging, that would be hilarious to watch."

"Yeah, maybe for April Fools…."

"Brilliant. We'll figure that out later," Sirius said. He tossed the paper into the fire. Fortunately, Remus didn't notice.

"Alright. Also- we need something for Umbridge," Remus said. "It's been too long since we've pranked her. Or Slytherin House. Hogwarts is overdue for excitement."

"Yeah. I had this idea for Mrs. Norris, actually," Sirius said, getting excited. "What if we tried to dye her a different color?"

"Filch would skin us alive," Remus said, shrugging. "But Mrs. Norris is always sneaking around and getting us in trouble, and anyway, we haven't gotten her yet."

"Any ideas for Umbridge?"

"I heard that the Care of Magical Creatures class is going to be breeding Ashwinders soon," Remus said casually.

Sirius grinned evilly. "Yes."

"Umbridge could use a pet besides those kittens, don't you think?"

"For sure."

"You realize those are illegal to trade," James said. He had joined them from upstairs, hand over his mouth. Peter stood behind him.

"We wouldn't be trading them," Remus pointed out. "If we bred them, we wouldn't break any laws."

"This is diabolical," Peter commented. "It'll get us in loads of trouble-"

"Like I said before, Peter," Sirius said, "The angels Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Sirius Black never get into trouble."

"Except for when we pranked Umbridge's office," Remus began, "and the flamingo feathers in the Slytherin Common Room. And then there was the time when Sirius and James tried to joust with the armour in the halls. And when-"

"The Marauders did that," Sirius said dismissively.

"We are the Marauders, Mr. Angel," Remus said, giving him a pointed look.

"Okay, well, we're also angels."

"You're not an angel, Sirius, honestly-"

"Well, neither are you!" Sirius said definitely. "You're a public menace!"

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked innocently.

"You want to put an Ashwinder in Umbridge's office," James said.

"That's pretty menacing," Peter agreed.

"Whoever said it was only one Ashwinder?"

"Public menace," Sirius muttered.

Remus shook his head, though he was grinning.

The Marauders spent a good hour in the library looking for information on Ashwinders.

"Classified XXX," Sirius read.

"If Umbridge was scared of that snake, she's going to be terrified of these," James said.

"Terrified?" Sirius snorted. "I think that's an understatement."

"What are you guys up to?" It was Lily.

"Nothing," Peter said.

"You're talking again," Lily noticed.

"Yeah," Sirius said.

"Well, it was nice while it lasted," she sighed. "Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had notes on Astronomy from the other night. I slept through it."

"Lily Evans, sleep through a class?" Sirius asked in false disbelief.

"Sod off, Black," Lily told him.

"Well, mate, I suppose we're rubbing off on her," James said, "Took a while, actually. You lasted longer than I thought you would, Evans."

"You can sod off, too, Potter."

"I've got my notes in my bag," Remus said. "I left it by that one chair."

"Thanks."

"Don't miss the next one!" Sirius called as she left.

They were promptly thrown out of the library by Madame Prince.

"You couldn't be quiet, could you?" Remus muttered. "I didn't get to finish the chapter."

"Well," Sirius reasoned, "when you've been quiet all day, talking is quite tempting."


	39. Green

They decided to hold off Umbridge's prank for a bit. Not long, but long enough for James to get home over the Easter Holidays and bring back some floo powder.

In the meantime, James and Peter had been bribing a fourth year to buy them specialty fireworks in Hogsmeade and Sirius had been researching, with the help of Remus, color changing spells.

It was slow work; the spells were complex for a second year, but if anyone could handle it, it was Sirius and Remus.

"Why isn't it working?" Sirius asked, frustrated.

"You're saying it wrong," Remus said.

"No, I'm not!" Sirius insisted.

"Just accent the last syllable, you're really close," Remus told him.

"Obnoxiously accent or slightly accent?"

"Sirius."

"Yeah, alright."

It was a few days later when the charm had been perfected.

"Okay," James said. "Are we ready?"

"Yeah, this is going to be great. You guys know what you're doing?" Sirius checked.

"Peter stands guard," Remus began, "James will distract Filch and escape with the cloak, and I'll help make sure the charm works."

"Let's go," Sirius said.

James had the fireworks from the fourth year and had decided to put them off in the seventh floor corridor.

He had them positioned in what he decided was the most effective order for chaos and distraction. The only thing left was to set them off.

With a grin, James lit the fireworks.

That fourth year had outdone themself.

Red streaks ricocheted off the walls, purple beams whizzed around the corridor. Green and orange flashes raced back and forth. It was a magnificent display of pandemonium.

It was also a magnificent display of noise. The fireworks sparked and fizzed, giving off loud booms and crashes.

Filch would be there in no time.

James pulled the cloak out and then threw it over himself.

It wasn't a moment too soon; Filch had entered the corridor and was furious.

"Students causing trouble…. Why don't they…. Worst job," Filch muttered sourly.

Meanwhile, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were looking for Mrs. Norris.

"Where is she?" Sirius muttered. "That bloody cat couldn't just show up where we need her."

"She's a cat, she wanders around," Remus said, shrugging.

"Well, she'd better wander over here, because James has got to be almost done by now," Peter said.

They searched in vain for another few minutes before Sirius spotted it: A small grey tail disappeared around the corridor corner.

"There!" Sirius exclaimed quietly. "Peter, keep watch here. Remus, come on, we've got her!"

Peter nodded as Sirius and Remus raced down the corridor.

The tabby cat was waiting at the end of the corridor. It was cloudy grey with piercing amber eyes, around which were strange, spectacle-like markings.

The boys vaguely noticed that something was off about it, but paid it no heed.

"Remember the accent!" Remus reminded him.

Sirius murmured the spell. With a flourish of his wand, the cat's fur rippled, turning to a summer green.

The cat looked at itself, giving a noise somewhere between a hiss and a mew.

"Nice one, it worked," Remus said, grinning.

"Filch'll be surprised," Sirius said, nodding.

"He'll also be angry if he finds us here, come on," Remus said.

They met Peter at the end of the corridor.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Yeah, she's bright green," Sirius said, a hint of pride in his voice.

"Brilliant," Peter said. "Shall we celebrate in the kitchens?"

"You and food," Sirius said, shaking his head. "It's always food."

"Food is good," agreed Remus, "Especially chocolate."

"Can't argue with that," Sirius sighed, "So, off to the kitchens."

Apparently, James had had the same idea. He was already enjoying a small cake.

"How'd it go?" he asked when they came in.

"Sirius was brilliant," Remus said, helping himself to some chocolate.

"What color is she?" James asked excitedly.

"Green," Sirius said with a smirk.

"I wonder if Dumbledore will mention it tonight at dinner, Filch usually has him do that stuff," Peter said.

Dumbledore said nothing. Dinner was like every other night.

"I think we got away with it," Peter said happily.

"Filch is gone, so's Minnie…. Wow, James, I think they're still cleaning up the fireworks," Sirius noted, impressed.

Minerva McGonagall had not been helping Filch clean up the fireworks the previous night at dinner.

The boys found this out as they walked into Transfiguration the next day.

McGonagall's skin was green- bright green.

Sirius gasped.

"Oh no," Remus muttered faintly, "this isn't good."

"You outdid yourself, mate," James said, hiding a grin.

"James!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin. You'll be having a detention with me tonight," McGonagall informed them.

Sirius started to explain. "I'm sorry, Minnie, I'm so sorry. You see, we were going for Mrs. Norris, but we mistook you for her-"

"I believe we have a lesson to start," McGonagall interrupted.

"We're in for it," Remus moaned.

Then the lesson started.

"Minnie hates me," Sirius whispered anxiously. "This is the end!"

"You're worried about your relationship with her? She's going to kill us!" Remus said.

"Have fun with her tonight," James said.

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said.

That night, they trudged down to McGonagall's office, taking as long as they could without being terribly late. All too soon, the door was visible. It loomed before them, long and foreboding.

"She's just another teacher," Remus said feebly, though they both knew that McGonagall's wrath was one to be feared.

They knocked on her door.

It opened quietly, revealing a green McGonagall.

"Well," McGonagall said, looking quite bemused, "you know the drill. Have a biscuit."

"'Course, Minnie," Sirius said, giving a small, less nervous smile.

McGonagall closed the door behind them.


	40. Conversations Overheard

"Minnie doesn't hate me," Sirius announced when they returned to the Common Room.

"Great," James said. "So it went well?"

"We are never prancing McGonagall again," Remus said.

"What did she make you do?" Peter asked.

Sirius groaned and answered. "We have to clean the Hospital Wing-"

James shrugged. "That's not too bad-"

"-without magic."

"Okay. That's bad," James answered, sympathetic.

"But she did give us biscuits," Sirius said, a little more cheerfully.

"Of course she did," Peter said. "She loves giving out biscuits."

February ended and then it was March.

"Well," Remus said awkwardly, "I've got to go, it's that time…."

"Bye," Sirius said, watching him leave.

"We need to do more research," James decided. "That book isn't enough."

"It's three hundred pages," Sirius said, "It's enough information, and anyway, there aren't any other books, McGonagall would have told us about it."

James sighed. "Yeah, I guess," he said.

They were silent for a moment.

"He'll be fine," Peter said quietly.

"Yeah. I just wish we could do more," James said, looking down.

"Well, he's missing class today, he'll need notes," Peter said after a minute.

"Wants to start studying for exams already," Sirius said, shaking his head, "He'll make us join him if we don't get those notes for him. I don't know about you, but I don't have any intention of studying until May."

They grabbed their books and made their way to Charms.

Charms went smoothly and they were making their way to Transfiguration when Lily came up behind them.

"Oi! Potter, Black, Peter!" she called.

"Evans," James greeted her.

"Just got word that Umbridge is back to the books," she said.

The boys grinned.

"You know Zander Mitchell?" Sirius asked.

Lily nodded.

"Tell him that the books are back on," James said.

"Tell the rest of Gryffindor, too," Peter added.

"Alright," she said, then hurried off.

In Transfiguration, McGonagall was back to her normal shade and gave Sirius a look.

Sirius winked.

McGonagall ignored him, to which Sirius declared meant their relationship would be alright.

Before entering Defense Against the Dark Arts, the boys switched their books, grinning all the while.

"We'll get her," James vowed. "It'll work."

With that, they walked into class.

Umbridge smiled and cheerfully crooned, "Today you'll be reading Chapter Fifty Six. There will be no need to talk."

No one talked.

The class read, suppressing smirks of triumph.

At lunch, Zander came up to confirm what Lily had told him.

"Umbridge is using the books again?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's what she did in our class," replied Sirius.

"Brilliant, I'll let the rest of Hufflepuff know we're back in," Zander said, nodding.

"Brilliant," James said.

"Well, I'm on that, thanks for letting us know."

"No problem," Sirius said.

With that, Zander walked off, leaving the boys.

"We should See if we can get Ravenclaw in on it, three houses would be better than two," Peter said.

"Let's talk with Remus about that when he's back, he knows some people there," James said.

"Speaking of it, where is Lupin?" a voice drawled behind them.

It was Snape.

"Well, look who it is," Sirius said, feigning boredom.

"Snivellus," James said, turning in his seat to face Snape.

"You didn't answer my question," Snape pointed out.

"And we don't have to," James told him coldly.

"Keeping secrets, are we, Potter," Snape sneered.

"If you have to know," Sirius started, "he's-"

"Sirius!" Peter hissed in warning.

"-fighting the Giant Squid," he finished.

"Fighting the Giant Squid," Snape said dryly. "Yes, that's definitely what he's doing."

"Poor bloke thinks it's a fair fight. He's probably in the Hospital Wing by now, suffering from lack of oxygen and whatnot," Sirius said sympathetically.

"Speaking of the Hospital Wing, that where you'll be if you stick around for much longer," James threatened him.

Snape scoffed at them. "Have it your way this time, Potter." He walked off towards the Slytherin table.

"Git," James muttered.

"He doesn't know," Sirius said, glaring at Snape, "and he's not going to."

"We'll have to tip Remus off about the Giant Squid in case Snape tries asking," James said.

"Yeah, tomorrow morning before class, when we bring him up some breakfast," Peter said.

"Alright," Sirius said, now glaring at the entire Slytherin table.

"We'll get them on April Fools," Peter told him.

"Them and Umbridge," James said with a small grin.

"In the meantime," Peter decided, "I'm going to eat something. Pass the gravy, Sirius."

Sirius turned back to the table and passed Peter the gravy.

"I'm going to get some of Minnie's biscuits. I think the house elves were making her some," Sirius said. "Anyone else?"

The other two shook their heads and Sirius left the hall, heading towards the kitchens.

He never made it there. A group of three fifth years were strutting down the hall, talking loudly.

"-won't miss much, Hopper said she'd take notes," the sandy haired Slytherin was saying.

"I don't care what we miss, anything for Honeydukes," a Hufflepuff girl announced.

They reached the end of the corridor. The second Hufflepuff stuck his head around it as though looking for someone.

"No one's there, it's all clear," he told the group. "Come on."

They disappeared around the hall.

Sirius did the only logical thing: He followed them.

The group stood before a grey stone statue of a single-eyed crone.

" _Dissendium,_ " the Hufflepuff murmured, tapping her wand on the statue.

The statue slight shifted, revealing a gap wide enough for a person to fit through.

The girl and boys slipped through the gap, the statue sliding shut behind them.

"It's a secret passage," Sirius whispered to himself. He grinned and broke into a run, he had to tell James and Peter.

"Where are the biscuits?" James asked him when he ran into the hall.

"I've got something better than biscuits," Sirius told them. "You won't believe what I just found!"

"What?" Peter asked excitedly.

"Come with me!"


	41. Through The Tunnel

He led James and Peter down to the hallway with the stone crone.

" _Dissendium,_ " Sirius said, using his wand to tap the statue.

Silently, the statue shifted to the left.

"Woah," James breathed, "A secret passage."

"Where does it lead?" Peter asked curiously.

"I don't know, but I overheard the girl talking about Honeydukes," Sirius said.

"Honeydukes? The sweet shop?" Peter was suddenly very excited.

"Isn't that where you went over the summer holidays?" James asked.

"Yeah, it's incredible, there's so many different kinds of sweets and candies," Peter said, mouth watering.

"We should explore it," Sirius said. "Sometime soon."

"Why not now?" Peter asked.

"Well, first, if it takes you to Honeydukes we need money, second, someone's already using it, I don't want to run into them, and third, we should wait for Remus," Sirius said.

They were silent as they looked at the tunnel for a minute.

"Alright," Peter said.

While they waited for Remus to return, the boys made a list. They needed money, they needed the cloak, and food. It was a long walk to Hogsmeade, the place where Honeydukes resided, and they had no way of knowing how long the walk would be.

That weekend, they dragged Remus to the corridor.

Sirius pulled out his wand.

Remus watched him curiously.

" _Dissendium_ ," Sirius said.

The statue shifted.

"Woah," Remus said.

"Follow me," Sirius said. He slipped through the gap, followed by James, Peter, and then Remus.

It was long and dark with concrete floors and walls that echoed as they walked.

" _Lumos_ ," James said, and the tunnel filled with a warm light.

"Where does this go?" Remus asked them, peering ahead.

"Sirius overheard someone talking about Honeydukes," Peter said.

"Honeydukes? The sweet shop?"

Peter nodded.

"That's in Hogsmeade!"

"Yeah, we think it'll be a walk," James said.

"Do the teachers know about it?" Remus asked.

"We don't know, but we don't think so," Sirius said.

They continued walking for an hour or so when the tunnel began to slope upward.

"I bet we're almost there," Sirius said. "That didn't take as long as I- ouch!" He had banged his head on the ceiling quite hard. Sirius let out a string of curses, rubbing his head.

"Alright?" James asked him.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Someone else go up front, I don't want to run into anything else."

After a bit of shifting, Remus took his place in front. Rather than walking, he looked toward the ceiling.

"What?" James asked.

"Here, shine your wand up here," Remus instructed.

James complied, inching forward and holding his wand higher.

Remus studied the ceiling for another moment before making a decision. He raised his arms and began to push.

The ceiling shifted.

"A trapdoor!" Peter exclaimed.

The Marauders pulled themselves out of the passage and into another room.

The room was nicely sized and full of boxes. They were stacked up against the walls and covered the cobbled floor. Inside the boxes were brightly colored packages, labeled with various titles.

"This is the storage room for Honeydukes," Peter guessed. "Look, Jelly Slugs. And over there are some Acid Pops."

"We should probably get out of here before someone comes, there are stairs over there," Remus said, pointing.

"I've got the cloak," James said, grinning.

They snuck out of the storage room without any trouble and made their way into the shop.

"Woah," Sirius said.

Shelves lined the plastered walls. They were covered in packages and displays of every flavor and color.

Hogwarts Students and a few odd witches and wizards crowded the shop, commenting on the available samples.

"This must be a Hogsmeade Weekend," James noted. "That's why the castle was practically empty."

"We could probably pass for third years, let's take off the cloak. I want to buy something," Sirius said.

They slipped outside, went around to the back of the shop, and pulled off the cloak. Then, they went back inside.

There were so many treats that they separated easily. Remus rushed toward the chocolate, Sirius the section adorned with a _Special Effects_ label, James the _Interesting Tastes_ , and Peter the samples.

It took them an hour and a half to leave.

Each of them had pockets laden with sugar and far less money than they had come with.

"Come on, let's look around a bit," James suggested as they left. A chilling wind nipped at them as they walked down the street, but none of them minded in the least.

"The joke shop is over here," Peter said, pointing a ways to the right, "and The Three Broomsticks is down that way."

They began at the joke shop, Zonko's. Though Honeydukes had delighted them, Zonko's was better. They emptied the rest of their pockets on pranks and mischief-making tools. It was not a very large shop, but it entertained them greatly.

When they finished their purchases, they made their way back to the passageway under the cloak, excitedly talking about the past few hours.

"We can use this stuff for April Fools," James said.

"And we don't have to bribe that fourth year!" Sirius added happily. "He was overcharging us."

"Honeydukes had fifteen different kinds of chocolate," Remus said. "I restocked my supply."

"It's too bad we didn't make it to Three Broomsticks, they have great butterbeer. Maybe next time," Peter said.

"Yeah, whenever the next weekend is we should sneak out again," James said.

"Definitely," Sirius agreed.

The return to Hogwarts seemed to take much less time than it had to leave it. They snacked on their candy and chatted all the while.

By the time they made it back, dinner had started, but they weren't very hungry; Honeydukes had had plenty of samples. Instead of eating, they went back to the Common Room.

"Do they have the day for the next weekend up?" James asked.

Sirius walked over to the board. "No, nothing."

"Well, that's alright, we've got enough to last us," Remus said, unwrapping some chocolate.

"Sirius doesn't, he finished his already," Peter said.

"I was hungry!" Sirius protested.

"I'm always hungry and I didn't finish mine," Peter pointed out.

"Still, you bought loads!"

"I only bought what was essential!"

"Essential? You bought a whole-"

"We'll go back!" James interrupted, "Next time they have a weekend."

"Great. I hope it's soon," Sirius said.

"Probably in May, I think they have them every two months," Remus said.

"May? How am I going to last that long?" Sirius whined.

"Figure it out."

"Thanks for the help."

"You're welcome."


	42. A Conversation With McGonagall

"Detention, Mr. Black," Umbridge said. "I will not have you speaking out of turn in my class."

"I raised my hand, Professor," Sirius said. "You said to talk in this class I had to raise my hand, so I did."

"Twenty points from Gryffindor and another detention," Umbridge said.

Sirius glared at her.

Umbridge gave a sickly sweet smile and continued her lesson.

That night, Sirius went to her office to receive the detention.

"You're late, Mr. Black," Umbridge noted when he arrived. "It's 5:07. You were supposed to be here at 5:00."

"Sorry, I was tied up," Sirius said.

"Detention comes first."

"Actually, food does. You see, I had to finish the eggs before Peter could steal them from me, and it was quite a large bowl-"

"Lines do not require talking, Mr. Black," Umbridge said stiffly.

"Of course, Professor."

He sat and pulled out his quill.

"Hem, hem."

Sirius ignored her.

"Hem, hem," Umbridge insisted forcfully, "You will use my quill, Mr. Black."

"I don't think I will, this one is fine."

"Mr. Black-"

"Really, Professor, I-"

A soft mewing came from the corridor, directly outside the door.

Umbridge stood hastily from her desk to open the door.

Sirius turned his head in time to see a grey, spectacle-marked tabby cat stride into the office, tail high.

Umbridge hurried to the desk, opening a drawer and pulling out a small china saucer.

Sirius gaped at the cat. "Min- er, she's… cute," he stammered.

"Mr. Black, if you don't start your lines," Umbridge said, pouring some milk into the bowl, "I will stick my quill to your hand and _force_ you to write."

"You'll have to stick it to my hand, I guess," Sirius said.

Umbridge did exactly that.

Almost three hours later, Sirius left the office and hurried back to the Common Room. Rather than shock, it was excitement he felt by the time he threw himself onto the couch, forming a plan.

"What happened?" Remus asked him.

"Minnie, she was in there, Umbridge didn't know, she poured her milk," Sirius rambled.

Remus, Peter, and James were all confused.

"What?" James asked when he finished.

"That didn't make much sense," Peter decided.

Sirius tried again. "I was in detention and there was this mewing at the door. Umbridge opened it and it was Minnie. She was a cat, though, like when we turned her green, but I don't think Umbridge knew it was her. So Umbridge let Cat Minnie in and gave her milk and stuff."

"That still doesn't make much sense," Peter said.

"Why was she in Umbridge office?" James questioned.

"McGonagall is spying on Umbridge?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged, shaking his head. "Maybe, I don't know, but knows about Umbridge and her detentions now, for sure _._ "

"So..." Peter said slowly.

Sirius began to explain his plan. "So she could talk to Dumbledore and get Umbridge-"

Behind them, the portrait opened, revealing McGonagall. The boys could feel suppressed anger, see the unnatural tightness in her lips, and the dangerous flush in her cheeks. Her eyes flashed furiously as she turned to the Marauders.

The Common Room had gone dead silent. None of the Gryffindors moved a muscle.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Lupin," she said tightly, then turned to Lily, who stood in the opposite corner, "Ms. Evans. I think you had better come with me."

With a glance at each other, the boys rose and followed her out of the room, Lily behind them.

"What did you guys do?" Lily grumbled.

"I don't know, what do you think this is about?" whispered James, turning to the others.

Sirius shook his head and shrugged. "I don't know, she already chewed us out about turning her green earlier."

"Do you think that we're in trouble?" asked Remus quietly.

Peter nodded. "Probably _._ "

"Someone is in trouble," McGonagall informed them, sounding just as furious as before.

"Brilliant," James muttered sarcastically.

"It's not you, Mr. Potter, nor is it Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Pettigrew, or Ms. Evans," she finished.

"Brilliant," James said brightly.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the seventh floor corridor.

"Are we making you more biscuits, Minnie, dear?" Sirius asked cheerfully when he recognized where they were.

"No, Mr. Black," McGonagall said. She faced the wall for only seconds before a familiar door materialized. "In."

They walked in expecting a kitchen, but found something completely different.

It appeared to be a cross between a meeting room and library. Bookshelves lined the walls, covered with volumes of all colors and sizes. In the center of the room was a long oak table with six black leather chairs.

McGonagall took the seat at the table's head and gestured for them to do the same.

When they had taken their seats, Lily took it upon herself to figure out what was happening.

"Er, Professor, what's going on?" she asked, glancing around the room.

"I trust that you have been in detention with Umbridge," McGonagall said tensely.

Lily nodded. "Yeah, a few times."

"She cannot continue with this," McGonagall said, "She won't. Not under my watch."

"So what are we here for?" Peter asked.

"I need you Marauders to make some mischief. Keep her too busy for detentions. Make her want to quit."

Sirius and James grinned, Remus smirked, Peter blinked, and Lily pointed out, "I'm not a Marauder."

"Well, then I need the Marauders and Ms. Evans to make some mischief," McGonagall said. "Hypothetically," she added as an afterthought.

"Hypothetically, that we can do," James said.

"Well, let's get started then. Hypothetically," Sirius said.

The plan began to formulate.


	43. The First Plot

"Okay, what do we have so far?"

McGonagall had left them an hour ago and in her absence they had began plotting.

James glanced down at the list they had started. "A lot."

"Well, read it," Sirius insisted.

"Ashwinder," James started, but was cut off.

"Ashwinders," Remus interrupted. "We have to do more than one."

" _Ashwinders_ ," James began again, "Peeves, armor, illusion magic, blackmail-"

"Blackmail?" Lily yelped. "That's illegal!"

"Who cares?" Sirius asked.

"Blackmail, April Fools, hair and clothes dye-"

"Oh, that's going to be great," Peter said, grinning. "All of her clothes will be blue and red and green and stuff. No pink at all."

"Can I finish without interruptions?" James asked.

"No," Sirius said.

James groaned. "Voice changing spells, language spells, and-"

"Wait, language spells?" Lily asked. "Those are fifth year-"

"And locking her in a room with bludgers," he finished forcefully.

"Sounds good," Sirius decided. "What first?"

"Well, we can't do the ashwinders until after the Easter Holidays because James has to get the floo powder, and the illusions, language, and voice changing spells will take time to figure out. That leaves us with Peeves, armor, blackmail, bludgers, and the dye," Remus said.

"Peeves," Lily said.

"I dunno, the dye sounded really fun," Peter said.

Lily shrugged. "Yeah, but Peeves can cause _lots_ of different types of trouble, and that'll give us time to plan the other things," she reasoned.

"Okay, I'll talk with Peeves while you guys are at dinner tomorrow," Remus said. "But someone should come with just in case."

"I'll go," Sirius volunteered.

"What about the list?" Lily inquired.

"What do you mean?" James said.

"Who's keeping the list?" she asked.

"Who's the least likely to lose it?" Remus asked, glancing at the group.

"You or Evans, we all know Sirius and I would lose it within five minutes and Peter would get it covered in food," James said.

"Hey!" Peter protested.

"I'll keep it," Lily said.

"Brilliant," James said, passing her the list.

"Alright, let's go, I don't want to miss dinner," Peter said.

"Hence why Peter isn't keeping it," Sirius said solemnly.

"I just like to eat! Why does that have to do with who keeps it?" complained Peter.

The next night, James and Peter went to dinner, Lily had scurried up to Gryffindor Tower to hide the list, and Sirius and Remus were trying to find Peeves.

Fortunately, Peeves wasn't that hard to find.

He was bouncing around the Trophy Room, attempting to unscrew the brass chandelier.

"It unscrews the other way," Remus told him, startling the poltergeist.

Peeves turned.

He was of medium height, not tall nor short. His pointed hat sat crooked upon his head and his boots were on the wrong feet.

"Shouldn't you be at dinner?" Peeves asked mockingly in a singsong voice. "Students where they shouldn't be? Perhaps you ickle firsties-"

"We're in second year," Sirius corrected artlessly.

"-ickle secondies," Peeves amended, "are lost?"

"No, we were looking for you," Remus said.

"Looking for me?" Peeves flipped upside down. "And who would be looking for me?"

Sirius began to reply. "Us, obvio-"

"Remus Lupin and Sirius Black," Remus interrupted. "We need a favor that you might be up to."

"Loony, Loopy Lupin and Barking, Boasting Black need a favor?"

"I'm not mad. That's a bloody lie from Snivellus," Sirius said, not bothering to keep his voice down.

Remus was unfazed. "Yes."

"Sorry to disappoint, but I don't do favors." Peeves turned his attention back to the chandelier. "Now which way do I unscrew it?"

"We'll tell you if you help us," Remus assured him.

"Will you?"

"Yes, in fact, we'll tell you that and something else," Remus said confidently.

"Like what?" Sirius muttered.

"The passage," Remus replied.

"I found that!" Sirius protested. "You can't just-"

"And what is this favor?" Peeves interrupted.

"We need you to cause some chaos," Remus said. "Specifically for Dolores Umbridge."

Peeves grinned. "I'll be right on it. And the chandelier?"

"It unscrews to the left."

"This 'something else'?"

"Behind the one eyed witch statue is a secret passageway that leads to the cellar of Honeydukes in Hogsmeade."

Peeves cackled. "Well, ickle secondies, I have some chaos to cause."

Sirius and Remus left the Trophy Room and were only halfway down the corridor when a loud bang sounded from within the room.

"He unscrewed it the right way," Remus noted.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "Soon he'll be smashing the statue in front of the passage. Why'd you have to tell him where it was?"

"Because that was the best way to make sure he wouldn't try unscrewing the chandelier himself, and anyway, you need a wand to get into the passage. He won't be able to use it," Remus explained when they were far enough away from the room.

"Well," Sirius decided, "that was a smart move."

"Thanks."

"It was also more proof that you're a public menace," Sirius concluded.

"Are you ever going to let that go?"

"No."

The next day, Peeves followed Umbridge around all day, blowing raspberries or giving life advice.

Umbridge didn't seem to know what to make of it at first.

"You really should start working out," Peeves told her during breakfast. "Otherwise you look like a toad, Pinky."

After that, Umbridge became quite sharp with him.

James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Lily could hardly contain their laughter in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Sirius had to stuff his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing and James was "coughing" for most of the lesson. Peter shook because of silent giggles. Remus and Lily had a number of shared glances and mischievous grins.

Umbridge was too preoccupied to notice the unusual connection between Lily and the Marauders, as were most of the students. At lunch, however, McGonagall was very aware of the unusual connection.

Sirius knew this and winked when she passed by them at the Gryffindor table.

McGonagall shook her head, but not before winking back.

"Yes!" Sirius roared, attracting the confused stares of many people, including James, Remus, and Peter.

"What was that for?" Remus asked.

" _Minnie winked back!_ "

"If anything good comes of Umbridge," James said, "it'll be that."


	44. Colors and Exhilarations

They set their sights on dying Umbridge's clothes next. That was the final prank the Marauders and Lily intended on doing before the Easter Holidays.

While the plan was being fine tuned, Lily and Remus had gotten a head start on the language and speaking spells.

"You'd better have it mastered by April Fools, I want to use those on Dumbledore," Sirius informed them.

"Sure, we'll try," Remus said.

"But we're testing it on you," Lily added.

"Why?"

"Well, no one else has volunteered, and you want it done."

"Well, Evans, I never volunteered, so-"

"Sirius!" James shouted from across the room, "What's Mars covered in? I wasn't paying attention in Astronomy last night!"

Sirius sighed. "I'll discuss this with you later," he said, then turned to James. "I'm coming, mate."

Three days later, they were ready to sneak into Umbridge's office.

"So, you guys remember the plan?" Lily checked.

"Yeah. I'm lookout," said Peter.

"I break into the office," said Remus.

"I use the dye," said James.

"I'm doing the sticking charm," said Sirius.

"I'll be in class taking notes," finished Lily.

"We're ready," James said.

When it was time for D.A.D.A, Lily was the only one that went to class. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter made their way to Umbridge's office.

"You have the dye?" Peter asked them, taking his position.

Sirius nodded and slipped a package out of his robe pocket.

Remus lifted his wand. " _Alohomora_."

The door creaked open with a rusty squeal and they were in.

"Where are her clothes?" James hissed.

"In her dresser," Remus said.

"And where's that?"

"Probably in her room."

"And where's her room?"

"I'm guessing it's through that door."

"What door?"

Remus pointed to a small section of the wallpaper that seemed to be peeling. It was the one space in the room not covered by kitten plates.

"How'd you find that?" Sirius asked.

"I looked," Remus said, a little smugly.

James moves to push on the wallpaper. With little prodding, it swung forward, revealing a doorway.

Inside Umbridge's room, there was a small dresser, a bed, a teakettle, and, not surprisingly, more kitten plates.

"Bloody hell, she's sure obsessed," Sirius noted, eyes widening. "I didn't think anyone could own that many plates, much less cat ones."

"I know, it's mad," James agreed.

"James? Don't you have clothes to be ruining?" Remus asked.

"Right. Mate, pass me the dye."

Sirius passed him the box of clothes dye.

James grinned. "Brilliant."

Umbridge's dresser drawers were ransacked as James squirted different colors of dye onto each garment.

It didn't take long before the floor was covered in multicolored hues.

"Use more green, make her look like a toad," Sirius urged.

"No, use blue," Remus said.

James emptied the bottles of dye within ten minutes.

"Now my turn," Sirius said. He pulled out his wand and began casting the sticking charm on each piece of clothing.

"Go faster, we need to get out of here before she comes back," Remus said.

"We still have a half hour, we're fine," James said.

"Still, we don't have a lot of time."

"Well, she's not getting this out," Sirius declared confidently. "I just need a few more minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, Sirius had used the sticking charm twice on each garment.

"I'm done, now we just have to fold it and put it back," he said.

"Brilliant," James said. "So how does that work?"

"You don't know how to fold?" Remus asked.

"No, my mum used magic," James explained.

"I can't either, we have a house elf," Sirius huffed.

"You know?" James said desperately.

"Yeah, here, I'll teach you," Remus said.

It took approximately eleven minutes and forty-seven seconds for them to fold and put away all the clothes. It took an extra fifteen seconds for Sirius to scribble ' _Courtesy of the Marauders_.' They rushed outside the room and office just as classes ended.

"Oh, good. You're done," Peter said when he saw them. "It worked?"

"Yeah. She'll look like a poisonous dart frog," Sirius said.

"Poisonous dart frogs aren't seven different colors," Remus pointed out.

Sirius had nothing to say to that.

At lunch, they received a rare visit from Lily Evans.

"Did it work?" she asked.

"Yeah," James said.

"Great," Lily said.

"Would you go out with James for a celebration?" Sirius joked, smirking.

"Sod off, Black," Lily told him, though her voice lack some of its usual venom.

"Is that a yes?" James asked hopefully.

"It's a no, Potter," Lily said. With that, she left them to go sit by Marlene and Alice.

"She didn't sound as angry this time," Remus noticed.

"There's still hope!" James said, grinning.

"You know what Dumbledore said," Sirius reminded them, "' _If you and Minerva work, than James and Lily have a chance_.'"

"Were those his exact words?" Remus asked.

"Yes they were," Sirius said. "Now, pass the pie, Peter."

"But I'm eating the pie!" Peter protested.

"Well, pass the rest of it then!"

"I'm eating the rest of it!"

"You owe me, Peter! You stole my eggs!"

"That was a story for Umbridge's class," Remus reminded him.

Sirius didn't relent. "Pass the pie already!"

Peter didn't pass the pie.

Lily and the Marauders were waiting anxiously for Defense Against the Dark Arts. The Marauders waited for Umbridge's expression; Lily waited to see if she had gotten away clean.

They both got what they wanted.

Umbridge stormed in looking as though she had been in a very intense game of Muggle paintball. Her clothes were splattered with ivy greens, crystal blues, blood reds, bright oranges, sunlit yellows, stormy greys, and violent purples.

The class didn't know what to make of it. They sat, silent, until a girl in the back row began to chuckle.

The chuckle turned to laughter.

The laughter became a deafening roar that drowned out Umbridge's threats.

"It was from the Marauders! I'll get you, I'll expose you! You will be punished!" she screamed.

No one heard her.

"It worked!" James said happily.

No one heard him either.

"She'll be out of here in no time!" Sirius said blissfully.

"And I'm not in trouble!" Lily said, exhilarated, then quietly added as an afterthought, "That wasn't half bad, planning it. It was rather fun, actually."

If the class had heard her, they would think she'd gone mad. Lily Evans, causing trouble?

The realization she had admitted was lost in the laughter.

The exhilaration in causing chaos and getting away with it had grown on her. Her first prank!

If she could help it, it wouldn't be her last.


	45. April Fools Day

The Easter Holidays went by quickly. James returned from his parents with a smuggled pouch of floo powder.

"We can do ashwinders next week, but we need to do the finishing touches today," he said.

Today was the last day of March, making tomorrow the first day of April.

April Fools Day would be a day to be feared.

The Marauders swore it.

Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter spent the day explaining their plot for Umbridge to Lily, who had offered to help.

"Can you guys do the language spells yet?" Sirius asked, turning to Lily and Remus. "Did you work on them over break?"

"I did," Lily said. "I stayed and practiced over break, but I didn't practice them on anyone."

"Peter volunteers," Sirius said.

"Peter does not volunteer," Peter said.

"Excellent. Sirius does," Remus said.

"No, I don't!" Sirius protested. "I didn't-"

Remus cast the spell on him.

Sirius fell silent and glared at Remus.

"Are you going to say something or are we waiting for the grass to grow?" Lily asked.

" _Dankeschön_ , _Remus_ ," Sirius said sarcastically.

"It worked," James said lightly.

"Is that German?" Peter asked.

" _Combien de temps cela dure-t-il?_ " Sirius asked, this time speaking in French

"Is it supposed to be multiple languages?" James said.

"No, it's only supposed to be one language," Lily said, sighing.

"Er…. About eight hours," Remus said, answering Sirius. "That's what you were asking, right?"

Judging by the way Sirius flopped onto the Common Room sofa, that was exactly what he had asked.

"You know French?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, my mum taught me some before Hogwarts," Remus said distractedly.

They spent the rest of the day setting up their elaborate plan, Sirius commentating the whole time.

Of course, no one understood most of it, so it was pointless.

April first dawned crisp, clear, and mischievous. The Marauders' sort of day.

At breakfast, Dumbledore made to formally welcome back the students who had left for the holidays. Welcoming back was very difficult when he was speaking Estonian.

He stood before the quiet hall with a kind twinkle in his eyes. Then Remus cast the spell.

Dumbledore first spoke in Estonian, then Arabic, and finally, Korean, before he gave up. With the ghost of a smile, he returned to sit at the head table.

That was only the first part.

Then the Slytherins entered the hall.

They were a disgruntled, angry bunch, as their hair had been dyed either in scarlet or gold.

The Great Hall, which had been silent, erupted into hurried whispers.

"That's bloody brilliant, they look stunning," a sixth year Gryffindor whispered.

"Yeah, glad they decided to show us some love," another agreed.

The Marauders smirked. This was only the beginning.

The second part was during Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Today," Umbridge said, "we will be reviewing our unit from before the-"

A creature materialized from above her, falling into her neatly-combed hair and displacing her bow. It was like a platypus, but black, soft, fast, and smaller.

The niffler sat up as Umbridge gave a shriek of surprise.

The class did one of two things: Sit in quiet shock or leap from their desks.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were openly grinning. Lily's eyes gleamed with satisfaction.

"Get off!" Umbridge shouted at the niffler, which was scurrying around her head. "Get off!"

Remus snorted. "It's a niffler, it won't hurt you, Professor," he called.

"It was you! It was the Marauders!" she yelled as another niffler fell onto her.

"What are you talking about? We aren't the Marauders!" James said.

"Yes, you are! You are the Marauders!" Umbridge screeched.

Another niffler appeared, knocking the others off Umbridge's head.

The first niffler scuttled to Umbridge's desk and began rummaging through its drawers, stuffing anything shiny into the pouch on its stomach.

The second niffler made for the door, which was now open due to the students who had fled.

The niffler was loose in the school.

"At least it's a niffler, I heard that a few years ago Kettleburn lost a chimera,"

Sirius said offhandedly at lunch.

" _A chimera?_ " Peter gasped. "Really? Did they catch it?"

"'Course. Right after it at a kid."

"It didn't eat anyone, Sirius," Remus said.

"Sure about that, Moony?"

"I'm sure. It got a bite of the Giant Squid."

"Really?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Yes. I'm sure."

"We need to initiate Operation Moving Staircase," James said, interrupting the disagreement. "Lunch ends in twenty minutes."

Operation Moving Staircase was the one they were most excited about. This was one of the plots they hadn't mentioned to Lily. They were determined that every Hogwarts Student and teacher would fall for it.

They were on the seventh floor when the chaos began.

A scarlet-haired Slytherin fell from the ceiling, shouting in surprise. He landed only a few feet from the Marauders, rolling down the stone stairs with a loud thumping noise.

"Ouch," Remus sympathized. "We should have used a cushioning charm."

"Nah," Sirius said.

"Maybe," James said, shrugging, "but it's a bit late. Come on, we have to get to Potions."

The Marauders were the only ones who knew which stairs to skip and which ones to use.

Around them, students randomly shot down through the floor, where they would instanously appear on another staircase. If they weren't falling through the stairs, they were being deposited from staircase they had been on before they took the trick step. This meant that people appeared and disappeared regularly, falling from the ceiling or sinking through the stairs.

The Marauders smirked as they made their way to the Potions room, so far unscathed.

"That was bloody brilliant," Sirius said, grinning.

James made to reply when he was flattened by a Hufflepuff that had fallen from the rafters.

"Sorry," the girl apologized, panting as she stood and helped him up. "All these trick stairs, it's mad."

"Not a problem," James mumbled, rubbing his elbow as she hurried off.

Sirius laughed. "Bloody brilliant," he repeated.

They made it to Potions without any more injuries.

Slughorn was late because of "problems with the staircases."

The boys grinned at this.

When Snape walked into Potions twenty minutes late with a murderous expression, it made their victory even sweeter.

In History of Magic, Binns was oblivious to the confusion. That gave James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter the perfect time to talk.

"So, at dinner, no food fight," Sirius checked.

"Yeah, no food fight. But we are going to do the fireworks, right at the end," James said.

"We have those positioned?" Remus said.

"Yeah, we did that last night while you and Lily found the nifflers," Peter assured him.

The students of Hogwarts were, for the most part, nervous. Who had been behind all of this? Dumbledore's speech problem at breakfast? The nifflers? The stairs? The students reasoned that the Marauders were behind it.

The last time the Marauders had done something big was the food fight. That had been messy.

So, naturally, they were on edge.

Dinner began smoothly. Nothing exploded, nor was food thrown. Gradually, the tension in the room eased.

Then Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus lit the fireworks.

The fireworks threw themselves into the air with bright flourishes, rocketing around the Great Hall like a seeker after the golden snitch. Flashes of red, gold, blue, and white filled the room, giving off loud booms.

For the most part, the occupants of the Great Hall stayed and watched the display. Only a few people left to brave the stairs.

When the fireworks ceased, a final message appeared:

 _This day was brought to you courtesy of the Marauders._

The message faded into the starry ceiling.

Lily turned to look at them.

"You were behind the staircases?" she asked.

"It was a little gift for Snivellus," Sirius said casually, ready to leave the hall.

"Sev? He has a name, you know," she said. The warning in her voice was clear.

"And the rest of Hogwarts," Remus added. "It was for all of Hogwarts."

"Although seeing Snivellus come in to Potions late looking like he was attacked was worth it," Sirius said quietly.

Lily gave him an angry look and hurried off.

"Look out, that's one's trapped!" James called after her as she began to climb the stairs.

Lily managed the first flight of stairs without any problems.

"Today," Peter decided, "was a success."

"Undoubtedly it was the greatest prank Hogwarts has known to date," Sirius agreed.

"It _will_ be the greatest prank Hogwarts has ever known," James said confidently.

"No. I think we can beat it," Remus said, smirking.

"I dunno, that was pretty big," Peter said.

"Well, why not? Next year will be even better!" Sirius said.

"Of course it will," Remus said. "We _are_ the Marauders, right?"

"Right," James said.

They walked in an excited silence as they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower, where the other Gryffindors were buzzing.

"Did you see the red and gold hair? The Marauders are Gryffindor, I'm sure of it," Alice was saying to Marlene and Lily.

"That was a language spell on Dumbledore. It didn't work, but I'm betting it was a fifth year who did it," a sixth year guessed.

"They should have used a cushioning charm on the stairs, that hurt," a girl grumbled.

"Told you," Remus muttered.

"Yeah, but only after," Peter pointed out.

Remus didn't reply.

"Oi! Lupin, Pettigrew, Black, Potter!" Marlene shouted. "Who do you think these Marauders are?"

The boys turned.

Sirius smirked. "I dunno, but they're bloody brilliant," he said.

"Prewett Twins, maybe?" James offered.

"Er, a sixth year or something?" Remus lied.

"No idea," Peter said.

"They were pretty elaborate today, weren't they?" Marlene commented.

"Murderous is more like it," Lily said.

"Yeah, those stairs. Did any of you fall through?" James asked, coughing to hide his laugh.

"Yeah," Alice said, rubbing her head. "Hit myself pretty hard."

"Same," Marlene said.

"Yes," Lily said shortly.

"Did you?" Alice asked.

"Well, James got nailed by a falling Hufflepuff," Sirius said, "It was great."

"Was not!" James protested.

"Wish I saw that," Lily said.

"Hey!"

The girls, along with Sirius, Remus, and Peter laughed.

"It's not funny!" James argued.

"It was hilarious," Peter assured everyone.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Today was pretty intense, and I need some rest," Marlene said, excusing herself.

"We should probably be going, too," Remus said.

"Bye," Peter said.

"Watch out for any trick stairs," Sirius warned the girls, grinning.

"You put them in the Common Room?" James asked as they walked away.

"No, I'm just freaking them out," Sirius replied.

The boys turned to see the Alice tossing books onto the staircase.

"April Fools!" Sirius called over his shoulder as the boys disappeared into their dorm.


	46. Dumbledore's Announcement

The boys were leaving breakfast when they heard Umbridge and McGonagall arguing.

"-and Lupin. All the evidence points to them!" Umbridge said with a forced air of calm. "Minerva, you know it's them."

"Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew are in their second year! How would they have known how to summon nifflers from thin air?" McGonagall asked, nostrils flaring. "This is ridiculous, Dolores."

"It is ridiculous," Umbridge said, "that you don't have the wit to piece it together."

The Marauders looked at each other for a split second before Sirius took matters into his own hands.

He shouted at Umbridge, "If you think that you can insult Minnie like that, you can kiss my-"

"Mr. Black!" McGonagall cut him off, though the corners of her mouth almost twitched up.

Umbridge turned to him. "Are you serious?" she asked, deadly quiet.

"I am Sirius. Thanks for noticing," Sirius said, smirking. "Now are you going to kiss it or not?"

The corridor grew silent.

Umbridge stood still as stone.

The silence was broken when Marlene muttered with a grin, "Order of Merlin, first class."

"Detention, Mr. Black, Ms. Micinnion," Umbridge hissed angrily. "After dinner."

"Mr. Black, my office," McGonagall said, showing no emotion.

"Of course, Minnie," Sirius said.

With that, Sirius and McGonagall disappeared around the corner.

"Well, there's one thing we know for sure," Remus said. "He's getting biscuits."

"Another thing we know," James added, "He's not kidding about his relationship with Minnie. Sassing a teacher and making Minnie smile don't usually go together."

Remus and Peter went to class while James went to McGonagall's office to wait for Sirius.

In McGonagall's office, Sirius was munching on a biscuit.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said, "Please limit yourself to only two or three biscuits."

"Are you sure, Minnie? It looks like you need them used up," Sirius said cheerfully.

"I'm sure, Mr. Black. No more than three biscuits."

"Alright," Sirius said, though not as excited as before.

"Well, we need to talk about your behavior. Asking Umbridge to kiss your… back end… is not appropriate for school," McGonagall said sternly, then gave a half smile, something rare. "But that sass was a good touch. Hypothetically, of course. And, hypothetically, I am very proud."

Sirius stared at McGonagall in silence as he registered what he had just heard.

She was proud. _Minnie_ was proud of _him_. And she was _smiling_.

"Thanks, Minnie! Hypothetically," Sirius beamed.

"However, as you did talk like that to a teacher, you will need to go detention. I'm sorry, but I can't get you out of that," McGonagall finished flatly.

"That's okay, Minnie. Hypothetically, I have an idea."

"Good, Mr. Black. Now you need to get to class."

"See you in Transfiguration, Minnie!"

McGonagall opened the office door and let Sirius out.

"Was she smiling?" James asked in shock.

"Yeah, our relationship is better than ever," Sirius said happily. "I reckon I'll be able to propose at the end of the year!"

James stared at him. "Remus is right, you are delusional."

At lunch, James spit out his mandrake leaf, this time into Peter's soup.

Unfortunately, Remus saw it.

"You're still doing those leaves?" he asked. "Honestly, why are you eating mandrake leaves?"

"Er, no reason," James said, going red.

"No reason? Really?"

"Yeah. It's a dare," Sirius said quickly.

"From who?" Remus inquired.

"Peter," James and Sirius said at the same time.

"What did I do?" Peter asked.

"The dare," James said.

Peter still hadn't caught on. "What dare?"

" _The dare_ ," Sirius said, "the one with the mandrake leaves."

"Wha- oh, that dare. Yeah," Peter said slowly.

"What was the dare?" Remus asked.

"It was to keep a mandrake leaf in our mouth for the longest time. Me against James," said Sirius.

"Okay…."

"It's a very intense dare," added James.

"So since James spit his leaf out, shouldn't Sirius win?"

"Sirius, I challenge you to a rematch."

"Apparently not, as James thinks he can beat me. I'll just destroy him again," said Sirius.

"No, you can't win forever," James told him.

"We'll see about that," Sirius said smugly.

At dinner, the "dare" was still going. James had gotten a new mandrake leaf and Sirius was smirking.

"Did you really dare them?" Remus asked Peter.

"What? Yeah," Peter said.

Remus got a glimpse of something green in Peter's mouth. "Then why are you eating one, too?"

"Oh, I, uh, it's lettuce," Peter said lamely.

"Lettuce?"

"Yeah, lettuce is really healthy and stuff, so-"

Before Peter could finish, Dumbledore stood.

The hall quieted instantly.

"Yesterday, as I'm sure most of you realized, was April first, or April Fools Day," Dumbledore began. "A good number of pranks took place, including, but not limited to, the nifflers in Professor Umbridge's room, the problems with the staircases, and multiple fireworks and dungbombs that were set off."

"We didn't do dungbombs," Peter whispered.

"We're not the only ones at Hogwarts, I'm sure there were other pranks, we were just the most elaborate," Sirius whispered back.

"A number of these pranks were dubbed 'courtesy of the Marauders,'" Dumbledore continued.

A ripple went through the hall as people made assumptions and complained about their sore anatomy from Operation Moving Staircase.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter concealed their grins.

"Professor Umbridge has requested that I make an announcement and ask the group known as the Marauders to disband," Dumbledore said duly. "Or not use magical creatures in any future pranks."

Umbridge stood. "Hem, hem," she said, clearing her throat, "I wish that the Marauders disband completely. The staircases were undoubtedly their work, as were the tea cups that were left in my office. It took almost a week for me to be able to speak again. The Marauders are dangerous, and have no regard for the safety of their fellow students or themselves."

"What if they're not a student?" someone shouted. "What if Filch is behind it?"

"Filch is a squib, idiot," a Slytherin yelled back.

"I am sure," Dumbledore interrupted calmly, "that no teacher is behind this mischief. The Marauders, plural."

"What if it's multiple teachers?" a Ravenclaw asked.

"I do not know, but I ask, whoever the Marauders are, that they please comply with Professor Umbridge's wishes and-"

"Disband!" Umbridge said, giving a pointed look at the boys.

"Rethink their actions," Dumbledore finished. "Now, I know that you're all hungry, so please, eat, then return to your dormitories."

The food appeared on the platters before them, and dinner was served.

"We aren't disbanding, and we're still doing the ashwinders," Sirius decided.

"Agreed," James, Remus, and Peter said.

"I think that we need to make that clear," Sirius said.

"How? Standing up in front of the school and yelling, 'we're the Marauders and we won't stop pranking you,'" James said.

"Exactly," Sirius said, and began to stand.

"No!" Peter hissed, "We'll get caught!"

"I have an idea," Remus said. "After your detention with Umbridge, in the dorm."

"Alright," Sirius said. "Speaking of that, I should get to detention. See you guys later."

After the detention, Sirius rushed back to the dormitory.

"I nicked this from her office," he said, showing James, Remus, and Peter the blood quill.

"Give that to Dumbledore, that'll be proof to get her fired," James said.

"Or Minnie," Peter said.

"How many quills does she have?" Remus asked.

"I dunno, but at least ten," Sirius said. "I've used at ten different designs or styles when I've been in detention."

"Why? Do you have a plan?" Peter asked.

"Just some thoughts," Remus shrugged, "Anyway, we've decided that we aren't disbanding and still doing the ashwinders, so we can't agree to Umbridge's or Dumbledore's terms. We need to let them know that, right? So, I think we should write a note or something and owl it to Dumbledore."

"An anonymous note?" Peter checked.

"Yeah, signed by the Marauders, not our names."

"Okay," James said.

"I think we should just yell this out in the Great Hall," Sirius said.

"No," Peter said flatly.

"Fine," Sirius grumbled.

It didn't take very long to pen the note, which read:

 _Professor Dumbledore,_

 _We heard your request that we disband or discontinue using magical creatures in our pranks. Unfortunately, we cannot disband, nor are we going to stop using magical creatures._

 _For now, we promise that the creatures we use will not be classified above XXX. No creatures have been harmed during any prank that we have planned and carried out._

 _The reason we cannot disband is simple; We have a common goal. If you notice a pattern between our pranks, you'll figure out why._

 _\- The Marauders_

"James, grab the cloak, we need to send this," Remus said, folding the parchment.

"Why the cloak, can't we just walk there?" Peter asked.

"Curfew," Remus said.

"Good point," Sirius decided.

"I've got the cloak," James said, holding up a silvery fabric.

"Alright, Owlery. You use a school owl, that'll cover our tracks," Remus said.

"You aren't coming?" James asked.

"No, I'll… clean up the ink and quill and stuff," Remus said.

"Okay," Sirius said. "So, just James, Peter, and I will go."

Under the cloak, James, Sirius, and Peter snuck to the Owlery. Fortunately, they didn't see anyone. That made their trip faster.

"We'll be back really fast, haven't seen Mrs. Norris or anything," Peter noted.

It seemed that the trip would take no more than fifteen minutes.

Then James and Sirius needed to decide which owl to employ.

"Let's do the snowy owl up there," James suggested.

"No, that'll be easy to track. What about that barn one?" Sirius said.

"Oh, look at that one up there, he's cute…."

Peter sighed. Knowing James and Sirius, this would take awhile.

Meanwhile, Remus had cleaned up the ink and was trying to figure out why his friends were eating mandrake leaves.

"It's a dare Sirius and James would do, but Peter? I doubt it. And why would he say he was eating lettuce?"

It was a well known fact that Peter hated lettuce. He must have been desperate if he decided to say he was eating lettuce.

They were up to something, and the fact that Remus didn't know what was frustrating.

It was also slightly worrisome, for many reasons.

"There's got to be an explanation," he muttered. Remus knelt to look under Sirius' bed.

Dirty socks, some parchment, and hidden beneath the clutter, a leather-bound book.

Remus curiously picked up the book, reading the title.

 _The Complete Animagus Transformation._


	47. Ashwinders

Remus did the only logical thing to do: He opened the book.

Considering that James and Sirius would take plenty of time debating which owl they used, he had about twenty minutes.

It didn't take much reading to figure out what James, Sirius, and Peter were trying to do.

That explained the vow of silence, the mandrake leaves, why Sirius had suddenly been out of socks.

James, Sirius, and Peter wanted to become animagi.

They just hadn't-

The dormitory door swung open.  
Remus shoved the book under the bed and stood up.

"It's on it's way, Dumbledore will have read it by morning," Peter announced.

"Brilliant. It took some time, did you run into Filch or anyone?" Remus asked.

"No, all clear. James and Sirius just couldn't decide on a bloody owl," Peter grumbled.

"Well, there were a lot of good candidates," James pointed out.

"And it went faster than last time," Sirius added.

"Yeah, I thought it'd be another ten minutes or so," Remus said.

Sirius shrugged. "It's delivered, that's the important part."

Dumbledore mentioned nothing of the note the next day, though they knew he had gotten it.

Remus mentioned nothing of the book. Not yet.

When James banged his head on the table because the mandrake leaf tasted like lime, no comments were made. The only indication that it had happened was the swelling above James' eye and the others' deadpan expressions.

Besides classwork and mandrake leaves, James, Sirius, and Peter were planning Umbridge's ashwinder prank with the help of Remus and Lily.

"James, you still have the floo powder, right?" Sirius asked.

James nodded.

"Good, I don't think Hogsmeade would let a Hogwarts student buy any," Sirius said.

"Lily, you have a copy of Fantastic Beasts, right?" Remus checked. "We should make sure that we know how to handle them in case things go wrong."

"Yes, I've got a copy in my dorm, I'll grab it," Lily said. She left the Common Room, disappearing into the girls dormitory.

"We should break into there some time," Sirius said.

"No," Remus and Peter said in union.

"Sure," James said, shrugging.

"I think both James and Sirius have lost their sanity," Peter commented.

"Kind of you to think I had any to begin with," Sirius joked, winking at them.

"Back to Umbridge," Remus prompted.

"Right," James said. "So we're doing this tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Lily said. She was back, now holding a copy of Newt Scamander's Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.

"When tomorrow? We can't all miss class-"

"We'll go to D.A.D.A, but miss Potions and History of Magic because Umbridge has the fifth year Hufflepuff and Slytherin lessons then. She won't be in her office," Lily explained.

"Brilliant, we don't have to listen to Binns," Sirius said.

"Someone will. I need notes."

"Then you take notes and we'll do the prank," James said.

Remus shook his head. "Umbridge thinks it's us, if she finds out that we weren't in class when her office started on fire, she'll have more proof. If we switch off, it'll throw her off our trail. Also, Lily's right, we need notes."

"So you'll take notes for an hour?" Peter asked.

"Tomorrow's- I'm not supposed to be in class, I'm supposed to be doing homework," Remus said.

"Okay," James said.

"Why?" Lily asked.

"I'm missing a few days to see my mum, she's sick," Remus lied, looking down.

"I hope she get better," Lily said.

Remus nodded.

"Well, I'll take notes in Potions," Sirius offered, steering the conversion back to the plan. "I'm not going to History of Magic though, I'm skipping."

"I'll take notes then," Peter said. "I might not fall asleep. Not right away, at least."

The morning classes passed slowly. Charms was long, the end of Transfiguration was tantalizing, and in Defense Against the Dark Arts, it was a fight to keep smirks off their faces.

At lunch, they ran over the plot. When they would usually leave for Potions, James, Peter, and Lily detoured to Gryffindor Tower to pick up Remus, the floo powder, and the invisibility cloak, which they hadn't told Lily about. Sirius went to Potions.

After Gryffindor Tower, they went to the corridor where Umbridge's office was.

"She's gone," Peter told them when he saw her leave for her classes.

"Great, let's go," Lily said. She made to turn the corner and dash into the office.

"Wait, give her thirty seconds in case she has to come back to grab something," James said, grabbing her wrist.

"Hands off, Potter," Lily told him.

"Just trying to make sure we don't get caught," James said, letting go.

Lily grunted, but didn't acknowledge the comment further.

A minute later, James, Remus, and Lily were in. Peter stood outside as the first lookout.

"Where's her fireplace?" Lily asked.

"Behind the desk, I think," Remus said, closing the door behind them, hinges squealing.

" _Incendio_ ," Lily muttered, creating a small fire in the stony hearth.

"Now the floo powder," Remus said.

"Yeah, I'm on it," James said, pulling the pouch from his pocket. Slowly, he poured the floo powder in.

There was a soft roar as the flames blazed, flickering to a deep emerald green.

"Now what do we do?"

"We wait," Remus said.

"How long?" James asked.

"An hour or so. It depends."

"An hour? Couldn't we just leave it-"

There were footsteps outside in the corridor.

The group fell silent.

The lock clicked as the door was opened.

James whipped the cloak out from his pocket and threw it over them.

Lily blinked. "What the bloody-"

James threw his hand over her mouth.

Lily didn't have time to protest before Umbridge came in.

Without a word, Umbridge hurried to her desk and grabbed a stack of papers.

James, Remus, and Lily didn't dare breathe.

Umbridge was only inches away, surely she could see the flickering flames now….

Umbridge moved out of their range of vision, they couldn't see her anymore.

They were so close to being caught.

If she only walked around the desk, she would know they were there.

Every breath was too loud….

Their heartbeats were loud as stampeding elephants….

Then the door shut and the click of pink heels faded into the distance.

It was a full minute before they pulled the cloak off.

"That was a close one," Remus said.

"Yeah," James agreed, "Thank god she didn't see anything."

"What was that?" Lily demanded. "Why didn't she see us?"

James and Remus exchanged glances.

"It's an invisibility cloak," James said finally.

"Where'd you get it? Those are supposed to be really rare," Lily said.

"My dad," James said simply. "It was his. He passed it on to me."

Lily nodded. "Well, good thing you brought it, otherwise we'd be in detention."

"Yeah, it's saved us loads of times," Remus said.

"You've used it before?"

Remus smirked. "How else do you think we covered the Slytherin Common Room in flamingo feathers?"

They continued to converse until Sirius came in.

"Potions is over and Peter's going to History of Magic," he informed them, then blinked, looking at the group.

"Yeah?" James asked.

"Is _Lily Evans_ smiling in the company of _James Potter_?"

Lily's smile dropped instantly. "No, I wasn't," she said, shooting James a glare.

"Yes, you were!" James protested.

"I'll do lookout. Come get me when the ashwinders are ready," Lily said, marching out of the office.

"Nice one, James," Sirius said, grinning. "Maybe you and I can do a joint proposal. You ask Evans and I'll ask Minnie."

"That's not happening," Remus said blandly.

"Who says it's not?"

"I do, McGonagall isn't going to marry you, honestly-"

A crackle came from the fire.

The boys turned.

"I'll get Evans," James said. He jumped up and ran into the corridor.

James and Lily came into the room just in time to see the first serpent slither from the ashes of the fire.

The ashwinders had small, diamond-shaped scales that were an ashy grey. Their eyes blazed with a warm, threatening orange glow like hot coals. Pink tongues whipped from their mouth, tasting the air.

"Brilliant," Sirius breathed.

"Woah," Lily said.

The two ashwinders hissed in union.

"Let's go, come on," James said.

"Wait!" Sirius said. He grabbed a random quill and piece of parchment from the desk and scribbled the signature _courtesy of the Marauders_.

"The room is going to be on fire, that'll burn," Lily said.

"Not if we use a sticking charm on the wall outside," Sirius said, grinning.

Apparently the Marauders had struck again.

Umbridge's office was in flames.

That was the talk of dinner.

James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily shared knowing smirks. Remus was gone.

"Those Marauders are going to run Umbridge out of this school, that's for sure," Fabian Prewett announced.

The grins widened.

Umbridge would be gone in no time.


	48. Imposters and Explanations

James and Sirius wanted to lock Umbridge in a room with bludgers next.

Lily decided that was uncivilized.

"Quidditch is completely civilized!" Sirius protested. "It's the greatest sport in the world!"

"Yeah, but it was based off of a bunch of violent games," Lily pointed out, "and don't tell me that those games weren't violent."

"They weren't! They were culture!" James said.

"Whatever. We aren't locking her in a room with bludgers."

"You're no fun," Sirius muttered.

"I'm plenty of fun, you just haven't seen it," Lily said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Anyway," Lily said, changing the subject, "besides bludgers, what are we doing?"

The conversation was carried to lunch, where the school was buzzing.

"Oi, you missed it!" Marlene shouted.

"Missed what?" Lily asked.

"The Marauders! They struck again!"

The boys turned to each other.

"I didn't do anything," James said.

"Me either," Peter said.

"Remus is gone, it's not him, someone's trying to pretend to be us!" Sirius exclaimed.

"What'd they do?" Lily asked.

Marlene smirked. "They replaced Umbridge's clothes with-"

Umbridge burst into the Great Hall, furious.

Sirius blinked. "Holy-"

She wore a studded leather jacket, dark jeans, a Led Zeppelin tee-shirt, combat boots, and sunglasses where her bow had been.

"What the bloody he-!" James said.

"YOU DID THIS! THIS- THIS HIDEOUS CLOTHES SWAP!" Umbridge yelled, cutting him off.

"We didn't, we swear," Sirius said, then whispered to James, "but that's a brilliant idea."

"YOU ARE THE MARAUDERS! YOU SET MY OFFICE ON FIRE AND RUINED MY WARDROBE!"

"We didn't do that!"

"THERE WAS A NOTE IN MY DRESSER, ' _COURTESY OF THE MARAUDERS_ '!" She waved the paper in their faces.

"Professor, we haven't been in your office since detention! That was last week!" James protested.

"That's not the Marauders' handwriting, the 'e's and 'r's are written wrong, someone framed them. Also, Saturday is an off day from class, so why would I be anywhere near your office? I don't do homework on the weekends," Sirius pointed out.

"NO ONE WAS FRAMED! THE MARAUDERS DID THIS! THAT'S YOU! YOU, POTTER, LUPIN, AND PETTIGREW!" Umbridge shrieked.

"We have proof that it wasn't us," Peter said shakily. "If you find a peninsive or whatever it's called, we'll let you see our memories from last night."

Umbridge gave a withering glare. "The headmaster will hear about this, Marauders. You _will_ be exposed." With that, she stormed off.

"You're the Marauders?" Marlene asked when she left.

"Well, we didn't pull that prank did we?" Sirius said.

"I dunno, where were you last night?"

"In the library," Peter said.

"Sure, you don't go to the library unless Lupin drags you there," Marlene said suspiciously.

"Yes we do!" James protested.

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"When we we researching the ashwinders, you came to get Remus' notes from astronomy," Peter said, then trailed off.

"Ashwinders?" Marlene asked. "Wasn't that what set Umbridge's office on fire?"

"It was Care of Magical Creatures homework," James offered.

"You don't take Care of Magical Creatures," Marlene pointed out.

"Yeah?"

"It's not offered until third year."

"Thanks, Peter," Sirius groaned.

"So you are the Marauders," Marlene said.

"Yeah, now if you'd not tell anyone, that would be great," Sirius grumbled.

"Oh, don't worry," Marlene smirked. "So long as Umbridge is here, you're fine. But when she's gone…. You'll see."

"That sounds brilliant," James said. "Can't wait for my demise. Pass the rolls, I'm hungry."

"We're talking about your downfall and you want food?" Lily asked.

"Of course, food makes everything better," Peter said, grabbing some chicken.

Marlene looked at them. "So you guys did April Fools, the ashwinders, the tea cups-"

"Yeah," Sirius said casually.

"If you enchant the stairs like that again, I will personally throttle-"

"Is this part of our demise?"

"Yes, it is."

When Remus returned a few days later, the first thing he found out about was the imposter.

"Someone pretended to be us?" he asked.

"Yeah, and Umbridge came after us," Sirius explained.

"Well, if we've got imposters, it'll cover our tracks," Remus shrugged.

"Or make Umbridge hate us more," Peter added.

"That, too."

"She already hates us, it's fine," James said.

"She'll fail us already, I don't want to be expelled," Peter said

"Dumbledore decides who's expelled, and you know he won't expel anyone anytime soon," Sirius pointed out, "We got away with the ashwinders and Dumbledore didn't mention a thing. And anyway, we're doing worse."

James gave him a look.

"Er, I mean, we've done worse, and we'll do worse," Sirius said hurriedly.

"Does this have anything to do with those mandrake leaves?" Remus asked innocently. "Or the missing socks?"

"No. Definitely not," James said.

"Maybe that book under Sirius' bed?"

Judging by their shocked, choked expressions, that was exactly what it had to do with.

"Well, you see," Peter began. "It-"

"I'm not telling on you guys," Remus said quickly. "I- I get why you didn't tell me, honestly I do, but why? Why are you guys attempting that?"

James, Sirius, and Peter shared a look.

"When you showed us that place," Sirius said, "where you go every month…. Bloody hell, Remus, it was terrible."

"We found a way to help," James continued.

"One day, while you were out, Minnie gave a lesson on animagi," Peter said. "Sirius found a loophole."

"A werewolf is only a danger to humans. If we became animagi, we could go with you on full moons, keep you from hurting yourself," Sirius said hesitantly.

Remus was silent, then he looked down. "Thank you," he said, "Thank you so much- but what if it didn't work? What if something went wrong? What if someone finds out and you go to Azkaban? If no one does, what if I bite one of you, what then? You can't risk that for me, I'm not worth that much."

"Yes, you are. You go through hell and back once a month. We're going to go with you," Sirius insisted.

"It _will_ work, I promise. Nothing is going to happen to anyone. It'll be fine," James promised.

Remus' next words came out almost inaudibly. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," Sirius said. "We know you, Remus."

"I know, but not when I'm like _that_."

"Do you trust Sirius?" James asked quietly.

"Of course," Remus said.

"Do you trust Peter?"

"Yes."

"Do you trust me?"

"I trust all of you, you know that."

"Then trust that it'll work."

Remus looked up. "Okay."

"We'll be here for you," Peter reminded him.

"Thank you."


	49. The Armor and The Plan

In the next week, there were a total of four pranks ' _courtesy of the Marauders_.' In reality, the Marauders only pulled one of those.

"Okay, you know the spell?" Remus checked.

"Yeah, _animata armis_ ," Sirius said.

"Right, I've got the left side of the hall. Peter, you have the right. Sirius, you and Remus split the back," James said.

"On it, let's go," Sirius said.

"What if Filch comes?" Peter asked nervously.

"I've got the cloak, we'll be alright," James assured him.

In the corridor outside the Great Hall, they got to work.

"Is there a timer on this spell?" Sirius asked.

"No, but they won't move until we give them the signal," Remus said.

"What's the signal," Peter asked.

"I'll show you in the morning, if I do it now they'll wake up."

Fortunately, none of the teachers chose to patrol their corridor. The preparation went without any problems.

The next morning, the Marauders went to breakfast early.

"So how do we wake them up?" Peter asked.

"Like this," Remus said. He walked up to one of the iron suits of armor and gave three quick knocks to its left arm.

The statue gave a silent bow, straightening directly after.

"During Umbridge's classes," Remus instructed, "cause a distraction. Do not let her continue any of her lessons. Leave ten minutes before the end of class and return to your positions. Also, give her this note." He passed a piece of parchment with the signature ' _courtesy of the Marauders_.'

"That's it?" Sirius said. "That's all?"

"Yeah, come on, we've got a lot of statues to go."

They finished the corridor just in time. James knocked on the last statue right as the first trickle of students began to make their way to the Great Hall.

"We just have to wait until D.A.D.A," Peter said.

"That's hours away," Sirius complained. "How am I supposed to wait that long?"

"Patiently," Remus offered.

"That's impossible," Sirius told him.

"With food," Peter suggested.

"That might work. James, you're carrying everything in your bag."

"Only if I can eat it," James said.

"Alright, fine. Just bring the food."

The food was gone before Charms was over.

"That was supposed to last!" Sirius whined.

"Yeah, but it doesn't last if you eat it all," Remus pointed out.

"You had some, too!"

"Good point."

In Transfiguration, Sirius asked McGonagall if she had any spare biscuits.

"No, Mr. Black, I do not," she said, "However, this is class. Even if I did, food is not allowed in my lessons."

"Please, Minnie?"

"No, now please have a seat, Mr. Black."

At long last, it was time for Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"This'll be brilliant," Peter whispered.

"Did you guys plan something?" Lily asked. She had come up from behind them as they moved to take their seats.

"You'll see," James said with a grin.

"For Umbridge or for the class?"

"Umbridge, of course."

"Hem, hem. Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans, to your seats," Umbridge said. She was again clad in pink, and definitely not in a good mood.

"Well, she's sorted out her clothes," Sirius noted. "I might break into her office, steal that jacket. That would drive her mad, there's no way she'll want to be reminded of that."

"Mr. Black," Umbridge warned. "Raise your hand to speak."

Sirius raised his hand. "Sorry, Professor."

"Detention."

Sirius shrugged silently.

Umbridge gave him a pointed look, then began the lesson. "Today, we will be discussing-"

The classroom door opened with a bang. Six large, shiny suits of armor burst in, drawing swords.

A few people shouted in alarm. This was not something you saw every day, even at Hogwarts.

The knights broke into pairs of two and began to fight and joust between and on the desks.

Umbridge attempted vanishing them, but this was in vain, they only fought more vigorously. She then attempted to hex them. " _Immobulus_!" The spell rebounded, sending her diving under her desk.

"It worked," Peter whispered excitedly.

"Of course it did," Sirius smirked.

"First tap dancing, then acrobatics, now this!" Umbridge said angrily above the din. "Every single hour!"

"We're doing this again," James decided.

"Maybe we shouldn't be talking about success when she could hear us," Remus said, glancing at Umbridge.

"She won't hear us," Sirius said.

The clanging of metal had grown in volume. It now sounded as though twelve suits of armor fought rather than six.

"Everyone out!" Umbridge called over the noise. She was no longer behind the cover of her desk. "Into the corridor!"

Few people tried to leave their desks; The knights were locked in such intense combat it would be dangerous to cross them.

"This was your idea?" Lily hissed.

"Yes, and it's working," Sirius said happily.

"In case you haven't noticed, we can't leave without being impaled!"

"Not yet," Remus said with a knowing smirk.

"Did you consider the fact that these are actual swords?" Lily demanded. "Someone could get killed!"

"Yes, but only an idiot would try and get up now," Sirius pointed out.

"Only an idiot would try something like this!"

"Thanks, Evans. I'm glad we excel at idiocy."

"Sod off, Black."

"Sure thing."

Ten minutes to the end of class, the room grew quiet.

The knights sheathed their swords and marched single file out of the classroom.

"See, Evans?" Sirius smirked. "Told you it worked."

Lily shot a glare at him and didn't reply.

Umbridge attempted to teach the lesson, but no one was listening.

The Marauders hadn't disbanded. Umbridge's clothes swap and the ashwinders weren't a finale of sorts, they were protests of her requests.

Of course, the clothes swap hadn't been the work of the Marauders, but no one knew that.

At lunch, people speculated who the Marauders were. No one suspected the four second year boys that sat at the center of it.

"It's fun, having a secret identity," said James.

"Yeah, especially because we can get away with stuff," said Sirius. "Like D.A.D.A."

"That went really well. Umbridge wasn't happy," said Remus.

"She didn't stick us in detention, either," said Peter.

"I have it tonight, apparently you can't talk in that class," Sirius pointed out.

"You aren't supposed to talk in any classes," Remus reminded him.

"I was apologizing!"

"Yeah, but Umbridge just wants an excuse to use that quill, she doesn't care that you're apologizing."

"Her and that bloody quill. I should turn in the one I nicked from her."

"To who? Minnie can't give it to Dumbledore, not if you stole it, and Dumbledore will have to return it. You're better off keeping it," James said.

"If she doesn't quit, I'm going to shove one of these quills down her thro- wait. What if we stole all her normal quills? She'd have to use them! And then the teachers, we could have them refuse to lend her theirs and she'd be writing with a blood quill!" Sirius said, the plan beginning to formulate.

"Give her a taste of her own medicine?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Isn't that a little…." Remus hesitated. "That'd lower us down to her level."

"And unmask her," Sirius said. "Come on, Remus, what's more important, our innocence or ending her reign of tyranny?"

"I think that both of those things are important-"

"You're a Marauder, and Marauders aren't innocent."

"Yes, but we haven't _tortured_ anyone yet."

"Well, how else are we going to get her out of here?"

"Not like that, of course. That's what she would do."

"She doesn't have the brains for this."

"But if she did. If she had the brains and was the one being oppressed and tortured, that's what she would do," Remus argued. "I don't want to be like her. I don't think any of us want to, so we should find another way."

"Like what?" Sirius asked.

"Like we've been doing. Driving her mad."

"I know what we could do!" James exclaimed.

"What?"

"In D.A.D.A, Sirius, you mentioned stealing that jacket. What if we got the school to wear clothes like that, that would remind her of that?"

"That would be great," Sirius said, "except for the fact that we don't have access to any muggle stores."

"If we talk to Minnie, I bet she could help us transfigure our robes to muggle clothes."

"Isn't that against the rules?" Peter asked. "I mean, you have to wear your school robes."

"They would be our school robes, only modified. There's nothing against that in the rules," Remus said.

"Brilliant," Sirius said. "But I still think we should use her quills against her."

"We'll worry about whether or not we do it later. I think that we should start with this, talk to Evans about it, she'll be able to help," James said.

"What if we talked to McGonagall about a 'Muggle Awareness Day'?" Remus suggested. "Then we could wear actual muggle clothes without any risk of trouble."

"That would be a good cover," James agreed.

"I'll talk to McGonagall about it," Remus said.

"I'll go with, Minnie'll do anything for me," Sirius said. "Also, she has biscuits."

"Can't you just get them from the kitchens?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, but we can convince Minnie and get biscuits at the same time. It's a double win."

"You're addicted to those," James said, shaking his head. "If you don't marry Minnie, you'll marry them."

"My heart still belongs to Minnie," Sirius assured him. "Though the biscuits are a close second."

"What about me?"

"You're third."

"Remus and Peter?"

"They're third, too."

"I thought we were friends!"

"We are, but I prefer the biscuits."

"I'm offended, mate. Very offended."

"Brilliant. You be offended, then."


	50. A Split Discussion

"A 'Muggle Awareness Day'?" McGonagall asked. "I don't believe anyone's tried that before."

"Well, that makes it hypothetical," Sirius said with a wink, grabbing a third biscuit.

"We were going to try and get Lily to help us out, she knows more about the muggle world than the rest of us," Remus said.

"I'll talk to the headmaster. If he finds it a good idea, which he probably will, we will continue discussing how it might play out. Hypothetically."

"Thanks, Professor," Remus said.

"Of course, Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin. Now, I'm sure you have homework, so you'd best get that done. I don't want any late assignments from either of you," McGonagall told them.

"Anything for you, Minnie," Sirius said.

With that, they left McGonagall's office.

"What did she say?" James asked when they got back to the Common Room.

"She'll talk to Dumbledore about it. If he approves, we can do it," Remus said.

"Oi, Evans!" Sirius shouted across the room. "Over here!"

Lily, who was sitting in the far corner with Alice, rolled her eyes.

"It's important!" Sirius added.

Lily warned, "If it's about Potter-"

"It's not, get over here!"

Reluctantly, Lily came over. "Yes, Black?"

"We have an idea," James said. "'Muggle Awareness Day.'"

"What?"

"So, you know how someone- that imposter- changed Umbridge's clothes?"

Lily nodded.

"She was pretty angry. Sirius made a comment about her jacket, which gave James the idea to do a so-called 'Muggle Awareness Day,' which would actually be an excuse to drive Umbridge up the wall," Remus explained. "If the student body wore jackets like that, it would remind her of the extreme wardrobe switch."

"That makes sense," Lily nodded, "but how would we get people to wear the jackets?"

"The same way we got the books to work- we'll have to selectively talk to people we trust. They'll spread the word to the people they trust," Sirius said.

"What if word got to the wrong people? Wouldn't that blow the whole idea?"

"Well, it's not against the rules if it's 'Muggle Awareness Day,'" Remus shrugged. "Or if we transfigure our robes, but that would be tricky."

"Did you talk to Dumbledore about it?"

"We talked to Minnie. She said she'd talk with Dumbledore," Sirius said.

"If Dumbledore approves it, I'll help you. If not, I'm not going to organize a leather jacket protest that'll get me expelled," Lily said.

"Alright, we'll tell you what Dumbledore says."

The next day, the boys and Lily were held after Transfiguration.

"The headmaster thought that the Muggle Awareness Day would be a good idea," McGonagall told them. "You'll be planning it, but he wants your outline by Thursday."

"Thursday? That's tomorrow!" Lily said.

"Yes, Ms. Evans. Professor Dumbledore wants to do it on Monday. That is why I am giving you permission to use your class of Defense Against the Dark Arts to plan it. Madame Prince has a table for you in the Library."

"Er, Professor?" James said. "Madame Prince doesn't let us talk in the Library."

"Then this is an exception," McGonagall said. "Now please, get started. You wouldn't want to keep the headmaster waiting."

"'Course, Minnie," Sirius said. "Come on, let's go."

The group headed to the library, where they found Madame Prince waiting.

"I have a table for you in the back," she said sternly, "It has some books about muggles. I understand that you're planning something, but keep your voice down. This is a library, and I will not tolerate inappropriate behavior."

They nodded and seated themselves at the back table.

"So, what sort of stuff do muggles do?" Peter asked.

"Well," Lily said, "there are a number of sports- like football and basketball. There's also baseball, American football, competitive swimming, and loads of other things. People go to the movies-"

"What are the movies?" Sirius asked.

"You don't know what the movies are?" Lily asked, shocked.

"No…." Sirius said uneasily. "Should I?"

"Do you guys know the movies?" Lily turned to James, Remus, and Peter.

Remus and Peter nodded, James shook his head.

"You don't? That's something we'll do, after class we can watch a movie, I'm sure McGonagall can get one. The movies are when you go to a theater or a cinema and there's this big screen…. Sorry, it's hard to explain, but it's brilliant," Lily said. "I'll show you later."

"Alright. What else?" Peter said. "They have really good sweets, even though it doesn't have any special effects."

"Yeah, there are some great kinds of sweets, we can bring some of that in. People read magazines, sometimes. They've got all sorts of those, I can owl for my mum to send some…."

By the end of lunch, they had a plan, which they delivered to McGonagall before afternoon classes began.

"We missed lunch, I'm starved. I'm off to the kitchens," Sirius declared.

"The kitchens?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, we can't go to class on an empty stomach," Peter said. "Want to come?"

"We, don't we have to get to class?"

"Class can wait, food comes first," Sirius said.

"Do you guys even know where the kitchens are? I thought they were hidden."

"'Course they are, but we know where. Now do you want to come or not? I would suggest that you do, the house elves aren't bad, and I have an idea that we should discuss."

"Sure, I guess. Only if it isn't a stupid idea," Lily said after a second.

"Brilliant. Come on."

With that, they began the walk to the kitchens.

"So what's this idea of yours?" Lily asked as they began heading down the stairs.

"Umbridge's quills. What if we stole all her regular ones so that she couldn't use them? Then she'd have to use the blood quills, and she'd be exposed," Sirius explained.

"What about the other teachers? She could borrow from them," Lily said.

"Well, then we'll steal their quills, too."

"You can't just steal from people, honestly, Sirius," Remus said.

"Who says I can't? It's fine," Sirius said dismissively. "And anyway, the teachers owe us, they've been making us do their work for them."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not that hard to read a chapter, we shouldn't have to summarize it for them. That is slavery."

"That's homework and an assessment of your comprehension and writing skills," corrected Lily.

"Homework doesn't count," said Remus.

"Still, they owe us," said Sirius.

"I don't think it's a good idea to commit a grand theft of quills, much less to resort to torture."

"We had blackmail on our list, how is this any different?" asked James.

"That's psychological, not physical. I don't want to cross those boundaries."

"Well…." Lily considered it for a minute. "If it'll get her out. I don't want to be part of the stealing, though."

"See, Remus? Evans approves, and she doesn't approve of anything," Sirius said triumphantly.

"I approve of a number of things," Lily said, "Just not your pranks. Unfortunately, desperate times call for desperate measures."

"It might work," Peter said.

"Here we are," Remus said, ending the conversation. They had arrived at the entrance to the kitchens.

A painting of a bowl of fruit was mounted upon the grey stone wall. To its right was a stack of large barrels that smelled faintly of dill and other herbs.

"This is a painting. Not the kitchens," Lily said flatly.

James grinned. "You've got loads to learn, Evans."

"Do I?" she challenged.

"'Course, Evans." He tickled the pear. "We Marauders are full of tricks."

The painting swung open and the group stepped into the kitchens.


	51. A Consequence of Wearing Leather Jackets

Thursday night, Dumbledore made the announcement.

"A few of our second years thought it would be enlightening for us to learn about some of the muggle customs. On Monday, we will be having a 'Muggle Awareness Day,' as they phrased it," Dumbledore said. "This means that you will be allowed and encouraged to wear what muggles wear rather than the school uniform. A movie will be taking place in here in the Great Hall at eight that night. Non-magical foods will be here for you if you choose to go to the movie. Directly after classes, there will be a game of football on the grounds. I have heard it is quite fun, and I recommend trying it."

The Marauders spent the weekend informing people of the rebellion and trying to find the jackets for themselves.

Finally, it was Monday.

"Am I supposed to zip it?" Peter asked.

"Only if you're cold, it looks fine unzipped," James replied.

The Marauders headed down to breakfast.

In the Great Hall, the rest of the school was wearing muggle clothes, minus a few exceptions.

Umbridge sat at the head table, wearing her normal pink attire. She did not appear to like the fashion statements of her students.

There were jeans, sweatshirts, dresses, skirts, and tee shirts. The most popular item, however, were leather jackets.

At least a fourth of the school wore them, regardless of house.

"It worked," James said with a grin.

"Good, she'll have someone with one in every class," Remus said, smirking.

"Bloody hell," Sirius said.

"What?" Peter asked.

Sirius pointed.

In the headmaster's chair sat Dumbledore, who was wearing a neon orange golf shirt, which was barely visible beneath his beard. Instead of his usual wizards hat, he wore a matching visor.

"Bloody hell is right," James said, shocked.

At the Gryffindor Table, Lily, Alice, and Marlene also sported jackets, though Lily's was tied around her waist.

"Did you see Dumbledore?" James asked them.

"No…." Lily looked up towards the head table and then blinked several times as she processed Dumbledore the golfer. "Yes. That's… colorful."

"If that's Dumbledore, what do you think McGonagall will be wearing?" Alice asked.

McGonagall showed up in Transfiguration in a white blouse, a long black skirt, and emerald green heels. Her spectacles were the same green, and Sirius took it upon himself to shower her in complements.

"Minnie, you look absolutely gorgeous today! The green is a beautiful touch, you should use it as an accent more often. The white also makes you look as though you're glowing, Minnie, it's absolutely marvelous," Sirius said.

"Thank you, Mr. Black," McGonagall said. "Now, if you'd allow us to begin the lesson-"

"Of course, Minnie, dear," Sirius said cheerfully.

"'Minnie, dear?'" Remus asked.

"Yes, do you think I should have called her 'darling'? Would she prefer that?"

"Probably not."

"Alright. I trust your judgment."

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, Umbridge had decided to get back at them.

"Today we will be doing a review on _half breeds_ ," Umbridge said, emphasizing the last term. She gave a smug look towards the Marauders.

"Oh no," James said, scarcely a whisper. "She wouldn't."

"She would," Sirius said, just as quiet. "If she does, I'm going to murder her."

"I'll be lookout," Peter offered grimly.

Beside them, Remus had paled considerably.

"It's going to be fine," Sirius muttered to Remus. "We promise."

"Half breeds," Umbridge began, "are creatures that are half human and half beast. They have near-human intelligence and are vicious monsters. Can anyone name a half breed for me? Ms. Evans."

"Vampire," Lily said.

"Yes, Mr. Hennings."

"Centaur."

"Very good. Ms. McKinnon."

"Merpeople."

"Yes. Ah, Mr. Lupin. Can you give us one?" Umbridge smiled sweetly.

Remus was chalk white by now.

"You don't have to answer," James whispered.

Remus answered. "Werewolves," he said, surprisingly steadily.

"The most savage of them all," Umbridge said, dangerously quiet.

Sirius cursed. "That son of a-"

"I wonder what you could tell us about them, Mr. Black."

"They're misunderstood, for starters," Sirius said, "I mean, what about the people who got stuck with that fate but didn't ask for it? They don't deserve all the-"

"Mr. Black, mind your language. That's quite enough," Umbridge said calmly.

"-they get for it. Yes, there are the people who suck, who _like_ being like that. The thing is, to hell with them, because they shouldn't define the rest of the people who share their characteristics but aren't pure evil. If there's anyone here who thinks that werewolves all bad, think again." Sirius looked around the classroom for a moment then continued. "If I said that anyone who wore pink was obsessed with torture and kittens, you would complain. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be associated with that idiotic professor either. If you don't want that for yourselves, don't do it to them, because werewolves are as human as you and me. And even if you think that aren't, they still deserve the benefit of the doubt like we give each other." Sirius finished with a fiery look towards Umbridge.

"I'd like to second that," James said.

"I'll third it," Peter said.

"Me too," Lily said after a short pause.

A few others nodded, but no one spoke.

"Mark my words, half breeds are monsters," Umbridge said, walking towards the Marauders' desks.

James met her gaze with a defiant glare.

Umbridge gave him a small, cruel smile, then turned to Remus and whispered threateningly, "But of course you know that better than anyone, don't you, Mr. Lupin?"

"That bloody toad! Don't listen to her, she's a biased, idiotic git," Sirius said angrily. "If she tries anything like that again, I'm going to murder her."

"Hey, it's alright, no one knows," James said gently. "She didn't tell anyone, you're alright for now."

"Yeah, for now. Until people figure out I'm a monster," Remus said shakily. The forced collectiveness from D.A.D.A was gone.

"She's trying to get us back for getting people to wear the jackets, Umbridge just wants to scare you," Peter said.

"Well, it's working. If anyone finds out about it, I'll have to leave."

"That's not going to happen. If someone figures it out, we'll deal with that then. For now, let's just have lunch, then go to the movie tonight, and get your mind off of it," James said. "Come on."

Lunch passed uneventfully, as did the rest of the day. The Marauders skipped the football in favor of planning their next move in the war against Umbridge. Dinner went smoothly, and then it was time for the movie.

At about quarter to eight, they met Lily, along with Marlene and Alice, by the Great Hall.

"So this is what the movies are?" James asked.

"Yeah. You go with friends, you watch it, you have popcorn," Lily said.

"So I did some research," Sirius said casually, "and I read that muggles go to the movies for a date. Just out of curiosity, Evans, are you taking me, James, Remus, or Peter?"

James blinked. "Are you serious?" he asked.

"Of course, mate. I always am," Sirius answered with a wink. "Got an answer, Evans?"

Lily went pink. "Sod off, Black. You've never seen a movie before, I'm doing you a favor." With that, the group went inside.

"So am I going with Alice?"

"No," Alice said firmly.

The four main tables were pushed up against the wall. Blankets, poufs, and beanbags littered the floor. The head table had been moved close to the large oaken doors and was covered in popcorn and different sweets. Where the head table had been before, a large white screen was hung. Pointed towards the screen was a small projector, which sat in the center of the room.

"I'll grab some spots," Lily told them. "You guys get food, but bring me some popcorn."

Peter grinned. "This is the best part."

Dumbledore stood at the snack table, still wearing his neon golf outfit. "Ms. McKinnon, you should really try these lemon drops, they are quite excellent," he said contently, plucking one from the bowl.

A good portion of Hogwarts arrived at the movie. The seats were quickly filled, and at eight o'clock sharp, the candles extinguished themselves.

Sirius jumped. "Was that supposed to happen?" he asked.

"Yeah," Lily said quietly. "Now, shh, it's starting."

The projector turned on and covered the screen with a blinding light. The music swelled.

With the Great Hall captivated, the movie began.

"That was incredible!" Sirius said when the movie was over. "Why don't wizards do these things?"

"It was pretty funny, too," James commented.

"Muggles have more fun than I thought," Peter said, impressed.

"Well, when you can't magic yourself a good time, you make one," Lily said.

"Even Dumbledore enjoyed that. I think today was a success," Peter said.

"Yeah. The movie was great, and this is a really comfortable jacket," Sirius agreed.

"Three cheers for muggles," James joked.

"Four cheers for muggles, I'm going to buy one of those so we can watch movies in our dorm, it's bloody brilliant," Sirius said happily.

When at last they reached the dormitories, split up, and gotten pajamas on, the boys collapsed on their beds.

"Today," Sirius said, "was eventful."

"Yeah," James agreed.

"Do you think anyone knows?" Remus asked anxiously. "Do you think that they've figured it out?"

"No," Peter said.

"I don't think that they have," James said.

"I just can't get it out of my head, what would happen if they found out. The thing I like about Hogwarts is that here, I'm Remus. I'm not a werewolf, not to everyone. People don't see me as that here. I don't want to lose that," Remus said, looking down.

"You won't," Sirius promised. "Not if we can help it."

"If Umbridge wants to fight you, she's fighting all of us," James assured him.

"I think we need to up our game," Sirius decided. "No holding back. Blackmail, locking her in a room with bludgers. All of it. She's going to get it."

"Which one first?" Peter asked.

"I dunno. We'll figure it out later. For now, I'm going to bed, we have that test in Charms tomorrow," Sirius said. "'Night, guys."

"'Night."


	52. A Room With Bludgers

The Marauders were going to hit Umbridge with everything they had. Bludgers, blackmail, the blood quills. Umbridge's threat to Remus has been the last straw.

Lily had spent the last week practicing the summoning charm.

The Marauders had been planning a distraction. Namely, locking a wandless choice person in a locked room with bludgers.

James had made an excuse about going down to the Quidditch Pitch to grab some bludgers, Sirius created the plan, and Peter and Remus found the perfect room and a way to lock it.

They chose the Potions Room. It was dark and windowless with a heavy door.

To get Umbridge there, first they had to lure her. James and Sirius collaboratorated to make a note from "Slughorn" asking her to help him in the Potions Room. They also had to make sure that Slughorn wasn't there. They left him a note saying he was "needed in the Greenhouses."

Sirius wrote the notes and James used the spell he had used when they got the mandrake leaves.

"You have the bludgers?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," James said, pointing at a shuddering wooden box on the floor. "You're ready to deliver the notes?" he checked.

"Yeah, you guys have the lock?" Sirius checked, turning to Remus and Peter.

Peter up a large brass lock. "It's ready."

"Good. Evans. You can do the summoning?"

"Yes, Black. I've been practicing all week," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "You saw me do it earlier."

"Can you do it fast enough?"

"Alice is good at it, too, she's going to help me out when you guys get back."

"Alice? This is a operation Minnie chose us _five_ for. Not six."

"Well, 'Minnie' never said we couldn't get help," Lily pointed out. "Deal with it, Black."

Sirius gave a huff of annoyance, but objected no further.

"Alright, let's go," Remus said.

Sirius passed them their signature note as they stood and left the Common Room.

James, Peter, and Remus went the Potions Room while Sirius snuck up to the Owlery to send the fake notes.

"So, I put the box of bludgers in the room. You two slide the lock onto the door and when Umbridge comes, I vanish the box but not the bludgers, you slam the door, and we run," James said. "You guys didn't change the plan while I was grabbing the bludgers, right?"

"Exactly," Remus said.

"You have the cloak, right?" Peter checked.

"Yeah, of course," James said.

They had just gotten to the dungeons when they saw Slughorn hurrying off.

"Excuse me, boys, I need to get to the Greenhouses," he said as they passed.

"That was fast," Remus said in surprise. "He usually takes longer in the Owlery, especially when we have to go incognito."

"I think that's the fastest he's ever done," James said.

With Slughorn gone, the bludgers were easy to set up, as was the lock.

The boys hid under the cloak as they heard the click of heels on the stone floor.

Umbridge came around the corner, pulling her cardigan more tightly around her as the chill of the lower lever sunk in. Without any hesitation, she headed to the Potions Room.

The moment she entered the dark classroom, James pulled off the cloak, vanished her wand and the box that the bludgers were in.

Before Umbridge had the chance to look up and see who had done it, the door was slammed. She was locked in a room with eight bludgers.

There was a shriek and a bang; Glass shattered and Umbridge screamed. The bludgers were doing their job.

"Someone will be here soon, come on, stick the note on," Peter urged.

James pulled the note out of his pocket and stuck it to the door with a sticking charm.

"She won't die, will she?" Remus asked.

James shrugged. "Probably not, Someone will find her eventually, probably-"

The sounds of hurried footsteps reached their ears. Someone was coming.

"Let's go," James said.

The boys rushed out of the corridor just as a group of teachers hurried into the hall.

"In the Potions Room," Sprout said. "It must be Horace."

"No, he said he was going to the Greenhouses," McGonagall said.

"I believe I know who's in there," Flitwick said. He pointed to the note.

"Well, that certainly explains a lot," McGonagall said.

"Dolores, is that you?" Sprout called.

The only response was another screech and a booming noise.

"That's her," McGonagall said dryly.

"We'll get you out," Sprout said.

"You sure you want to do that, Ponema?" McGonagall asked. "I have to admit, I see why these Marauders locked her in there."

"I do too, but she's a teacher, and we have to," Flitwick said. " _Alohomora_."

The lock opened with a soft click and the first bludger burst from the room.

"Let's go, I don't want to be hit," Remus muttered.

The boys pulled on the cloak and snuck back to Gryffindor Tower, where Lily and Alice were waiting with a large stack of white quills.

"We have all of them," Lily said before they could ask.

"Brilliant, thanks," James said. "Where's Sirius?"

"He hasn't come back," Alice said. "Was that not part of the plan?"

"No," James said shortly. "We should go-"

The portrait door opened and Sirius entered the Common Room carrying a plate of biscuits.

"Did you steal from Minnie?" Peter asked.

"No. Remember, she said that the house elves had the recipe for these, hypothetically. So I went and picked some up," Sirius said, setting the plate down on a table. He grabbed a biscuit and took a bite. "So how'd it go?"

"Good. We locked Umbridge in there without any problems. She didn't die, Minnie, Flitwick, and Sprout took care of that," Remus said. "You were really fast with that owl."

"Well, I had motivation," Sirius said, gesturing to the biscuits, "and James wasn't suggesting anything, which helped."

"Hey," James protested.

"Anyway," Lily interrupted, "We have the quills. What are we going to do with them?"

"We need to hide them for a while….Maybe a week?" Remus said. "Somewhere where the teachers won't find them."

"My trunk," Alice offered. "I haven't got much in there and I don't make much trouble, the teachers won't suspect me."

Sirius began to object, but was cut off.

"Brilliant," James said.

"Thanks, Alice," Lily said.

"I'll just run them up there, then," Alice said. With a flick of her wand, the quills levitated and she disappeared into the girls' dormitory.

"Well, we just have to wait now, we'll see if it works tomorrow," Remus said.

At breakfast the next morning, Umbridge was at the staff table, looking quite uncomfortable. Most of her testaments to her fight with the bludgers were gone, but she still had a swollen face.

"I think it worked," Peter decided.

"Of course it did," Sirius said proudly. "Thanks to my skills in selecting owls."

"And thanks to the fact that I got the bludgers," James added.

"Not because of that," Sirius said.

"You guys know that Umbridge wouldn't have been trapped in the room if we hadn't enchanted the lock," Remus pointed out.

"Yes, well-"

"Glad you agree."

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, there was no sign that Umbridge had used the blood quill.

After class, however, the Marauders overheard her talking with McGonagall.

"All of my quills have gone missing. I don't suppose that you would have an extra one?" Umbridge asked.

"Unfortunately not, all of my quills are gone, too," McGonagall replied.

"Really, Minerva?"

"Really, Dolores. If you want you can check my room, but you'll find no quills there."

"They got the quills," James said with a grin. "It's only a matter of time."

By dinner, the whole school knew that none of the teachers had quills. Someone had stolen them.

"Too bad ours weren't stolen, then we couldn't do any homework. I don't know about you, but I could use a break before exams," the Marauders overheard a fourth year say.

"Oh no," Remus said suddenly.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"We have to start studying for exams, they're practically a month away!" Remus said. "I should have been on top of this, we should have started studying a few weeks ago-"

"It's fine, we'll get caught up," James assured him.


	53. Operation 2419

With April drawing to a close, teachers began preparing Hogwarts for end of the year exams. The Gryffindor Common Room was now usually quiet. If the silence was disturbed, a fifth or seventh year would shush you; Their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s were drawing near.

The Marauders now had to juggle studying and their fight to get Umbridge out of Hogwarts.

There had been no proof that Umbridge had used the blood quills, so when the week was up, they were forced to return the quills. Their plan had failed.

"We have one month to get her out of here," James said. "One month. We need to do something, something big."

"Like what?" Peter asked.

"Like, I dunno, something!"

The Marauders were exasperated, they didn't have any ideas left. They needed something big. Something from the whole school. But what?

"So what have we done this year?" Sirius asked. "Let's make a list."

Five minutes later, a list was made.

1\. Eggs

2\. Set trap

3\. Tea cups

4\. Live snake/Transfiguration

5\. Taught class

6\. Clothes dye

7\. Peeves

8\. Staircases

9\. Hair dye

10\. Language spell

11\. Ashwinders

12\. Muggle Awareness

13\. McGonagall

"I know!" Sirius exclaimed. "We didn't do that voice changing spell!"

"Brilliant," James said. "Will that be enough?"

"It has to be," Remus said. "I don't know what we'll do if it doesn't work."

Fortunately, Lily had practiced the spell.

"I can do it," she said, "but you need to cause a distraction. Otherwise she'll see me."

Sirius smirked. "That we can do. Remus? I'm thinking Operation 2419."

"No," Remus said immediately. "We aren't doing that."

"What's Operation 2419?" Lily asked.

"2419? That's how desperate we are?" James asked incredulously.

"What's Operation 2419?" Lily repeated.

"Last year we came up with a bunch of skits of sorts to cause trouble in class. Remember when we interrupted D.A.D.A? When Sirius couldn't help me with my homework because Peter stole his eggs because you told him to? That was Operation 815. Operation 2419 is…. Well, it's hard to explain," James said.

"Can it cause a distraction?"

James nodded.

"Brilliant. Do 2419, whatever that means."

"I'd like to propose 1913," Remus said.

"2419," Sirius said.

"Please," Remus pleaded. "Anything but 2419."

"Come on, Moony. It's one of our best!" Sirius said.

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Moony?"

Remus gave a sharp intake of breath.

Sirius dismissed it quickly. "Inside joke from first year. Not the point. Anyway, please? It'll be brilliant."

"Yes. Rumors are definitely brilliant," Remus said, giving him an urgent look.

"Glad you agree," Sirius said.

"I didn't!"

"We're doing it."

"Not if I don't give my consent! I have to start it, remember?"

"Come on, I would start it, but then Minnie and I would be ruined!"

"I hate you."

"So you'll do it?"

"Please no."

"We've all been waiting for this, Remus," Peter said.

"You have not!"

"Well, no, we haven't," James said. "But it'll be brilliant."

"Don't make me do this."

Sirius grinned. "You're doing this."

The next day in D.A.D.A, a distraction was caused.

"Sirius, I have something to confess," Remus said loudly as class began.

Sirius looked up from his book. "Yes, Remus?"

"Boys," Umbridge warned.

Remus awkwardly pressed on. "You see, er, well, we're friends, right?"

"Of course."

"So I can tell you anything, right?"

"Well, as of late, I've been having feelings for-"

"Mr. Lupin, that's a detention," Umbridge said with fake cheeriness. "You can discuss your relationship issues with Mr. Black another time."

"Hold on, Professor, what were you saying, mate? You've been having feelings for…." Sirius prompted.

Remus looked down. "You," he whispered, praying no one would hear.

He hated Sirius so much for suggesting this. Operation 1913 would have been much better.

"Me?" Sirius asked, faking shock.

If no one had heard it before, everyone had heard it now.

Remus went bright red. He changed a glance at Lily.

Under the desk, she had pulled out her wand and was murmuring an incantation.

There was no pretending Sirius had misheard.

Thus began the most embarrassing moments of his life.

The class was silent as the scene began to play out.

"Remus, I'm flattered, honestly, but the thing is, Minnie and I, well, I love _her,_ " Sirius said.

"I know that you and Minnie have a thing, but, I mean, she's-"

"Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin. Detention," Umbridge said. "Dra-" Umbridge coughed, then began to speak again. It didn't work.

"Lily did it," James whispered.

"Drama," Umbridge said in a high, falsetto voice, "will not be tolerated-" -she then switched to a exaggerated Southern American accent- "-in this class. Do y'all-" -and finally, a gruff, rumbling voice- "-understand?"

The class roared with laughter.

Lily looked toward Remus. "Thanks," she mouthed.

"I'm never doing that again," Remus said, turning to James, Sirius, and Peter.

"Why not?" Sirius asked. "You were brilliant."

"Just no," Remus said, shaking his head. "That is not happening again. Write me out of all the Operations."

"Oh no. With acting like that, you're staying in," Sirius said, grinning. "I think you had a few of them convinced!"

"How long does that spell last?" Remus asked Lily at lunch.

"Twenty four hours," she answered.

"Was it worth it?" James asked.

"If she quits," Remus said.

"If she doesn't?"

"She will," Peter said. "I don't think she could take another year of us."

"Well," Sirius said. "I think that she could. So long as we let her."

"Let her?"

Sirius shrugged. "If we kept doing things to her, but kept it to a minimum, it would drive her mad, but she could tolerate it. Maybe."

"No. She's leaving, I can't stand another year of her," James said. "I don't think you could either."

"Good point," Sirius said.

"Well," Lily said. "Since the charm lasts for a day, she'll still have some problems for the first part of class tomorrow."

"Brilliant," James said. "Can't wait."

"If she's going to resign, she'll do it tomorrow afternoon, when she doesn't sound so ridiculous. If she's leaving, she'll want to be dignified," Lily said.

"One more day of her as our teacher?" Peter asked.

"Best case scenario."

"We're almost there," Sirius said with a grin.

They had never been closer.


	54. The Proposal

The Marauders and Lily held their breath.

They were sure they had done it.

They were sure Umbridge would resign.

The week ended and the most exciting thing that happened was studying.

"She hasn't resigned yet?" James asked. "How long will she hold out?"

"Not much longer, if we can help it," Remus said grimly. "She only needs another shove. But we aren't doing it in class, I'm not getting involved in another one of those."

"Alright, but we need an idea first," Peter said.

"I have one," Lily said. She had come up from behind them.

"What?"

"In Charms, earlier this year, Flitwick had that lesson on manipulating weather in small quantities. I can figure out the charm, I just need your help to distract-"

"No," Remus said. "No more distractions."

"Sirius, you wanted to propose to Minnie, right?" James asked.

"Yeah, of course," Sirius said. "I was thinking a candlelit dinner-"

James interrupted to explained his idea. "What if we could get Minnie and Umbridge in the same room… we can do it at dinner! If Sirius proposes then, you can sneak up on Umbridge while she's distracted… Sirius can propose like he's wanted to-"

"And then Umbridge will quit and Minnie and I can be happy together," Sirius said happily.

"Good Luck with that," Lily said. "But that'll work."

"Brilliant. Tonight?" Remus said.

"This weekend. We'll end it then," Lily said.

It was Sunday night when the plan took action.

Sirius was dressed nicely, Lily knew the charm, and Peter had convinced James to lend Lily the invisibility cloak.

"If you get it confiscated," James warned her, "you'll be on the Marauders' hit-list for the rest of the time we're at Hogwarts."

"Relax, Potter, I won't get caught," Lily said.

"You'd better not."

Dinner began normally. The clatter of forks and knives filled the Great Hall. People chatted and ate.

Halfway through the meal, there was a distinct clink of a utensil being tapped against a glass.

The Hall continued to eat and talk.

The sound returned.

After twenty three tries, it became quiet.

Sirius stood, turning his gaze towards Minerva McGonagall. "Minnie, dear, I've been meaning to do this for a while now. Nothing makes me happier than you, nothing. So I ask, Minnie, will you marry me?" He went down on one knee and held up a golden ring Lily had lent him.

McGonagall blinked a few times before replying. "I'm flattered, Mr. Black, but I have to turn down your proposal-"

"Turn it down? Why, Minnie, we'll never be a proper family! What am I going to tell the kids?"

"The… kids?" McGonagall asked cautiously.

"James, Peter, and Remus are going to be so disappointed," Sirius said.

"You won't have to tell them anything, Mr. Black. They're right behind you," McGonagall said dryly.

"Minnie, please, if not for me, do it for them."

Students were beginning to giggle at how absurd the whole thing was.

"Can I have full custody of James? That might keep the two of you out of trouble," McGonagall said.

"What, no, Minnie, we're going to live under the same roof!"

"We've been living under the same roof since your first year."

"So you've accepted?"

"No, Mr. Black, I-"

Umbridge gave a shout from the far end of the staff table.

Sirius suppressed a grin.

A miniature storm cloud had been conjured above her head and was pouring rain. She was quite wet, and quite unhappy.

Back at the Gryffindor Table, James, Remus, and Peter were shaking with laughter. Umbridge looked like a cat after a bath: Wet, irritable, and uncomfortable. Very much the opposite of a toad, which she looked like on a regular basis.

"I thought toads like water," James said, struggling to breathe.

Remus corrected, "That's frogs, toads- hey!" A storm cloud had materialized above his head, and in seconds he was drenched.

"I didn't give you that for you to mess around, Evans!" James shouted.

The only reply he got was a cloud of his own.

"Please don't," Peter pleaded, but to no amend.

By the time Sirius looked back to his friends, Lily had gotten him, too. "EVANS!" he roared.

The Great Hall had delved into chaos. Some people left, noticing a seeming innocent Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew had been attacked. A number of people were gawping at Umbridge. A few others were still watching Sirius to see if he would continue to propose to McGonagall.

"I swear, I'm going to get her for that," James said, "She's on the hit-list now."

"Forget about that, how do we turn these off?" Peter asked, trying to use a empty plate as an umbrella.

"I dunno," James said.

Sirius went to join them where they were standing.

"Sorry it didn't work," Remus said.

"It was all Evans, she set me up. She told Minnie to say no, then to rub it in more chose to attack me. I know Minnie loves me, I know she does, if Evans hadn't interfered then we'd be a family," Sirius said dejectedly.

"I'm sure Minnie'll come around," James assured him.

It was nearly 10:00 when Lily returned to the Common Room to find the Marauders waiting.

She groaned. "I thought you'd be asleep by now," she said.

"Yeah, well, it's hard to sleep when you're being pelted with water droplets," James growled. "Give my cloak back and undo this."

"Fine," Lily said.

The boys all mumbled exasperated 'thank you's except for Sirius. He barely replied when she undid the spell.

"What's wrong with him?" Lily asked.

"Well, the love of his live just said no," Remus said.

"Love of his life."

"Yes, exactly."

"Minnie and I, we were going to be a family together. Us, plus James, Remus, and Peter," Sirius said with a dramatically forlorn expression.

"Come on, Black, she wasn't going to marry you," Lily said.

Sirius looked at her. "Evans, what Minnie and I have is unique, and she loves-"

A seventh year burst through the portrait. "Have you heard the news?" he asked.

"No," Peter said.

The seventh year grinned. "Umbridge quit."


	55. Five Flasks of Pumpkin Juice

The Marauders and Lily exchanged glances.

"She quit," Sirius said, then repeated himself. " _She quit._ "

They were silent for a moment as the news sank in.

"I told you she only needed one more shove," Remus said, a grin spreading across his face.

"We did it!" Lily said excitedly. "She's gone!"

"Victory to the Marauders!" James exclaimed.

"I knew it would work!" Peter said contently.

"No more blood quills, no more detentions, no more of her stupid books!" Sirius said happily.

"We won," James said. "We got her!"

"You know what this means, that she quit?" Sirius asked. "We don't have to go to D.A.D.A anymore! No exams for that!"

"We're still having exams, I didn't study for nothing," Remus said.

"Who cares about whether we have exams or not, Umbridge is _gone_ ," Lily said.

"Lily Evans, not caring about exams?" Sirius said. "I think we've started to rub off on her, James-"

"Have not," Lily said. "I still studied for the exams. It's just, right now, they aren't the most important thing."

"I think that a celebration is in order," Sirius said. "Peter, you and I'll sneak down to the kitchens, we can't have a party without food."

Peter grinned. "Let's go."

It was a fast trip. They returned only ten minutes later with a platter of biscuits, small cakes, brownies, and five flasks of pumpkin juice.

"A toast to the Marauders," Sirius said, passing out the flasks.

Lily gave him a pointed look.

"And to their accomplice," James added.

"Cheers," Peter said.

"Cheers," the group echoed.

"You know," Lily said, helping herself to a brownie, "now that Umbridge is gone, I'm able to tell everyone that _you're_ the ones behind April Fools. And that food fight. And practically all of the excitement this year."

"Please don't," Remus said.

"Can't wait," Sirius said.

"Well," James said, smirking. "You _did_ help us. I don't think you'd want anyone knowing that."

"You wouldn't tell on Evans, would you, mate? After all we've been through?" Sirius said. "There was the time when she made Peter steal my eggs so I couldn't help you with homework-"

"The ashwinders," Remus continued.

"Peeves."

"Language spell."

"Voice changing spell."

"The dye."

"The nifflers," Peter said with a grin.

"The quills."

"Muggle Awareness Day," Sirius added.

"And maybe a few other ones, but those are the top nine. You wouldn't turn her in after all that," Remus said.

"What about tonight? I helped with that," Lily said.

"You ruined my proposal to Minnie, so that doesn't count," Sirius said.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I did not. It wasn't like she was going to say yes."

"Yes, well, Minnie loves me. And even if I rushed into it, you still attacked me, along with James, Remus, and Peter."

"Yeah, well, you attacked me and the rest of Hogwarts with your April Fools Day prank."

"You could have given us umbrellas, we put cushioning charms on the stairs!"

"We didn't do that, you said no to that," Remus said.

"Of course we put cushioning charms on the stairs, Remus, why don't you remember that?"

"We didn't put cushioning charms on the stairs," Peter said.

"Traitors. You're supposed to be on my side!"

Hogwarts was thrilled.

Umbridge was gone.

No more torture.

No more detention.

No more obnoxiously pink cardigans.

Nothing could be better.

Except for exams being cancelled. To Sirius' dismay, the Defense Against the Dark Arts exams were still scheduled.

"We don't have a teacher for them, why should we still have to take them?" he complained.

"Because they're part of the curriculum," Remus replied.

The few days between Umbridge's downfall and exams were exuberant and almost carefree. The giddiness and excitement that came with her resignation were the only trophies of their victory, but neither the Marauders nor Lily cared; They had succeeded.

The rush of triumph lasted until the exams began, which were long and taxing.

The Charms Exam was full of random spells they had learned over the year, which they performed on a stack of books or on a partner before Flitwick.

The Transfiguration Exam was simple enough. They had to turn a snuff box into a mouse and a hermit crab into a horn.

For Potions, they had to brew an antidote to common poisons, which didn't give any of the second years much trouble.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was a written exam as Umbridge hadn't taught them any defensive spells. It was supervised by a very smug McGonagall, who seemed to have taken this position as of the utmost importance.

The only other written exam was History of Magic. It had more questions then the D.A.D.A one, but the questions were shorter.

When the exams were finally over, students poured out onto the grounds, basking in the warm sunlight or laying beneath the shaded trees.

"Hey, Remus," James said.

The Marauders were lounging on the shore near the lake, enjoying the soft breeze.

"Yeah?" Remus said.

"Did you ever think about fighting the Giant Squid?"

"Fighting the Giant…. No, why?"

"Well, earlier in the year, Sirius made a comment about you fighting the Giant Squid while you were out," James explained.

"Would you ever fight the Giant Squid? Then we would have proof that you could be doing it," Sirius said.

"No. I'm not fighting it," Remus said.

"Really? You're missing out, honestly. Just try it," Sirius said.

"I'd like to see you do it," Remus said.

Peter grinned. "Yeah, Sirius, go on and try it."

"I'm not an idiot!" Sirius protested.

"Controversial," James said, "but you're our kind of idiot."

"What do you mean controversial?" Sirius asked. "I'm definitely not an idiot."

"Well, I think it's safe to say that we're all idiots. I mean, who decides to dye Minerva McGonagall green? Or set ashwinders loose in Hogwarts? Or pretty much anything that we've done this year, or last year, for that matter," James said, shrugging.

"I happen to think that those ashwinders were a stroke of pure genius," Remus said.

"I happen to agree, but only someone mental would actually attempt that," James said.

"At least if we're mental," Remus said, gesturing at Sirius, Peter, and himself, "you're mental, too, because you were in on it."

"Whoever said I was mental with you guys?"

"You're a Marauder. It's part of the job description."

James grinned. "Brilliant. Do these idiots want to give the toad a final send-off?"

Sirius smirked. "Of course."


	56. Aboard the Hogwarts Express

Ravenclaw had won the House Cup with 483 points, followed closely by Gryffindor with 472 points, Slytherin with 459 points, and Hufflepuff with 440.

In honor of this, the Marauders used the secret passage behind the stature of the one eyed witch to buy plenty of blue fireworks, with a few red and yellow ones to be used as accents.

"Shouldn't we have green for Slytherin?" Peter asked.

"No. Slytherin doesn't count," Sirius said stubbornly.

The fireworks were lit directly after the end-of-year feast, spelling out a message:

 _Happy Retirement, Dolores! Courtesy of the Marauders._

Umbridge shot the boys a withering glare.

The boys replied with triumphant smirks.

The next morning, all of the Hogwarts students had packed up their trunks. The Hogwarts Express left at eleven, and as much as anyone wanted to, they had to leave for the Summer Holidays.

As always, the teachers bade the students goodbye from the station.

"I'll see you next year, Minnie!" Sirius said brightly. "Don't forget to write!"

McGonagall gave what almost appeared to be a smile. "Hypothetically, Mr. Black," she said.

"Hypothetically," Sirius agreed.

As the train pulled out of the station, the Marauders made sure to call out a smug, "See you, Professor!" to Umbridge.

The last look they got of her was one of complete fury and resolve.

They settled down into their compartment, watching the spires of Hogwarts disappear into the distance.

"Well, what are you doing for the holiday?" James asked.

"Mum said that we'll be visiting family in York," Peter said.

"I'll probably just stay home," Remus said.

"Staying as far away from my parents as possible, when they hear I got a teacher to quit they won't be happy," Sirius said, a slight edge to his voice.

"We'll be home all summer," James said. "Why don't you spend a week with us? I'm sure my mum wouldn't mind, and Remus, Peter, you could come, too."

Sirius brightened a bit. "Thanks, mate, that would be loads of fun. Much better than being locked up in my room."

It was about an hour before the call of, "Anything off the trolley, dears?" reached their ears.

"We'll take some of the Bertie Botts, a few chocolate frogs, and some pumpkin pasties," James told the witch.

"Here you are," the witch said, passing James the sweets.

James paid her and passed Peter a box of the Bertie Botts Every-Flavored Beans.

Peter tore open the package and spread the beans on his suitcase which he had placed between them like a table.

"Dare you to try that yellow one on the edge," Sirius said, beginning the game.

"Only if you try the cream colored one," Peter said, reaching for the bean. He gagged as he at it. "This one tastes like eggs."

Sirius tried the cream colored bean and shrugged. "This one tastes like vanilla."

"No fair, Remus, you dare him to try one, you're good at picking out weird tasting ones," Peter said.

"Alright. Sirius, you try that one there," Remus said, pointing to a green speckled one towards the center.

Sirius grabbed it and popped it in his mouth. He made a sour face. "Does that taste like… chives?"

"I dunno, someone give me one," James said.

"Try that brown one there," Remus said.

James tried it and announced, "It tastes like chicken. Remus, try the one in the middle."

Remus grabbed center bean. "Pear."

The game lasted for another half hour before any real conversation started again.

"Best prank this year?" Remus asked.

"The snakes," James said.

"The food fight, definitely," Peter said, grinning.

"Muggle Awareness Day," Sirius decided.

"The tea cups," Remus said.

"And April Fools," Peter added.

"And that," James agreed.

"Seeing James flattened by that Hufflepuff was brilliant," Sirius said.

"Was not!" James argued.

"Definitely was," Sirius said. "But aside from that, I think there were a few important things that happened outside of the pranks. _Minnie and I kissed!_ "

"You kissed her, and when you proposed, she turned you down," Peter pointed out.

"Well, that was because Evans told her to," Sirius said.

"Speaking of Evans," Peter said, turning to James. "Remember when she said you were brilliant?"

"She then took it back seconds later," Remus reminded them.

"It's still a step forward, we'll get there soon," James said confidently.

"Sure, mate," Sirius said.

The conversation shifted to the homework they had been assigned over the holidays.

Sirius complained that they shouldn't have homework, especially over the Summer Holidays. "The teachers will have weeks to read those chapters we're supposed to summarize, we shouldn't have to do it!" he said.

"Well, they'll be looking for a new D.A.D.A teacher," Remus pointed out. "That'll take time. And anyway, you're supposed to do it so that you retain information."

"Who cares? We'll go over it when we get back."

All too soon, the Hogwarts Express was screeching to a halt.

Peter peered out the window. Rather than the green rolling hills they had seen a mere hour ago, a station crowded by witches and wizards greeted them.

"Platform 9¾," Peter said. "We're there."

"Oh no," Sirius moaned. "Kreacher."

"Kreacher?" James asked.

"My mum's house elf. Why does he have to pick me up?"

"Well, considering what you've told us, better than her," James said.

"Yeah, but not by much."

Ten minutes later, the boys had lugged their luggage out from their compartment and onto the platform.

"There's my mum," James said, nodding to a dark haired, moderate woman. "I'll talk to her about you guys coming over."

"Don't forget to write," Remus reminded them.

"Once a week?" Peter asked.

"I think we can do better than that," Sirius said. "We _are_ the Marauders, after all. Maybe three times?"

The Marauders grinned.

"See you soon!" James called as he disappeared into the crowd.

"Bye!" Peter shouted.

"See you guys later," Sirius told them.

"Later," Remus agreed.

The Marauders went their separate ways, grinning. Their second year might have been over, but their mischief was not.

They just had to wait until September.


End file.
